Marriage in Journal

Last week, I saw my therapist and we spoke about what I want, why. I was concerned that what I wanted would be an immoral proposition- at least for my son. But, after 2 long years of therapy and some very hard, deep, transformative work, she told me that she thought this was a true desire.
I am not so concerned over the outcome, anymore… like following the scientific method, whatever the outcome may be is necessarily true. And, I’m not interested in manipulating myself or reality anymore. My therapist sent me on my way with her blessing “I think you’re very brave, courageous, and you will get what you want. But I do not envy you.” she said to me.
I almost smiled inwardly. I remembered confronting my mother about how she had hurt me. I remembered how scared- terrified, really- I was that my mother would reject me if I decided to be honest about that basic truth; how my mother effected me. It took far more courage, far more bravery and foolhardiness perhaps, to that than what I was about to do. No, what I was about to do was easy, compared to that.
And, I did what I set out to do. DH and I went to marriage counseling and I laid out my idea of the problems as clearly as I could… I think the counselor was a bit surprised, but she seemed to take it in stride nonetheless. She was an older woman, kind, and very compassionate. She loved our son, and, when she jokingly said “does he need a new grandma?” I almost cried.
I suppose that I did put out of my mind the daunting tasks that would inevitably ensue, if DH chose to not pursue our family… gargantuan in scope, but exciting in possibility. Ofc I didn’t want to think about that- if for no other reason than to dispel the premature resentment of his decision putting that burden on me.
DH is not an open book. He is quiet, contemplative, a man of few words and more of deeds. He did not reveal anything new to the counselor, but I sensed that he was impressed (finally) with the importance of what I have been talking about, and the very real and inevitable consequences if he does nothing.

So, now we have a clear plan of action and a deadline. If DH really does not want us (his chosen family) and prefers them (family of origin), then, I will accept that choice. I will finally feel free to resent his breaking of his promises, his betrayal of us. But not more than I resent myself for choosing someone that does this.
I am tired of pouring my sympathy out to him… yes, tired. I know that it is right and necessary. But, I also need sympathy. I need attention, affection, intimacy, and love.
I am still suspicious and anxious that this move will create a deep abiding irritation in DH for being “forced” away from his FOO. I hope that he is still capable of ambiguity, though… I think that he is.