Change in Phoenix Rises Again

Kerrie has been super affectionate lately. Spent the night last night and she was all over me. I’m just not ready for that. I like her but I think shes already getting atatched to the idea of me and I’m so not ready. I wanna take things slow and have that happy romantic period of hand holding and blushing and romantic gestures that happens before sex. But it seems like she wants to jump in the sac right away. I’m not comfortable with that.

I’ve gotta tell her how I feel about it and I gotta tell her I cant kiss her right now because I’m having an outbreak but I’m terrified. Things are changing so fast and I just want the world to slow down. I want to be moving into my own place. Nice as here is it also comes with an invoices expectation that we are gonna hit it off. What if we dont?

After being around her I feel drained. I just want a few moments alone to catch my breath sometimes, but when shes around shes always right there, touching me. I’m usually the touchy clingy one. It feels nice but it’s a huge adjustment and I’m so awkward about it.

I miss Wesley already. And I’m still here in the apartment with him. I try to spend time with him before I move out but he seems resistant. Idk, it’s hard to tell with him. Other people seem to be extremely easy to read, annoyingly so, but not Wesley. I never know what hes thinking and it drives me up a wall.

I want to go back for thanksgiving and my birthday. Not because I want to spend Thanksgiving with my family and not because I want to spend my birthday with friends but because Jay’s got a show that weekend and I’d be able to make it. Thatd be a pretty good birthday celebration I suppose. If he talks to me and stuff. If not maybe the whole trip will seem like a waste. Stakes are getting higher. If I dont make it then maybe I’ll be able to get back in shape by the time I do make it down for a show. Wouldnt everyone be surprised? Hell, I would be at this point. Care coordinator pointed out my BMI. Maybe a doc will have something to say other than stop eating so much sugar.

I need a happy place. A physical place surrounded by fresh air and plants and beauty.

Gotta take care of healthcare crap and job crap and moving crap. So much crap.

I’m unsettled and anxious and discontent. Hopefully it will pass after this move. I need to prioritize bringing peace to my living space so that I feel more at home there.

I should get some sleep but I’m still wired but if I get up and moving again I’ll not sleep tonight and not get anything done tomorrow.

The plan?
Get some sleep
Pack my stuff
Get a truck the next day to move everything in
Disconnect internet, forward everything
Halloween party
Doc appointment
Work schedule
Unpack
Get enrolled in college again
Take care of my health and teeth and brain
Pay off debts, save for my own place

And somewhere along the way figure out if I want to make it official with Kerrie.

And whether or not I’m making the trip for thanksgiving or waiting till Christmas.

And how involved I wanna be in the sisterhood.

And if I want to keep looking for a sperm donor.

Deep breathes.
I can do this.
I can adult.
One day at a time