Morning Thoughts in These Foolish Things
- Feb. 6, 2021, 9:26 a.m.
- |
- Public
It’s so weird. I am/was feeling so healthy and getting the best sleep of my life before the scope. I was under the VERY watchful eye of my primary care physician who is also a personal friend.
But you knew I was worried, didn’t you? I WAS worried. I felt like something was wrong and was hoping that the thing that was wrong was a simple fix. I was hoping that I was worrying for nothing or something small.
But this. What even is this? It actually has me wondering who even am I? And what’s it all about? And what the actual fuck?
There has to be meaning in this, doesn’t there? Like, there’s a lesson in here, right? I ask God daily (and yes, I believe in god though I may not be super religious) for a sign and he keeps bringing me these really STRONG messages that I’m not sure what to do with.
Like, WHY this?
I know this is all part of the process, but I just don’t quite understand why others have the life experiences like marriage and children while I have the brain aneurysms, the assault and cancer. Yes, I said it. Not cool, I know, but it’s my journal.
And no, I know. I’m not supposed to compare and this is MY journey. But man. It’s been a wild one so far. And honestly, with SO MANY GREAT THINGS. I have so much to be thankful for, but what does it all mean?
But there is something. I don’t believe this is the end. I don’t believe that this is what takes me down - just like the carotid thing. I don’t believe this is it.
There’s something more.
Okay. These are my thoughts for this morning. Now I’m going to go take the dog for a nice, long walk.
XO,
GS
Mystery ⋅ February 06, 2021
Freinds with your PCP? LOL, didn't know that was allowed. Not judging you, of course, but thought that was supposed to go against their ethics and all that. Anyway, I can relate to your suffering, just in different ways. Feel better soon!
Firebabe Mystery ⋅ February 08, 2021
Oh, you can definitely be friends with your PCP. What's frowned upon is having a romantic relationship with them. And even that isn't necessarily illegal. It's more the fact that most medical professionals find it difficult to stay objective when treating someone they care about, and sometimes you need that professional distance in order to effectively treat someone.
Mystery Firebabe ⋅ February 08, 2021
Makes sense!
echopod ⋅ February 06, 2021 (edited February 06, 2021)
Edited
I wondered that about children — why do others get kids and I get various health issues instead. Don’t beat yourself up for it one minute, it’s part of the process like you said. It’s having empathy for yourself in a way, I think, like you would a friend. Mourning the bad things doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for all the good stuff. I think the demands for being constantly grateful and positive are unrealistic and cruel.
Thinking of you.
Fred ⋅ February 06, 2021
Your feelings are completely valid. It’s absolutely ok to feel angry and compare. It sucks. You have been dealt a really bad hand and it’s ok to acknowledge the unfairness in life. I’m so sorry.
And yes it was clear you were worried. As a reader though (even though I didn’t share it) I was fully convinced your worry was unnecessary. I’m so sorry I was so very wrong.
Still sending all positive vibes your way.
kashka ⋅ February 06, 2021
I can't even imagine. This must be an incredibly hard thing to process. But you are so strong. Physically and mentally.
Sending you ALL the healing energy.
WizeArtWorx ⋅ February 06, 2021
I agree with the above notes. If this were me I'd be pissed that this happen and wonder why me. I think that's perfectly natural.
Hope you and Martini have a nice walk!
Complicated Disaster ⋅ February 06, 2021
<3 xxx
bobbi01 ⋅ February 06, 2021
I know we aren't supposed to compare, but I agree with you. Some people just have an easier ride.
At Last ⋅ February 06, 2021
Not fair. Not fair at all.
Marg ⋅ February 06, 2021
I would be asking myself these exact same questions as well - you've such a rough ride in the last few years and none of it your own making. It's interesting that you feel there's something more to it all though - I always pay attention to those gut instincts - they're part of our survival!
Deleted user ⋅ February 07, 2021
Just caught up this morning. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You've written nothing uncool in your journal. It's what a lot of people think, both on their own behalf and on behalf of others. Heck, my first reaction was, "Damn, why does this happen to people like her, who are so engaged with life, have so many friends and loved ones, and have so many plans? And not murderous felons and other scummy people?" Hell no, it's not fair. But I do think it's that very engagement and all the support of those who love you that will help you get through this. Big hug.
Firebabe ⋅ February 08, 2021
The problem with saying "why me?" is that an equally valid question is also, "why not me?" and there's no real answer for either one.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. *hugs*
WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ February 08, 2021
Keep letting your words out.
The questions never stop.
Best wishes.
plushcreep ⋅ February 08, 2021
Sigh...
I have to say, I'm impressed with the way you're handling such a scary diagnosis. Strength and courage are so important for your overall health. I believe you'll beat this and come out stronger in the end.