Cleaning in First entry

This weekend I cleaned and threw a ton of stuff away. It was a productive few days. It gave me time to think and process things. Her behavior has really just been getting under my skin. Acting as if she almost gets to order me around. Trying to flex her “joint legal custody”. The issue is she tries to bark orders and think I have to jump or somehow I am infringing on her parental rights. As I was cleaning, I thought about everything that has happened over the last year. It made me run the gambit of emotions. I suppose the thing I kept coming to is that I pray that the weight of her behavior and decisions weighs as heavy on her as it can. I pray it keeps her awake at night and she thinks about every lie she has told. I pray that her son meets a woman that treats him and acts exactly like she has with me. I pray that her behavior and decisions and ethics are perfectly mirrored in that woman. I pray she gets to watch it all happen in front of her. The truth is, if she has been acting appropriately and is comfortable with her actions, it shouldn’t be cause for concern. It’s just unfortunate that she and I both knows exactly what that would be like for him. Hell…Pure Hell. Constantly awaiting the next false accusation. Always being on guard ready to combat her with the truth. Having to document everything. It’s like living in prison. But yes, I absolutely hope that she gets to watch him meet a woman exactly like her.

I found the book we created when we adopted my daughter. It was interesting. I read the section where we described each other. She said “@)@# is an amazing person! He is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet! He treats everyone he meets with respect, he is fun to be around and he is genuine. He is so smart; he succeeds at pretty much everything he has ever tried to do. The best thing about @)@# is that he always puts his family first and always makes sure we know we are loved! @)@# is also a wonderful dad! It seems like he always knows the right thing to do when it comes to parenting. @)@# is the type of dad that doesn’t sit back and watch the kids play on the playground–he’s ON the playground with the kids!! He is so great with kids and he sets such a great example of what a dad should be.”

In the interest of full disclosure this is what I said about her. ” %*!$^!# is one of the most giving people I have met. I couldn’t imagine a better mother for our children. She is always ensuring that no matter what is going on in life that she makes time to spend with her family. From reading bed time stories to searching ingredients on the food we eat, the commitment to the well-being of her family is paramount.” It was absolutely and up until last year, I never would have expected her to make such a drastic change. I suppose the difference in my head is I didn’t make the change. I am still the same guy, with the same values as I have always been. I would venture to say she is still giving. She never could tell anyone no. I have no clue about searching the ingredients. I believe you can tell there is a definitive difference in our wording. Her description references my character and personality. My description focuses on her actions. It’s interesting. I’m just ready to have this be over. Fighting this on my own is so hard. If I didn’t have everything adding up and building so quickly, I would be fine. How is she still pushing? It has to be him helping carry her. I still have a lot of fight left in me. I won’t give up. They can’t break me. I may feel weary. I may long for the fight to end, but the children need me to advocate for them. They don’t have anyone else that will. I just need her to step back. She doesn’t leave any room for anything other than a fight. Go back and read my posts....Absolutely everytime she has played nice, she has wanted something and when she did get whatever she was playing nice for, she reverts back to her old game.

I want to send her an email telling her everything that is in this post. I want her to take me out of the situation and tie it to her son. Take both of our actions into account and have her ask herself if she truly believes that I am being unreasonable. Given her lies and given her behavior, how would she feel about a woman doing this to her son? She knows it isn’t right. It is my belief that she is desperate. She feels these lies are her only option. The problem is it just adds to the problem. It provides me fuel to use. I will prove that she is a liar and her credibility will be the cost.

She keeps telling the kids she will explain it to them when they get older. What exactly does she thing she is going to tell them? Does she really believe that my 9 year old that remembers life in our old family will honestly look at the timelines and believe anything beyond the fact that she chose to take off with an old boyfriend and abandon her family? She keeps telling me she is going to show them the correspondence....Ummm, ok…go for it. you honestly believe that scares me? That’s not going to work in her favor. The facts and ethical behavior are supported by the correspondence. Does she believe her own lie that deeply?

Another thing I thought about was her mom telling me the evaluation came back on her boyfriend and it said he was fine. I think the next person that tells me she told them that, I will respond with ask her to show you the 35 pages of the report. How about you look at my version with markups showing that the majority of the history is full of lies. Not the kind of lies that is my word vs her word. Like the kind of lies that I can prove. If she is so confident, then release the report! Like I say about my conversations to other people that she wants a copy of. Let’s put it all out there and see what comes to the top? I don’t fear my actions. I have people I vent to. I am not afraid to admit I have said some unkind things. They have been factual, but still unkind. I am a person that is all about producing the facts and letting people discern the truth. She likes to cherry pick specific parts that support her position. She won’t do it. She knows the truth. The devil is in the details. It’s the compilation of facts that reveals the truth. You say boyfriend came out here because you feared leaving me? Hmmm…well then there should be a history of that conversation about how dangerous I am and how fearful you were. Provide the chat histories. She won’t do it.

I’m going to make it through this. We are going to be ok. The mountain will peak. I just have to keep walking. I can’t give up. I am weary. I am tired. But, I am also strong. My kids are depending on me to be their shelter. I can not fail.