Let’s be honest in Musings

Let’s be brutally honest…

I know who I am and I know I am a super pretentious, spoiled, rich, incredibly selfish little entitled piece of shit.

I know that Liam is an incredibly loving, understanding, equally spoiled, hustling (not as wealthy as I am, but he fucking busts his ass to match me) super narcissistic (unlike me) egotistical and selfish piece of shit.

Liam was working and I finished work early, went to visit a friend… I don’t remember what I said our dog’s name was in this blog but I am going to
name our current dog “Wembley”… my friend had 2 female Morkie (maltese/yorkie) Liam says that he hates small dogs, but the way he treats Wembley who is a super expensive designer dog from two pure bred show dogs registered with the AKC, tells me otherwise. Wembley was my puppy, I crate trained him, I busted my ass for that little asshole, but Wembley LOVES LOVES LOVES Liam… and it’s not even that he loves Liam because Liam is the designated dog walker like Wembley doesn’t move or react when I tell him “let’s go for a walk!” He just stays by Liam… not to say that when Liam is gone, Wembley doesn’t protect me viciously and it’s weird to me because he was my puppy, my baby, and Wembley’s loyalty is always to Liam… and Wembley is not protective or possessive of me if Liam is around, but when Liam is gone; it’s very difficult to have anyone around me because Wembley is incredibly possessive, angry and aggressive if ANYONE tries to get to close to me. Liam finds it absolutely hilarious that this little fluffy fancy dog is super aggressive when he’s not around and he is vicious if anyone gets too close to me, but if Liam is around, Wembley could give two fucks about who gets close to me.

So I fall in love with my friends puppy, she was just born, she opened her eyes when she was 8 days old to me and snuggled in my hands… Liam was away on some trip… and I told him through text “babe so we have a new puppy, Wembley has a Sister and her name is “Winter”

“Babe, fuck out of here, we just got through getting Wembley through his puppy stage! I don’t think we need another puppy!” He texted and then he called.

But I am a incredibly spoiled, pretentious, rich little piece of shit, and Liam finally said “okay, let me see this fucking little beast”

She was born 2 days and a year before Wembley… they are Scorpio babies… Wembley was born Nov 6th 2019 and Winter was born Nov 4th 2020.

Fast forward to what is happening now, cause I couldn’t take her immediately and I’ve had to wait to bring her home until she was weened off of her moms breast…
Winter knows who I am, and she always runs to me and she’s a little skiddish with me and we brought her home on Jan 2…

Wembley plays with her and she’s a mega bitch to him she’s a little puppy and she should always want to sleep, but she beats up Wembley and when Wembley gets too rough she squeals and runs over to me.

Currently, Liam is passed out on the couch and Wembley is on his ankles and Winter is sleeping in my lap. Although Winter is skiddish of me, she squeals when Liam tries to hold her or touch her and I don’t know maybe it’s fucked up that she’s very scared of me but I’m also her little safe haven and she doesn’t like when Liam tries to pet her or play with her, she always watches him and doesn’t play with Wembley if he’s too close to her and she always looks back at me like “I’m scared of you, but that man scares me a lot more than you. Am I safe?”
I’ve been reading these puppy books and there is a consensus that a dog always gravitates to one person more than the other, the one that matches there own energy level… Wembley is such a dude dog, even if he is a designer expensive dog, he’s such a fucking dude, he’s just like Liam—-possessive, slightly erratic, hyper territorial, but also super aloof… and so far Winter is a fucking mega bitch, I had to teach her to not be territorial about her food, how to play with her father and her brother, but also letting her know bitch you’re a pretentious, snobby, selfish, rich little brat and in a house full of all dicks, you are going to be the only girl and the princess of the house.

I mean we will see it’s only been 3 days that she’s been with Liam, Wembley and I… she might turn out to be Liam’s other little watchdog and I just have to fend for myself in this house… but so far when Liam and I go to bed, Wembley cuddles around Liams calves and Winter wants to snuggle into my chest.

When she piddles off her wee wee pad and Liam tries to correct her, she doesn’t give a fuck, she’s wide eyed and bushy tailed but when I correct her, her baby puppy tail isn’t wagging, her ears are lowered, she stops her happiness and she seems disappointed that she’s done something incorrect and that I am correcting her… and she becomes attached to me, if I turn around she’s fighting with a string off my jeans, if I have my coat on she’s jumping on my calf’s and when I pick her up she snorts and snuggles underneath my coat.
Before Liam went to bed and I just woke up off the bed and have Winter on my lap… Liam said “I am happy that we have built a little family. You, me and these little terribly wonderful awful puppies… when I marry you, finally, I want these terribly wonderful awful puppies and I want you and me to have a terribly wonderful baby… I know you don’t like kids, but you didn’t want dogs and now we have two, off of your own accord. I just know you’re going to be screaming at me for being the cool dad building forts, buying stupid messy gifts and your going to be the strict dad, cleaning them, feeding them always pushing them… and what’s great about that is that our baby they might not want to be with you growing up as kids, but they’re going to adore you when they have left our nest… cause they’ll always know that you loved them some kinda weird interesting that they will only understand when they turn out to be just as beautiful as you and I will just be a fun memory to them” And he put his arm around me and Winter snuggled into me “you’re going to be the most amazing memorable dad, you’re going to get the “merry Christmas” texts, you’re going to get the “happy new year daddy” you’re going to get the “tell dad that I wish him a happy birthday! I love you!” Texts… you will never know how beautiful and important you are and I will always be the fleeting happy memory and as uptight as you are they will always come to you, OUR baby or babies will always come to you… and that’s how I know that my life is complete, you’re beautiful to me, I don’t care if I’m just a memory, to me you will always be the love of my life, the most beautiful thing to exist in my life… and our kids they’re going to not like you for a long while, but then they will adore you for the rest of there life and I’m cool being a fun memory”
“Shut up Liam, you’re being too deep about dogs. I don’t want kids” I said
“Well you’re going to have kids, I didn’t want a lot of things in our relationship, but one thing that’s a no-go for me Andy, is that you’re going to be the parent to our child. I am going to make you a father, that’s the only way you’ll understand how much you mean to me, how much I’m gonna sacrifice for you and us, where the next step of ‘Andy and Liam’ is going… I don’t care what you say, you’re going to be a Dad to our kids” he said holding me into him.
“Well I’m sorry Liam. I’m too selfish to have kids” I said
“That’s too fucking bad that you think you’re that selfish to have kids. Too fucking bad that you can’t man up and buckle down. I’ll make enough money soon to buy you your Dior, Balenciaga, Gucci bullshit and still have a baby Andy that you’re going to love and worship the ground the fucking little asshole walks on and run up my credit card with all the designer baby shit you will get him. I’m a fucking man, a whole man, born a man, made a man, and whatever socially constructed blah blah blah it is to be a man, you’re having my son, or my daughter, you are raising them and I want a little pretentious, spoiled piece of shit just like you in this world… I really love you Andy, I want you to take care of our future and I want you to raise our children with me… I swear to you that you never have to worry about money, you don’t have to dip into your savings or whatever fucking finances you keep away from me…” he says
“Liam your being hella much…”
“Babe… I’ve given you everything I could, everything I can, don’t think that I don’t know you walk all over me like a fucking door mat… I don’t give a fuck what you say, you are raising our kid, maybe kids… with me, end of story” he said as he kissed me.
“Liam nnnn—“ I tried to say no, he kissed me, he moved our dogs off the bed.
“Baby, there’s no other question about this, I want to marry you, before we have a third dog I need ONE child and it’s not a question, we aren’t separating because if this, BABE IF YOJ WERE A GIRL ID JUST FUCKING BUST MY SPERM INSIDE YOU” he said as he moved Winter
“Oh so you’d rape me? That’s what your saying?” I said
“Nah, you push me to be a better man and you push me to invest in shit and I’m dropping money like water and I was scared but you made me a better man, you’re gonna be a better man. It’s not rape, it’s I know who you are and I see you for who you are and you won’t ever leave me because I know you Andy, just do this one thing for me and for us…”
“ I see your point Lee” I said as he laid on top of me.
“I mean damn…” he said looking all around the bed “if I just want to fuck your brains out—-how we gonna fuck if there a little baby Liam/Andy?” He said as he wrapped my legs around him.
“Exactly! How?!” I said
“Just fucking open your legs like this” he said as he pushed inside me. “No one is watching us, you feel warm, wet and tight as you should”

And for the rest of the fuck session… I just kept thinking “yeah I want to bust a nut, but also—-if I wanna go to the Maldives… how am I gonna do it with a baby? If our baby has a fever, what the fuck do I do? My best friend had a 9 month old daughter and she died of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome)… WHAT IF THAT HAPPENS TO MY BABY, OUR BABY? I WOULD DIE WITH THAT CHILD… I’m not built strong enough to overcome all of the risks of parenthood… what if my child is molested, what if my child is transgender, what if my child is a sociopath? What if they are bullied? What if they’re like me and they have to relive my life? What if everything bad I’ve done in my life God makes them repay for my awfulness? What did I do wrong? How can I save my baby? I know that if my child is a fucking serial killer, I would still love and adore them and tell everyone that I did it, because what else do I have to live for if not for them? There are too many factors in having a child that I don’t like because it all boils down to, that is my child, I created it, I raised it, I live, eat and breath for them, I will blindly, wholeheartedly sacrifice myself for them even if he/she wasn’t right, they will always be right because Dad said so… and that interrupts my concept of myself… I will give everything away to that child, everything, I will sell my soul to the devil for my child… and when I have nothing else to give them, I will find whatever is left of me to give… like Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree…

I KNOW WHO I AM AND IVE PROTECTED MYSELF FROM WHO I AM.

I know who I am and I know I am a super pretentious, spoiled, rich, incredibly selfish little entitled piece of shit.

I am selfish. I chose to be selfish. No one tells me that I am selfish, because I know who I am.