The following Tuesday... in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

I didn’t sleep all that great last night, and I’ve spent my day in 3 different boat houses, one of which was about an hour away, where I had to climb 26 feet up the side of the building without a ladder (yes, in a climbing harness), to a 2x12 suspended on all-thread to work on a motor (okay, the remote receiver wiring), then come back to work on a 20 foot tall door off the top of the big ass boat to replace the door opener chain (approximately 50 feet of chain), then a smaller one to get it rolling again. It’s a lot of up and down… kinda like my life.Well… that’s mostly down, but eh. Point being, I’m kinda at the frayed end of my string at this point.

I’ve known for a while I was gonna hear news from R and S that while it is good news, and I am genuinely happy for them, but it’s still another knife in the heart. R came in Monday all smiles, and I kinda had a hint as to what it was, but it was confirmed when two other techs went out and were messing with S. R is pregnant. I smiled as best as I could fake, and quietly made my way out of the office, got in the van, and left. It was one big sucker punch. I came home to have a cigarette in the garage and put myself back in some similarity to composure, as faked as it was, and set out to my appointments early. I avoided the office as much as possible, till I ran out of calls and came back in. I tried to be at least a little social, but when talk of the news came up again, I clocked out and came home to deal with the BS of my ISP. That’s a little later. I also avoided the office today too. This morning was tolerable, this afternoon wasn’t, and I ended up leaving an hour early. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to think about it. I have been on the couch for about 3 hours letting YouTube numb my brain. Sometimes I wish I did drink. This is one of those times.

Like I said, I am genuinely happy for them, but it’s also painful, because it seems like I’m past the point where that’s gonna be part of my story. I’ve made so many damn mistakes in my life, I’ve made sacrifices I knew better than to make, I burned bridges I shouldn’t have, I wasted friendships and relationships for really stupid reasons, and now I’m alone, far from home, and it really feels like I’m going to die alone. I WANT to get married. I WANT to have kids. But, I don’t think I’m going to meet that person. I think I’m out of time to meet that person to start that part of my life. And that kills me. This is not where I wanted to be in my life. I never thought this would happen.

I know that everything in my life has been a lesson, a step in getting to where I am now, and who I am now. But damn, I wish I’d not made some of these mistakes. You’ve heard me say before about how badly I got things wrong with BL. But she’s not the only one I regret getting things wrong with. She’s just the one my subconscious beats me up with the most.

There is also JP. She was this twiggy little blonde that I dated, and she was absolutely spectacular. If anything she was probably the closest to my
perfect” idea of what I’m looking for, in every way. She was absolutely incredible. She never casually hugged me when we saw each other, it was always these tight as possible hugs where she was absolutely as close to me as she could possibly be. She was several inches shorter than me, but it was perfect because when she hugged me, the top of her head was right under my chin, so she’d turn her head sideways and lean in, and I’d rest my chin on top of her head. It was always so calming to hug her. She was all about me, but not in the overly dependant way… not really sure how to word it, but she NEVER made me feel like I was the second best option, or that she settled for me. As far as the physical part.... well.... let’s just say nothing stopped her, and I couldn’t tell her no. We both very definitely enjoyed each other and couldn’t get enough of each other. I never wanted to let her go. And she made me feel like she felt the same way. I was her first, and she was my first relationship on that level. (I’ve said before how my first time came about. JP was my second, but she is the one I wish I would have waited for.) But as usual, I screwed that all up royally. She’s my second biggest regret, behind BL. She and I would have made really cute kids, and with her personality, I think we would have been the couple that others would have secretly wished they had a relationship like ours. I think she and I would have made it last. Had I not been a completely and total jackass, that is.

Then there’s EJ. She’s the first person that I dated from work. We had a lot of differences, which from where I’m from in Texas, a white guy with a black girl is gonna generate a lot of stereotypical racist remarks, and I’ve heard a lot of them. I got called “Jew-boy”… no idea what Jews have to do with a white guy and a black girl, and I’m not bothered enough by it to look it up. A few joked about me having a “love slave”, which I didn’t take as racist until a trusted friend of mine who knows how I miss obvious social cues pointed it out. I got called a “nigger lover” on more than one occasion, which the only part of that what pissed me off was the use of that word directed at EJ. I cut some friendships for them using that term. Which yes, I was raised by a racist in a racist area, but I still HATED that word. And she definitely DID NOT deserve to be defined that way. She was very kind, very sweet, loved to laugh, loved to make me laugh, very outgoing, could take a joke, bluntly honest but knew how to word it kindly, she was just an all around absolutely good person. She’d had some rough spots though. She’d been married to someone that wasn’t exactly the greatest to her, and he left her while she was pregnant. It really hurt when she told me about that, because she really did not deserve it. We got along really well, and I really enjoyed time with her. Unfortunately, after she had the baby, life happened and we drifted apart. We didn’t exactly live close, and at this point, we were working different schedules. I got back in touch with her a few years later, after I’d found some old email from her, and we talked for a bit, then we lost contact again. But, she is definitely someone I will never forget. I totally would have married her. I probably should have.

There was Miranda. She lived 3 towns away, so timing wasn’t always the best. But she was also really awesome. I liked her family too. Although her sister could be a pain. This one time, she was bothering us, and I had this cheap WalMart pump action BB rifle we were messing with. We both told her sister to go away, and at one point I told her to go away or I’d shoot her in the ass with it. Her sister goes “Go head then!” and turns around and sticks her ass out. So I gave the BB gun one pump, aimed, and fired, right at her right buttcheek. She was wearing jeans and I aimed at the butt pocket, but she still jumped about 10 feet. Miranda cracked up laughing, and I just go “I warned you!” This girl comes over and moons us and says “It left a mark!” as she points out this red mark about the size of a pencil eraser. Miranda and I both about fell over laughing. Obviously, Miranda was awesome. Things didn’t get very far, even though we tried. I don’t remember what happened with her, or why it didn’t work, but for whatever reason, it just didn’t last. I wish it would have.

I think I’ve talked before about ZG, someone I dated here, after BM pulled her bullshit. ZG would have been awesome to be married to. She was this sweet bubbly blonde who lived 2 towns away, and I was absolutely enamoured with her. She’s the one that I didn’t know she wanted a goodnight kiss on our first date (cause I suck at social cues), so she pinned me against the side of my Explorer and kissed me like I’d not been kissed in as long as I could remember. Very very passionately. Shocked the hell out of me. We only managed to get together a few times, and things did go that far. Which, yeah, she’s another unforgettable in that department. Damn. I would have absolutely loved to have married her, and it did not take me long to figure that out. But, apparently I was her “good luck chuck”. I found out a couple years later that she married the guy she dated after me. That seems to be what I’ve become.
Good Luck Chuck.

Anyone I’ve dated since ZG, we’ve gotten to that point, things fall apart, and it seems like not long after, they’re engaged. That’s what happened the last few times I got back together with MC. I think she’s getting married fairly soon.
I’ve not had any relationships since her.

And now I’m here, alone, far from home, depressed, and can’t get motivation to do much of anything. And the only time I hear the words “I love you” is when I watch an Off The Ranch video.

The cat is whining for his dinner, and I’m losing motivation (and energy) to write this, so I’m going to end here. There are more mistakes than I’ve named here, obviously, but I don’t wanna think about this anymore either. But I’ll give you one last detail. Had my ex-fiancee’ not done what she did, I’d be half way to where I want to be. I’d have something in my life that I want, almost most of all.

I’d be someone’s dad.

Last updated April 06, 2021