Restless in Phoenix Rises Again

I actually really enjoyed quarantine when I was in my own house. But here I’m trapped. I’m bored. I have nobody to talk to and just bullshit. It’s too cold to go outside. I cant sleep. This bed hurts my back but nobody seems to understand that I’m an adult and cant sleep on a kids mattress on the floor. And I’m full of anxiety.

It feels like I’m disrespected and unheard and I never got to grow up and be an adult human. I vaguely remember being an independent adult that was free to live her life but now, when I’m here, I am forced to be a scared child again. It’s like I never escaped. And I’m afraid to be myself or speak my mind. And I’m just that scared little kid again but this time I’m trapped in a tired adult body and have a child to be worried about protecting.

But my mother has taken everything that’s supposed to be mine and ripped it out of my hands and out of my control because she doesn’t think I’m doing it right. I’m sick of her thinking she can just take it all from me. She doesn’t enforce my rules for my son, in fact, her and my dad both encourage him to so things I dont want him doing and what can I do about it?

She treats me like a burdensome child. She keeps jokingly pointing out all the places that are hiring. Look mom, I already have a fucking job. I dont need to cross the picket lines to make shit pay at a crappy retail joint. I have a real job I just dont have transportation. She knows that but acts like I’m a rebellious kid who wont work.

She lost my notes for my telemetry class and then acted like I was crazy for thinking shed touched my stuff but she does it all the damn time. I’m sick of her shit. I shouldn’t have to put up with this toxicity. I shouldn’t have to live in fear and anger. But until I can find a way to get a vehicle I cant do anything about it. And how am I supposed to save for a vehicle if I cant work?

Once I’m back on my meds it should help to deal a little but this isn’t what meds are for. They aren’t made just to help me cope with constantly being stuck in a house with my old abuser. I need a way out but I’ve got nobody to ask for help. I’m too old to ask. And for the millionth time I’m wishing I had asked for help as a child so that I would never find myself back in this toxic home again. It’s too late now. And I keep hearing Jay saying, “You should have told me. I was your friend. I could have helped.” If I only I could expect the same empathy now. I cant even talk to him about the damn weather let alone ask for help or emotional support.

I don’t know what to do. But my brain can’t take much more of this.

Will it ever end?
Will I ever escape?
It’s starting to feel hopeless.

And I’m just trying to be positive but it’s hard to do while surrounded by negativity. And it would really help if I had the missing piece to the plan. If I had a plan to get a car then it would be something I could push through like I always have. But I dont have that. My life is not in my hands right now and I’m not okay with that.

I’m just not okay.