Guilt/Shame in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

I’ve always been on the shy side, especially about some things. I can know a girl likes me, I can know she wants me to ask her out, and I still get shy and embarrassed about it. It gets even worse if I try and talk about more intimate stuff even with someone I’ve been dating for a long time. But lately, I’m realizing that it’s more than just me being shy.

I was driving around in silence today, except my mind wasn’t silent. I was thinking about a few things I wanted, or wanted to do, and realized that I’ve been arguing with myself for no reason.

Let me start with something really mundane. My mobile phone is old. I’m still using a Samsung Galaxy S7. I’ve been saying for years that I’m going to get a new phone, I go and look at new phones, I do all the research on new phones, but I won’t pull the trigger. But I keep looking at the price and can’t justify it to myself. I have the money. It won’t put me in a bind. It won’t cause a problem with my carrier, I just have to switch my SIM card into it. But I may or may not do it. I feel weird about buying a new phone, like maybe I’m not supposed to, or it’s not the right thing to do. I dunno.

It doesn’t end there. I had to replace a computer that I use with my TV, as the old one was just getting unusable due to hardware issues, plus it was already old. Figured out what I needed out of a computer to do what I do, which is mostly just streaming, found the one that was the cheapest with my hardware requirements, went to BestBuy, goofed around a little, then bought it. On the way out to the truck with it, I felt like I shouldn’t be doing this, like it wasn’t right. I realized today, I felt ashamed of buying it. Why??? I don’t answer to anyone, I’m not missing out on bills or groceries to buy it, I can totally afford to buy it without financing, and as far as entertainment value, it will pay for itself in less than a year for replacing my cable TV service. So why am I wrong? And who am I wrong to? It’s just me and the cat, and he doesn’t care about that sort of thing. So what cause do I have to be ashamed of making a legitimate purchase?

I’m realizing I have the same issue with dating. It’s one reason I’ve not written that post about what I look for / want in a potential girlfriend. I made a joke about it being the “dream girl / build a b!tch workshop” post, but to me, just thinking about figuring out that criteria, I feel guilty about it. I’m not looking for anything weird, and I’m not looking for anything that I shouldn’t be looking for, but I still feel guilty about it. I feel guilty for even wanting a girlfriend at this point, and I cannot explain to myself why.

I used to be the typical guy in my head, but never said as much. I’d see a girl I was attracted to and think about getting her into bed, or at least getting her top off and messing around - side note, I’m a boob guy. But lately, even in daydreams, that’s not something I even consider as an option. I’m not able to imagine anything beyond hugs or snuggling, without feeling weird about it. What happened? Is this because I’ve been single so long, or is there more to it than this?

I’ve always had issues being shy about things with girls. Even on here, there are a lot of things I have a hard time saying, or at least feel really weird about saying. This is supposed to be my place to say whatever I want to say, no matter how off the wall or disgusting, just to get it out of my head. But I can’t. Even girlfriends that I’ve been with for half a year, I still had issues talking to them about anything even remotely sexual. Thankfully, every girl I’ve dated, even the bad ones, have been okay with my lack of words. Try to say something about her boobs, and I just can’t say it. I just kinda trail off, then quickly glance down and back up, and that got the point across. The more intimate it was, the harder it was for me to talk about. I’ve never been able to just directly say it. I can’t talk about her parts, and I can’t talk about mine. I feel ashamed of it. Even if she’s the one leading the conversation, I still can’t manage it. I just spit, sputter, and glance my way through it.

Is that not how I’m NOT supposed to be? Should I not be able to just say the words, no matter what? I mean, I am a guy. That’s the kind of thing guys do. Like MC, okay, she had really REALLY nice boobs. We’d be in bed, making out, and I’d finally get around to feeling her up, and I just could not manage the words “You’ve got great t!ts”. I’d just give a gentle squeeze and an “Mmm… nice”. It’s not like that’s even kind of where it starts. Years ago, JP and I were “learning” a lot from each other, to say the least. She, if anyone, should have been someone that it should be more than easy for me to SAY the words about what to do or what I wanted, and I still couldn’t. And no, I wasn’t restricted - she made very clear to me that ANYTHING was at lest try-able. I swear, that girl must have been at least somewhat a mind reader, cause we got things figured out, and we both very much enjoyed it.

But why can I not just say it? Why can I not even think it? What do I have to be ashamed of? Why should I feel guilty about wanting a new phone, or a new computer or a new girlfriend? Why should I be ashamed of wanting a girl with certain traits - physical or personality? Why have I gotten to a point that I can not even get past first base in my daydreams? At that, I’ve not had any dreams even get to first base in, I think, months. What the hell is going on with me?

What really turns this into a mindfuck, is my mind has been bringing up memories of what some of the physical stuff feels like. Not sex, just what boobs feel like, and sliding my hand down a girl’s bare body. No, I have no idea who this reminder is of. But If I allow myself to think about this kind of thing, it’s like I’m getting my wrist slapped. It makes me feel like the look my dog would give me if I scolded her - head down, ears down, tail between legs, remorseful eyes. And I have not even a slight clue why this is happening. Maybe I’ve been single too long. Maybe I’ve left something unfinished with someone. Is it because I’ve not sent BL a groveling novel of an apology? Is it because I got back in communication with S? Is it because I once again got jet-blast-burnt by MC? Is it because I’m fed up of living in Washington and need to go back to Texas at almost any cost? Whatever it is, I either need an answer to what the hell is going on in my head, or it just needs to stop.

I don’t need this right now. I’ll not deny that I’m tired of being alone, but how is this going to help me try to find someone, if I can’t even decided things about this in my head? It’s just more confusion to an already chaotic internal dialog. I guess the file clerk in my mind is just shit-faced-drunk, and thinks reminding me of the feeling without context makes perfect sense. Or thinks marking my thoughts and memories with a big red SHAME stamp is funny.

I do wish that some decently attractive girl would just walk up to me and make the first move. I know that’s not how it works, but I can wish. Maybe that would stop all this bullshit in my head. Maybe it wouldn’t But it would at least make it more bearable all around.

Sorry for the novel.

EDIT: 30 minutes after I wrote this, I changed one self-loathing bitch-point. I ordered a new phone. Note 20 Ultra 5G, 256GB Exynos variant, in Mystic Black. It’ll be here Tuesday. So I can’t bitch about that anymore.

Last updated October 16, 2020