2nd Draft in The Creative Stuff- Feedback is welcome

This is a Sketch I’m working on for the comedy intensive I’m doing. My thought here is to eventually switch the format over to a short story. We’ll see how that goes, but for right now, I’m putting this here in sketch form.

                                                 WELCOME HOME- Katie Artis Wise

Welcome Home
By: Katie Artis Wise
1.28.2021 (version 3)
CAST
AMY- mid 20s, naive
BEN- late 40s,owns apartment building
JACK- Quirky neighbor, late 30s
GUY TENANT
GIRL TENANT

SETTING
Spacious, luxurious apartment lobby. BEN and AMY stand on opposite sides of lobby. AMY is holding a newspaper and waiting to see an apartment
BEN
Hi, are you Amy?
AMY
(Smiles)
Yeah. Are you BEN?
BEN
(smiles)
I am! Are you ready to see your new home?
AMY
(holds up newspaper) Definitely! I see that there’s a balcony, coin op laundry, gym, everything for $500 a month. Is that a misprint? Because it seems way too good to be true!
BEN
Misprint? Not at all! These units offer all that and more! I believe in doing good, honest business and I’ll always stand by that. This is a great building. Everyone is really nice, very accommodating, it’s like we’re all one big happy family here!

(all of a sudden, a loud crash is heard from upstairs as a couple is heard arguing)

GIRL TENANT
You’re such a piece of shit. I hate you! Who’s lipstick was that?
GUY TENANT
It was yours!
GIRL TENANT
It was NOT! I don’t wear whore pink. And who’s fake hair was in our bed, huh?
GUY TENANT
For the last time, it was the dog! You know he’s a long haired retriever!

Crashes and various things being thrown continue to be heard as the neighbors continue fighting in a muffled voice

(BEN turns back to AMY, gives her a huge, wide smile)

Since the laundry room is right here, why don’t we have a look at that first?
AMY
(cautiously, still listening to the fighting)
Coooollllll……
GIRL TENANT
(screams) And your mother’s a shitty cook anyway!

BEN leads AMY over to a closet, puts a coin in a slot machine and opens the door. They head down several steps to a sparse, empty basement that contains a washboard, a basin, a large boulder and a tennis racquet)

BEN
So, you provide your own laundry detergent and water, but we provide the basin, the board, the boulder and the beater.
AMY
Wait, what?
BEN
It’s simple. You wash your clothes against this washboard, then rinse in the basin and beat it against the boulder.
AMY
Huh? I’m so confused. I thought this was supposed to be coin-operated?
BEN
Oh, it is (BLACKOUT) it’s twenty-five cents a minute for the lights. (Enthusiastically) Come on, I’ll show you the rest of the place!
AMY
(sarcastically)
Can’t wait.
BEN
Pardon me?
AMY
Can’t wait!

(Nineteen flights of stairs later, AMY and BEN stand in front of a door. Amy is sweating and panting)
AMY
So let me guess, are the elevators coin operated as well?
BEN
Elevators?
AMY
Please tell me there are elevators.
BEN
Well, not exactly…. But what did you think of the gym?
AMY
Are you kidding me? The stairs are the gym?
BEN
I mean, do you really need more of a workout than that? (Opens the door to a shabby room with a huge hole in the wall. A mini fridge, milk crate, bedpan and hose are all scattered throughout) Here we are!
AMY
(Steps into the room, looks around incredulously) Am I on like, candid camera or something? Is this one of those games where I get a cash prize for having patience and surviving whatever brutal things you point out to me in here? This can’t be real.
BEN
(Confused) What are you talking about? Are you feeling alright? (Walks over to gaping hole in wall) Now let me show you here- in the summer, this provides excellent ventilation-
AMY
This is insane. Who in their right mind would live here? Let me guess- the milk crate is my “eat-in” kitchen, the hose is my shower and I don’t know what that bowl is, but I don’t see a toilet anywhere…. Wait- is that an actual bedpan?
BEN
(defensively)
Well it saves on plumbing!

JACK enters the apartment and walks up to BEN

JACK
Ben! Just wanted to thank you for making the lights coin operated again, it’s so much easier to do laundry without having to hold the flashlight! (Looks around, notices AMY) Wait, is this place vacant now? Mr. Linter finally kicked the bucket, huh? Man, I thought that guy would NEVER go. (Looks at AMY, laughs) took him long enough, huh? I was getting ready to offer to smother him with a pillow just to put him out of his misery!
(Looks back to BEN)
I didn’t know this place was vacant, you knew I wanted to upgrade! (Gestures to hole in wall) Just look at all of this light! (Turns to AMY) Don’t get any ideas, missy. There’s a hierarchy here… and you definitely aren’t at the top. Ben, let me know what I need to do to get this place. (Winks) You know I’ll do whatever it takes! (Runs out of apartment)
AMY
You’re crazy. You couldn’t pay me enough to live in this dump. I’m out of here. (Runs out of the apartment)
BEN
(calling down the hall after her) Wait, I never got to show you the balcony!
(BLACKOUT)