adderall crash in growing pains

Attended a grad school career fair today (virtually). I learned more about what it takes to get into grad school, and have a better idea of what kind of program I want to apply to this fall.

That was my accomplishment of the day. I took half an adderall to get through that. Spent about 3 hours in total doing that. Then the adderall started losing its power, and I started crashing, and now here I am. Tired, low, empty.

Still don’t know what I ultimately want to be doing. But I guess none of us do. I have a mental picture of the kind of person I want to be. Maybe that’s more important. I want to be grounded, strong, powerful, purpose-driven. I’d describe my current self more as… un-grounded, weak, powerless, and directionless.

It’s becoming clear to me that I have to meet and accept myself where I’m at. Otherwise I’m repeating the way my dad raised me. When he didn’t like the way I was, he tried to shut it down, stamp it out, shame it into the underworld, and explain lecture-style the kind of personality that he did want to see. I wish that instead, he would have met me where I was, and grown me from there.

Maybe there’s a part of me that keeps self-sabotaging and setting myself up to be a loser, because it wants an opportunity to be seen, heard, loved. Well, okay. I’m gonna try to provide that for myself.