Liquid Diet 7 of 12 - 275 lbs in Weight Loss Surgery

For those keeping count - 11 lbs down in 7 days… but this isn’t a diet you can maintain so I wouldn’t recommend it.

Today I’m off work so I can go to the hospital where my surgery will be on Monday. They want to do more bloodwork and give me a cv19 test.

I forgot to mention that Monday night when I went to bed Will came to cuddle. A rarity because him and me go to bed at different times and half the time he falls asleep on the couch anyway.

So, on the verge of sounding too woo woo I will say I felt his worry. Worry that everything will change and maybe not for the better. Will, being the worry wart he is, is probably shook that my surgery is so close and I may lose a ton of weight and find a better guy.

That’s not at all in my plans - if anything I’m doing this FOR him.

And don’t get me wrong, he’s never asked for this or commented on my weight. He’s never asked me to lose weight or even suggested a diet or exercise routine - that has all been me.

But what I mean is that I’m very unhappy with my physical self - I’m not saying I’m not beautiful cause I don’t consider myself ugly but I am very large and it is an inconvenience.

My hope is that I lose this weight, shrink down to the “normal” category of a person - someone who would never stick out solely due to weight - and love my body more which then would encourage me to share my body with him more.

You guys know we have no sex life and it’s all my fault cause I never want it and part of it is because I hate the way my body looks, the way it moves, feels, everything.

And yes I know after this surgery I’ll have a ton of loose skin but for some reason that doesn’t bother me as much. I’ll still be smaller, lighter, have more energy, more agility - not just for sex, for everything.

There’s so many things that my weight effects besides the size of my pants.

The way my car squeaks when I get it. The way my office chair barely holds me. The difficulty of finding a winter coat that covers all of me. Washing my own back. Painting my toe nails. Playing with Emma. Fitting in other people’s cars - I refuse to get in my moms car because I’m too fat for it’s seatbelt. What if someone tried to attack me? How would I get away carry 300lbs of fat with me. Where would I hide a size 24 ass? How tired I always feel at the end of the day - so zapped of energy.

ALSO - my reliance on food as a mood stabilizer.

I’m sad right now. And there’s nothing I want more than to distract my mind with anything and everything. The ability to run to food when I feel feelings is going to be taken away and I NEED that. I need to be angry and sad and everything else. I need to stop numbing with food and swallowing down my feelings like I often do.

I think part of the reason I am so friendly and don’t really get mad at outside people that might really deserve is because I know the first insult that throw back is that I’m fat. And that really hurts. I live in fear of other people pointing out that I’m the biggest person in the room or store or school or where ever.

I’ve even located some people in my state who have or will soon have surgery and all of them are at least 50lbs smaller than me. Yes they’re still obeese but I’m EXTRA. I ignore how big 300 lbs is because most people are too nice to mention it but I am BIG. Like an orange with legs big. And it needs to stop cause once I hit 50, 60, 70 I’ll be living with a walker and an oxygen tank and I would rather die lol than have that be my life.

SO when I say I’m partially doing it for him it’s because I want to be happier for us.

And he does too. He wants nothing more than to ride rollercoasters. And I’ll remind him of that when next I see him so he can get on the ball about his blood test so he can get approved too. We’re supposed to be doing this together and while I feel a hint of guilt about going forward without him - I’m also getting a little angry that he’s dragging his feet.

Last updated December 21, 2020