This morning I shared my diagnosis on socials (IG and FB). It took me over 24 hours to actually pull the trigger on the post. I debated and debated on whether or not it was time to go public with this because I only have questions and no real answers, but this morning I literally could no longer hold it in. I was bursting and freaking and spinning.
I told you I can’t keep my mouth shut when it comes to my personal issues (unless it involves a dude, then I only write about it here because rule #1 of socials is to NOT air your dirties or heartbreaks, right?!)
ANYWAY. I pulled that trigger and opened that gate and the notes and texts and calls flooded in.
I can’t even believe how many people had stories of their friends or family members who got through their own personal journeys and have seen themselves on the other side. I’ve had soooo many offers of help and just general support that I’m really glad I’m doing this.
I even got a message from a FB friend I consider more of an acquaintance telling me that she was diagnosed with breast cancer a few days ago and is still saying WTF and not sharing just yet but wants to confide in me. I’m absolutely touched that she did.
I don’t know how much I’ll want to share. I don’t know what it’s going to look like. I don’t know how ugly this thing might get (or not!) and I honestly don’t want to know right now.
My psychiatrist friend called today to tell me to research only the things that will make me feel comfortable: what goodies to have in the house when I come home; what kind of wipes to have on hand or whatnot. What are the best practices for the most supreme ease and comfort.
He told me that it’s OK to be taking my valium to ease the anxiety (I’ve actually been drinking the wine, prob not a good idea - I’m switching tomorrow…after tonight).
And I’m thinking about maybe taking a staycation after the hospital stay - a nice boutique hotel or something just so I don’t have to worry about any dishes in the sink or doing any laundry. Haven’t decided on that yet - especially since I don’t know how long I will be in the hospital.
Regardless, there are moments I feel calm and good and warm inside. And then there are moments when I wonder how the world stopped spinning and yet I’m still held here by gravity.
Am I being dramatic?
I’m having such an existential crisis.
Okay. I need to go. The weather’s gonna get bad and I need to get home and plan…
Until next blab session,
GS
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