ED triggers in Weight Loss Surgery

Some of my regular readers may know (but because this entry is public you all don’t know) I used to binge and purge. I haven’t done so in years but I had been on and off with the practice for a loong time.

I don’t do it anymore because I KNOW it doesn’t result in long term weight loss - or at least not for me. And it ruins your teeth and gives you heart burn / acid reflux.

So yesterday let myself go too far without eating. No on purpose though. I went into the office yesterday promising myself I’d just print out some work to take home and leave in a couple of hours. So I brought my tea and protein shake but no real food.

Fast forward to like 2 or 3pm and my tea and shake are done and I am HUNGRY.

SO I run home and eat some leftover cheesy mashed cauliflower I had from some other meal I had and I ate it too fast.

SO because I shoved too much down my gullet too fast (which isn’t even a lot cause you know I can’t eat much) it wasn’t really going down. I felt like it was at the back of my throat and I was struggling to keep it down.

I was feeling awful with how tight and full I felt from my stomach to my chest to my throat. I felt like I was too full to even burp - or if I did I was gonna vomit anyway.

So finally I went to the bathroom and as soon as I bent over it all came out. And even though it wasn’t a lot of food it seemed like it just kept going and going. And it reminded me of my past where I would eat myself to practically a coma and feel this same way and then make myself throw up and be throwing up for what seemed like forever to get it all out.

But I would feel so relieved when it all came out. And that’s the same way I felt after I finished throwing up the cauliflower.

I don’t want to enjoy throwing up. I don’t want to eat till my seams are splitting. I don’t want to stretch my stomach out. I just can’t get lax with the rules of this surgery. I have to EAT when I’m hungry and eat small slow bites so I can stop before I get to that point.

*My sleeve surgery did nothing to fix my eyes, which are always larger than my stomach. *

Plus being in the routine for 40 years of always finishing my plate is hard to break. So when I look at food I want to eat, I still expect to eat the whole plate and sometimes push past my full feeling to do so - which I did plenty of times before the surgery.

It’s just a hard habit to break. But I’m learning.