Thinking out loud in 2021

No, no Ed Sheeran. Jeez, I have enough fucking redheads in here already.

University ends this week. It was a five year ride - two years of junior college first, then three years of uni. I don’t really know what I’ll do without the structure. I do have a job, though. I start June 1st. I might have to make it June 3rd, though, because I don’t have car insurance and I will need to show proof of that before I resume jetting around Washington State. But you know, for money this time. I also get mileage. I need a way of remembering to record mileage. What do you do to keep up with mileage? Phone notes? I would do better with paper. There is a paper form, but it’s LARGE, and I don’t know where to PUT it in a well, you know, working car. That passenger seat gets a workout (I don’t drive my clients, but I do drive the kids.) (And that (^(&%IT*&%T( roommate, jesus christ.)

I’m afraid that the end of school will drop me into a nasty depression. I’ve had this structure for so long. How the hell do I live with the big empty yawn scream of summer? And I won’t have school to count down to. I am so afraid.

But I did go get my real license. Like, a plastic card. It was fucking $89! Highway robbery. But I needed it.

I’m afraid that even though I’ve been at my job (it’s my old internship) for nearly a damn year, I won’t be good enough at it to stay. I try so hard, but I haven’t placed a client yet. I do interviews, though. I do mapping. I make network connections all over when I can. Please am I good enough?

If I get fired, I’ll go back for my MSW or whatever comes next early. If I don’t, I’m going to take a year and work, see if I can find the part of my brain that writes novels again. I want that back. It used to be such…effortless…effort. It used to just spool out like yarn. Why can’t I do that now? I don’t even have ideas. I’m praying it’s just stress.

Please don’t let me have killed my happy thing.