I gained in Weight Loss Surgery

SO ok …

Yesterday was my first visit back to the doc since surgery. I really thought that me and Will were going to go together even though this visit had nothing to do with him. We’ve gone to that office together since the beginning and he’s always driven.

You guys know I don’t really like doing things, esp. new things on my own and I don’t like driving to places I’ve never been because even with the GPS sometimes I take a wrong turn and get flustered and make more wrong turns and it really takes me a min to calm down and get back on track to make it to where ever.

SO when Will came home yesterday he went to sleep right away. I was in the shower so I didn’t even see him. But I thought “great, he’s going to sleep early so he can come with me to my appointment”.

I’m sure last week I told him this appointment was coming up but I didn’t mention it multiple times or anything.

So then when it got close for me to go he didn’t wake up. And I felt like a dick to wake him up just so he can come to this visit that has nothing to do with him.

So when it was time for me to leave, I left. And I did get there just fine. But I was all anxious about the drive and seeing the doc. I was worried he was going to say I wasn’t losing fast enough since my weight loss stalled a full 5 days during my period. So I’ve only really lost 10lbs since the surgery when it should be something like 15lbs (in my mind).

So I go to the office and there’s 3 other patients in there. They are all “afters”. All 3 were skinny. Different ages and races but I kinda feel like if you’re in a WLS office and you’re skinny then you’re already like a year out. You’re done. You’re just doing maintenance. And I feel like they knew that I was a “before”. And I dunno, that made me feel self conscious while I was waiting my turn.

Eventually I did get weighed and see the doc. According to his records I’ve lost 22lbs since the last time I saw him. That was before the liquid diet before the surgery. So in a way it looked way better for me that he considers that I’ve lost 22lbs under his care. Thats’ fine by me.

He did look at my scars and everything looked fine. He saw the stich sticking out of my belly button and he said I could pull it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was like NO. WTF. Eventually I guess it will dissolve or break on it’s own and now that I’m in my 3rd week it doesn’t really matter when or how it happens as long as it doesn’t cause me lasting pain and doesn’t get infected. etc.

Weirdo - pulling out my own stitches like I’m Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

ANYWAY so after I got home Will said that he didn’t even remember I had an appointment and had no idea where I went.

It’s fine, I got through it.

BUT the point is - after that I inhaled the world. I think I ate out of relief for everything going well. My nerves were high for a couple of hours while I was waiting for Will to get up and then driving on my own and then the waiting room and the weigh in and the drive back - I was just stressed. So then I got home and out of relief for being safe at home I ate.

And when I say “ate the world” I maybe ate 1.5 cups of food in total, in small bites, over a few hours. But I didn’t get in all my protein and water. I had banana baby food and refried beans with guacamole. No I didn’t have cookies and chips but I didn’t eat like I’m supposed to.

Plus I haven’t pooped again in a few days. I’m still taking the miralax but I don’t even actually feel like I have to go anyway cause on the whole I’m eating so little and it’s all practically liquid so there’s not much to release. My butt isn’t sore anymore btw which is a blessing. And Will also feels better as well.

SO then this morning my period was done and I stepped on the scale and I gained a lb. And I was like WTF is this? Who gains while eating at max 600 cals a day?! What was this whole surgery even for if I’m gonna gain on my first cheat, which was barely a cheat cause it’s still a small amount! Bananas, beans, and avocado - gimmie a break.

So I was shocked for a bit and now I’m just trying to let it go cause I know I’m still in the very beginning of this process, and I’m coming off my period and a stressful day yesterday and I can’t fly off the deep end for 1lb. I dunno. It’s a little disappointing but all I can do it better with my water intake, etc. and keep moving forward with the belief that this surgery IS going to work.

Cause there is the fear of : What if I stay in the 260’s? What if I get this surgery and even though it’s worked for thousands of others - it doesn’t work for me. What if I went through all this for nothing? Everyone knows I got this surgery and they’re expecting big changes out of me. What if I disappoint everybody and myself by never losing more than I have so far. What about the I told you so from people like Will’s mom who never wanted me to get it done and Still doesn’t want Will to get it done. What if What if What if....

It’s tough and I’m scared but I’m just going to have to wait and see…