Beyond in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I went and saw X-Men yesterday. I decided to walk to the theater. I walked eight miles round trip. I don't know why I did it. I'm just extremely inactive at the moment and I decided to switch that up a bit.

On the way home, I called a friend and we started discussing what we would be doing once we graduated. He remarked at how difficult it would be to figure out what to do once we had degrees. I think I mentioned the fact that my degree was supposed to give me some kind of edge that I didn't have before. When he punctuated the "supposedly" with a cackle, I realized that he didn't believe (like many) that our degrees would give us any advantage or afford us any opportunities.

I explained to him that regardless of whether or not that is true, I found myself great opportunities before this so-called education and I'd certainly be able to find them after I finish. There is something wonderful and exciting about being on the precipice of a new phase of my life, and that's something with which I'm familiar and eager to experience again.

I put my life on hold to go back to college and not necessarily just for the degree with which I am pursuing, but rather because this is one of those rare "rites of passage" in which I was willing to participate. I didn't do high school graduation, I did not go to prom, my first date and first kiss (while amazing) were not things which could be celebrated at the time in an open manner. This is something in which the rest of my social circle can participate in satisfaction at seeing me accomplish something that holds value to them... the value that it holds to me is negligible.

Life is not about the end-point but about the journey. Going through college reset some of my priorities and gave me perspective on my accomplishments. Many people are proud of the things that I accomplished prior to college, and I am to a certain point. Now they seem like stories of things that happened to someone else. I can't really remember getting excitement from performing stand-up because being excited was so long ago... ten years ago to be precise. I didn't have any motivators or goals to strive for except to find a way to end the boredom that was numbing me as the years went by. College was a route to escape that boredom. While there, I rediscovered my passion for French language and culture. It was something that I had in my youth but had to sacrifice in order to "grow up" and become the man that needed to defend himself against the world. Rekindling that passion has sent me spinning down a path that was unthinkable prior to this college experience but now I see it as a greater challenge than I have ever faced before.

There is something about facing a horizon and trying to see beyond it. Chasing the light around the world did nothing for me before because I didn't know where it would end, I didn't know what would make me satisfied, but I know that now. I want to feel safe, secure and comfortable... and I know that isn't to be found here. I've done some amazing things and met some wonderful people in my life, but none of that completes the puzzle.

I messaged Kendra and apologized. It was a lot simpler than I thought it would be. We both had things to apologize for, and I rarely apologize... it feels nice to have that connection back. I don't know where it will take us, but I find great comfort in knowing that there is a future there.

Wherever this takes me, I'm ready to continue down this path and step out into a world unknown to me once again. I am ready.