The past few years have been the most difficult for me, especially since my children are getting older and I am finding so much pleasure in developing a healthy, beautiful relationship with them. But, my inner sickness rears its ugly head when I find myself missing my dream version of you when I am spending time with them I am sad that they have no doting grandmother to be found in you.
Why didn’t you want to know me or my children? Was it that awful to have to spend time with us? Do you know what it was like to plan my wedding, and give birth to my babies all without a supportive biological mother? I have always been sad to see my step mother and my half siblings sitting together spending a lot of time together and they openly show that they care about each other, I never had any of that with you.
I considered that it might be that you don’t like me as a person, I mean, maybe it is me? But then why didn’t you care enough to get to know about the individual interests and hobbies of your other daughter Stephanie or your grandchildren so that you might actually select a gifts with meaning rather than slipping us cash out of some sort of obligation on birthdays and holidays? I grew up feeling like I was just a babysitter because you made me feel like it was a chore for you to have to stop and encourage me to go out and have fun to a football game or encourage sleepovers
I have tried time and again to spark your interest in spending some time with me, to get to know you better, only to be painfully rejected time and again. I am done asking, done setting myself up for the pain of rejection from a mother who is incapable of showing or accepting love. I have nothing of personal meaning that I have received from you in this life, well except for my physical features, of course.Why wouldn’t you let me know you? We have had no relationship beyond you complaining about my siblings, pointing out how I wronged you, EVER. If we were ever to get to chatting about the weather, I can get that type of relationship from a random stranger at a bar. You have shut down and tuned me out when I shared my feelings or when I tried to talk to you about the past or personal topics or understand you and your past that you have allowed to make you who you are. Even more painful is the fact that I have had no idea what is happening in our family when it comes to life events such as births, deaths, marriages, reunions, or anything else of family importance because you have excluded me from your family completely. You took away my dad and his family when I was a child. You asked me such a tricky question, “ Astra do you want to see a dad that does not want to see his own daughter?”
I was ten. I said no. I didn’t think any better. I didn’t really know what my answer would mean to you.
You took that as a no I don’t want to see my dad. If my dad didn’t want to see me then that’s something he needed to tell me himself. You took that choice from me. And then you made it impossible for me to have any relationship with your family too without encouragement. Your parents are my parents too, they are my grand-parents, your Sister, my Aunt. One time I asked if I could see my dad when we were all at the park. You looked at me and asked, “why?”
I was confused, I felt uncomfortable by you. Did I need to explain why? I was still a child. Since then I felt if I had asked for their address or phone number I honestly felt that I would get such a hassle from you. Your actions have made me feel invisible, isolated, and alone.
Your approval which I have learned mom is utterly unattainable. But I say that relationships are a two way street, they require give and take to make them grow. Clearly you think there is nothing wrong with the way things are, you are happy with the superficial chats and flippant conversations when I make all the effort to come visit you with my children and still ask you to help me make plans for me to come with the rest of my children you have not met since their birth. You still refuse my visit due to if I still associate myself with your other children’s father. You have no intention of working with me to fix it. So, I am left feeling as if you gave birth to me and then intentionally chose not to participate in my life. You have emotionally ignored and neglected me in all the most hurtful ways and justify your action in doing this is because I hurt you by not participating in taking sides which means letting my children have a relationship with all the relatives they have regardless of how you feel about their relatives. You are clearly are satisfied when your other children sees you who has before said mean things about you to which I have never said anything mean about you and when you have a fallout with them you take upon yourself to adopt some friends children, treat them as your own worse you treat them better than you do to us because they did not live with you, they did not go through the hardships of your mistakes your rejections.
Today, I am waking up to find out that while giving up on trying to improve our relationship will be one of the hardest things I will ever do, it is exactly the healing step that I need to take right now. The thing is, you are the one who is on the losing end of this stick; you will be missing out on your loving daughter, your amazing grandchildren, and all of the experiences that come with being a part of this beautiful family unit.
I am finally ready to grieve you and move forward so that I can focus on strengthening the many other healthy relationships I am blessed to be gifted with. Before I go, I want to tell you that I forgive you Mom; even though you may never ask for it, I am granting my forgiveness to you anyway so that I can find a way to also forgive myself for all of the hurtful feelings I have kept inside for so long and make room for the light to come shining in. From here on out, I wish you nothing but peace and calm without me. I wonder if you will even notice.
With Love Always,
Astra Z
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