18. .....followed by the worst luck in the world in My own struggles

Contradictory to what I’ve wrote in this title, the start of this chapter started out well. Looking back on it now, it went too well. Having been single for over 3 and half years up to this point I started to make naive decisions and statements when going out with Katie. In retrospect so did she. But we were caught up in our emotions with each other.

The night after we hung out together (from chapter 17), we were near enough constantly on the phone to each other even when I was driving to/from karting in Wigan. She kept an eye on my progress and I would be getting messages from her egging me on. I was going to be karting again a few days later up in Teesside and Katie had knew about this when we were texting each other before meeting up. She said she wanted to come along but I told her not to come out of her way to see me even though it would be nice to have support. It looked like it wasn’t going to happen anyway but a phonecall coming back from Wigan was from her saying she could come up to see me. To be honest, I was very surprised but I thought it was a really cool thing to have someone be interested in what I do and see me race.

I didn’t believe it until she actually arrived 9.30am Saturday 7th August. First reaction was wow! To have someone come up all the way from Staffordshire to see me was the coolest thing in my head. I didn’t think that it was too soon for someone to do that, I was really taken back by it all. Apart from being out on the track for my practice sessions and race stints, she was by my side up until Sunday morning when even that was late for her. She even kipped with me in the car and looked after me very well keeping me warm with her blanket she shared. For me it was a sign of love. I thought as we were very complimentary to each other, saying kind words and following up by kind actions that this was the sort of girl who I could see myself wanting to be with. So I said to her that we should make a go at being in relationship. She agreed and was happy with it. Effectively no longer single. Again, perhaps naive again but I would say this was me being far too hasty.

Back after the kart race, we would be in each others company a lot as you would expect when a new relationship starts. I would mostly be round hers as Katie has 2 dogs to look after. They were both adorable but very excitable. I didn’t mind though. It felt great to be in her company. We would mostly small things together. First time she came round mine and stayed over was Friday 13th when I decided to make her a pizza from scratch and have a movie night. At one point she got a tad emotional saying no one had ever done anything like this before for her. I was quite touched by that remarked. That made me happy that something I believe so simple to do could have a big impact on her. Most of the other times we would be together watching TV and films together and often I would stay at hers overnight a few times in the week. All was rosy up until the next weekend…

Katie had an exam for her workplace which she had been stressing about. It had concided with some of the stresses I had at work and some of the late nights I had been spending with her all in all making tired and laggy. By Friday 20th as I put on a BBQ on for her and my other friends. Everyone had knew for about a week that we were an item. The bbq itself went fine and it looked as though she was happy enough. She would again be staying round mine but leave early next morning to sort her dogs out. I’m not one for early mornings especially when I don’t have work on the weekends so I said I would catch her up later on especially as I wanted to finish off preparing her birthday presents which was baking goods made by myself. I get her a phonecall from her mid morning with her in a bit of panic “you’ll never guess who’s sent a birthday present through? Euan!” I though to myself that this was a windup from Euans side. Did he know we were together? Did he want her back? Whilst on the same phonecall to her, I do remember purely advising rather than telling you that she shouldn’t accept the present that he sent through. I personally wasn’t comfortable with the situation but I didn’t want to sound like I was telling her that she should be doing it.

I got packed up and left my house to go to hers as we both had a busy weekend on, notably the next day going to the rally festival together. I got another phonecall whilst I was driving asking how long I would be. Included in that phonecall was mentioned that how shitty I was with her with the initial phonecall stating she had the present. That took me by surprise and somehow the alarm bells starting going off. Being the bigger person and not wanting any aggrivation, I apologised as soon as I got round to Katie’s as I was annoyed at the situation of what Euan did, not annoyed at her. I was also thankful for her being honest with me however I felt awkward and on edge not only because of that situation but also I was worried about negative thoughts against me that day.

I left for a few hours in the evening as I had a pre arranged get together with my friends to go to Trentham Gardens for a concert. She was still stressed over the exam revision however looking back on that, I think the events earlier in the day from her perspective had put her on edge. She was constantly thinking about things. When we got to bed that night, another random topic came up about me and my job. She asked if I would move location depending on the job I took up implying she wouldn’t want me to move far away. I replied I don’t know and in all honesty, that statement still remains. I think it casted another doubt in her mind even if she didn’t admit it.

The following morning on the drive down to the rally, I misheard one of her stories asking how old someone was when she had already said to me before I asked. I did notice that she got moody with me soon after I asked this. I can only put that incident down to driving/concentrating and I was also very tired too at that point. Not just from the driving but also the few weeks at work at that time were intense for me. On the rally itself, I remember enthusiastically saying to Katie to come stand with me but only so she could see the same view point as me. She said she was fine where she was. I didn’t persue it any further as I didn’t want cause much distress over a minor thing. After that, she told me to relax and not worry much about her. She could feel I was a bit tense and she was right. The previous day and today wasn’t going as smoothly as I hoped.

Later on, we took a selfie together. Turned out that with events to come it would be the one and only I would have with her and it went on Facebook and Instagram with a lot of people liking it. The reasons behind it were more so to let other people I.e. Euan know that we were an item. I think the philosophy behind this from my side was wrong no matter how much I dislike the guy. A lot of people did like it although it did lead to anxiety the next day. It got a lot of attention from friends on Katie’s side too. One of them being her ex-boyfriend Nick....

We left the rally roughly about 2.30pm and got back about 4pm in Stoke. The late nights in the week, the workload and that particular weekend took it toll on me but I had already made my mind up to return back to me on the Sunday night. I don’t remember this being challenged much by Katie knowing how she like me staying over. There was a possibility of myself having to go in onsite that day so my own reason I felt was justified. However it was another seed casting doubt in her mind as I would later find out she wanted me with her first thing on the morning of her birthday.

Come her birthday itself Monday 23rd August, I would get the usual morning text from her. She said thank you for the presents but the message didn’t come across in a happy jolly way. It seemed like my baking gifts to her seemed a disappointment. Not knowing to me at the time she was down because I wasn’t there, I got more texts off her saying she felt fed up. At this point, my own anxiety which I hadn’t had since my last relationship with Lauren ended had flared up massively to the point where I threw my own teapot into the mixing bowl in the sink and the bowl breaking (strong teapot!). I got the hint first thing in the morning as the texts showed some disconnect of emotion towards me and got no clarity as to why she was upset. Being the honest person I am, I told Katie about my anxiety.

I would see her later that night but what I didn’t expect was that would be the last time that I would be. I asked if she had a good day which I got an instant reply of “no”, “fed up” and “wanting to run away”. If the alarm bells weren’t ringing before, they were now! I asked her what was the cause for this wanting to be an understanding partner. I didn’t quite expect the response eventually when I got it out of her to be me. I was in total shock. Honestly it really took me by surprise how much that hurt her. There were a few things she pointed in blaming me:

• My anxiety flaring up, thinking it was because of her. Combination of the build up of events throughout that last weekend together

• I was caring too much - apparently being smothering. I was really confused why this was an issue as there wasn’t any real examples given from you on this. I care a lot for all my friends and you were a part of that.

• I missed listening to key bits of info when she was speaking to me. I did own to this afterwards and put it down to tiredness generally.

• She took me being controlling, thinking that I was telling her what to do with the present from Euan and me asking to stand with her at the rally event. The latter was because I wanted her to enjoy it with me and not take it as an instruction or demand.

• I openly discussed with her about her comments to me being cliquey at Uttoxeter races. She had said this numerous times before that I began to think that she starting to mean it and that this why I misunderstood it for not being a joke.

• Being really upset on the morning of her birthday because I wasn’t there first thing.

From those above points, I was only at Katie’s for about 40 minutes. I knew when I leaving that I didn’t think this was going to go any further. I was shaking like a leave that night and needed to text my friends what was going on. I also texted Katie when I got back with the offer of if she didn’t want to continue with dating me then I would understand. The following morning, I didn’t want anymore pain from this. She did text back saying she couldn’t continue and I agreed. In reality, it felt like a loss to me even though I played out like it was mutual. I struggled for weeks and weeks to try and get over this. The shock of that conversation laying blame at my door and her mental health very nearly deteriorating is something that was hard to accept. It played a lot on my mind and only writing this out is a reminder of what I went through.

Despite all of this, I don’t think neither of us were at fault. I feel this was a misunderstanding of what each of us was feeling and thinking at the time. Without being too harsh on her, I dont think she had the level of maturity to handle those situations correctly. Because of her past relationships going sour, she perhaps thought as me thinking she was going to be mistreated but it was never my intention to do so. I do think myself as a very loyal loving person.

My feelings towards her, even though we broke up, were still strong. I loved every minute I spent with her and my door was open to having a sensible conversation with her with what happened. That was until she decided to quickly get back with her ex-boyfriend Nick 2 weeks after we had finished and following a month later into October, she got engaged to him. I found this out through Instagram. That for me showed total and utter disrespect. To me it showed her feelings towards me when we were dating were fake and she was never honest that she still had feelings for him. I did something very unlike myself and sent an angry message to her, actually calling her a disgrace. It vented a lot of anger out. I got blocked on WhatsApp and Instagram but it didn’t matter. The damage was already done and i didn’t want to know anymore off her. I’ve for now gone off Facebook and Instagram as I see this as poison and a reminder of finding out information I don’t want to come across.

I should say as well that my friends throughout this particular episode have been amazing support when I was with Katie and after we broke up.