When Things Get Bad, They Get Worse in Phoenix Rises Again

Looks like I’ve passed my mental illness to my son. I always knew it would happen but I thought it wouldnt happen this soon. Hes only 8. Friday at school I got a call from the nurse saying that he is talking about killing himself. He was admitted to a children’s psych hospital.

And here I am sitting on my thumbs not knowing what to do. I dont know how serious it is. I dont know how to help. Youd think with my experience in this stuff I should know but I dont. I keep going through my time in and after being hospitalized thinking itll help.

I remember not getting better.
I remember deciding that I deserved to die for what I said to Jay and just never really getting past it until after my son was born.
I remember not wanting my parents around.
Not trusting anyone.
Wanting to go back to school to see my friends.
My parents were told to buy me special food and stuff, all my favorite things.
I remember not wanting any of that shit.
Seeing my girlfriend helped.
I remember Jay telling me I committed suicide wrong and giving me tips on how to do it better next time.
And Kristi telling me she would have missed me if I hadnt come back.
People saying I just wanted attention.
My fiance sending me a letter signed in blood.

None of this really helps. The big question is whether moving back to where we came from will help him or just do more harm. I guess visiting as planned will answer that question, or at least shed some light.

He was doing so well here. Everything was going better. Until we moved in with Asha and Kerrie. Hes afraid of Asha. He doesnt have his own space and neither do I. Neither of us feel comfortable here but wouldnt it be better for us to just move to our own place instead of back to another state?

If only that were doable. I’m not even getting child support right now. If I just made a bit more money maybe we could afford our own place again. But of course then we’d need a trusted roomate to watch him. Not many of those around here. Itd be easier to find in Colorado. Been talking to some friends about maybe getting a place with them.

But of course… then hes back to a school system that stresses him out. Sure the kids make fun of him here too, but at least he feels smart. We need to find an activity that regularly allows us to spend time together.

He needs more time with me. Especially right now while I’m all he has. This all started when I started working again and we moved in with other people. Too much change, too fast, but it couldnt be helped. Somehow I need to provide him with more stability. maybe we could do a comic journal of something like that.

Anyone have ideas for regular bonding activities with an 8 year old?

I’m just so unsure of how to handle any of this. I just keep trying to live my life normally because there isnt anything I can do right now. At least hes safe in the hospital. But what do I do after??

Send hugs.