I have one ear that can hear during the day with the help of a thing called a hearing aid but by night I am deaf when I sleep. Is this a blessing or a curse, or is it both?
My hearing aid tube part of it got broken so I have been without a hearing aid for the last two weeks. Lately all last week I hear violin and cello playing through my right ear. I suppose it is a phantom hearing brought about whenever I am sad or enveloped in quietness.
Living alone in a house, husband away across states for several weeks at a time, children either at school or in bed.
No calls, no email, no consistent letter writing from anyone. No sign language either, my sign language is deteriorating.
When the music is not playing I wonder
What is love? What is lust?
Am I depressed, Am I lonely, or am I just a loner?
I emptied my closet of dresses and dress shoes except for one dress flat shoes. Gave it all to goodwill, even my favorite ones.
I want to visit people but now I want to be quiet too.
I just want you to be yourself and leave me be. I can just be like a ghost just quietly feeding on your energy just so I can feel alive. I don’t want to hear, “How are you?” ” Are you okay?”
I want to hear, “want to do something with me?”
If I wanted to then just let me do it quietly with you.
and if I don’t want to. Then you go on and do it anyway leaving me to watch on quietly or the time to say something if I want to.
With wine in hand nearby, and the cello and violin music playing in the background. What would you be doing?
I wonder if I should be deaf forever from this day. It would save me from having to buy batteries or a new hearing aid when an upgrade is due.
The downfall, I won’t hear the new songs, I will only hear the phantom of the music. I won’t hear children laughing or crying. I won’t hear strangers complimenting me or conversing with me.
The upside, it forces people to learn sign language if they want to talk to me but what are the chances of that with me living in a forest near a small town?
I wonder how many questions will go unanswered in my journal to the day I die? I wonder how many questions I will find the answers to?
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