Grump in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

If I’d known then what I know now, lol.

In this case meaning? I should have selected TODAY to be the work from home day, not last Friday. Last Friday? Nothing happened. Which sounds like a good day to not be at work. But at the same time? Compare it to today. Today? 5 hearings, all phone calls. Plus returning 3 phone calls.

I would MUCH rather be on the phone in my sweat pants, sitting outside w/a lemonade, throwing things for my dog. Like at this point in my life? My hatred of the phone is known. I don’t like the phone. Especially as a lawyer, there is nothing I can say in a phone call that would not be BETTER as an e-mail! Because once it is written down and submitted it may be retrievable for if/when it is needed again. THE IRONY here is that the reason these hearings must be done via phone call is.... and get this… SO THAT WE CAN KEEP A RECORD OF IT. We have to phone in, so that we can keep a record. And what do these phone calls honestly need?
(1) Roll Call: Who is on the call
(2) State refers to DHS record previously submitted to the court
(3) All present support or reject the DHS report submitted by paper to the court last week.
(4) Dismissed.

You’re telling me that we can’t do that without a phone call?

UGH.

Besides, my foot hurts and I have a lot of stuff I need to do at home. Honestly, it would be nice if I could find a Maid Service or House Cleaning service of some kind. I’d much rather pay someone to take care of all of that.

But that’s the humor of rural life. I could make the kind of money needed to be able to afford these services; but there’s nobody offering them. Living in The City, you’d see Maid for Hire cars everywhere but… the demand just isn’t that high in rural areas.

Victoria got a COVID test yesterday. I’m about 98% sure that she doesn’t have it. Her symptom of concern was “tightness in the chest” which could be almost anything. Clearly, it is a symptom of COVID so I’m glad that she got the test if she thought she needed one. Here’s hoping she doesn’t have it. If she DOES, then I’ll make damned sure I get a test, too, just to make sure. It is so tragic what I hope for because it is so shitty. BUT it has been a long time since I was last in Hospital and I’d actually not mind returning if I knew that I’d leave at some point. You see, that’s just it. Even when I’ve gone in for invasive surgery, I’ve always been certain that I was leaving. A few weeks in, then back out. I’ve never gone into a hospital with the concern that I’d die there. But someday, that will happen. One of these days, I’ll be taken to a hospital (or drive myself) and it will hit me. “This may be what takes me down.” When that thought hits… I’ll probably be far less happy about hospital stays. But I’m still in the “Hospital is where you go to rest, heal, and recuperate” mindset. And resting, healing, recuperating, having your meals prepared for you and brought to you, being allowed to sleep whenever you want… all of that sounds lovely right about now. Not to mention, my constant dehydration could certainly stand a saline drip.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand… three of my hearings for today got cancelled; while I now have depositions scheduled for tomorrow. JUST what I want in a pandemic. Sitting in a small room with 5 to 6 people all speaking. Great. Guess I’ll re-schedule my eye appointment and get my glasses updated some other day.

And with nothing on my calendar today now until 3.... grump. Technically, if I were a wise and capable man, I’d spend this time preparing for future dates. I know shit is going to rain down hard in approximately 2 weeks. Smart man prepares ahead of time. I’ve got phone calls to return. One woman called over the weekend to ask to postpone court because she’s due any day now. I should call her to say I can try but no promises. Problem is… this is a Domestic Abuse case (because of COURSE it is) and she is adamant that we not prosecute her about-to-be-newborn’s father. Except, kid, your man? He’s 21 years old, and has already been convicted of (1) destroying someone’s things in anger; (2) carrying a gun while drunk driving; (3) meth possession; (4) choking you until you blacked out last year; and (5) another count of destroying someone’s things in anger. THIS TIME, he was trying to beat up someone else, started slamming his fist into the guy’s house, and pushed you down WHILE you were pregnant. So… when I call to talk to you; I’m sure you’ll do your damnedest to try to convince me to dismiss all of the charges. Stupid fucking… so this is just more.... he’s 21, 6 foot 3, tattoos all up and down his arms. In other words: The ideal man for this area. In fact, the drugs and rage are probably considered bonuses instead of detriments to these folks.

AND that isn’t me putting these people down, really. For example, I respect Essen. She is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. But when it comes to men? Same story. She’s got her a tall, thin, rough looking man… who has severe mental instability resulting in violence and emotional abuse.

HA! Aaaand more. So… just got an e-mail. I need to put together a massive charging file. 16 year old got arrested. Beat up EVERYBODY. ALL the cops he saw. Got sent to the State Training School. Beat up EVERYBODY. All the staff he interacted with. Got sent to Juvie. Beat up EVERYBODY. ALL the guards. So they sent him back to the State Training School. CAN YOU GUESS THE PATTERN? And… this is what the state gives to me. There is no place for this kid to go. ANYWHERE he’s sent, they’ll ship him back to us and the State Training School because “the child is a violent criminal”. And the State mandate is “The State Training School is a place of counseling and rehabilitation. It cannot employ or be purposed as a Correctional Facility.” OKAY, then can you keep this kid in a Correctional Facility then?!

Jumping from that, decided to actually try to do some work. At least a little. I mean… my boss has 9 jury trials scheduled for Oct 1 and I have 5 scheduled. ONE of those is absolutely going to happen. OF my 5, I reviewed and sent Plea Deal Proposals. 1 was accepted. 1 was rejected. The other three? We’ll see. ALL of them are matters of violence.
(1) 17 year old beating up adults
(2) 21 year old pushing his pregnant wife around, literally
(3) 15 year old who beat the FUCK out of 3 adults
(4) Woman who, after letting a well known douche bag blow weed smoke into her baby’s face, decided to start picking fights with “all them hootchie ass bitches tryna tell me how to raise my kid!!”
(5) Massively abusive guy that buys his recovering alcoholic ex wife liquor whenever he wants to spend time with her; invariably ends up in an argument where he hits her (a bunch) and then demands that his 5 year old autistic son “lie for daddy”. So, I’m guessing that’s going to trial.

And at 11:35 a.m. I’m already thinking it. All of the violence and relationship abuse and ugliness of this job? This damned year. Really. I mean, I knew what I was signing up for here. SVU? Yes please. Home of the State Training School? I was given the best real world Juvenile Court education possible by Judge Kester; let’s do this. All within my realm of CAN DO. But a lot of that? Relied on access to others. Even little things like the Okoboji Trip or Community Theater… experiences where I could pull my head up and see that the world WASN’T just violence and relationship abuse and ugliness. But this year… we’re all experiencing just a little more ugliness, aren’t we? Oh… me and my timing. And almost every single one of you all had mentioned that I might want to embrace the divorce thing a little earlier… if I’d had any idea that the Pandemic or Trump’s Bullshit would have gotten like this? I would have told Nancy to stay in Des Moines working for Pioneer Seed and would have done this entire job starting out in a separation/divorce. Used the transition and learning the new job to carry me over the hard times of the divorce. Gotten hooked into Theater, maybe a few other social clubs in the area. THEN when the Pandemic hit… but it is foolish to consider the what might have been. And without Nancy, I wouldn’t have the house or the dog. So things are the way they are. And I must learn to steel myself, accept the emotional tired and feelings of being run down, and carry on.

Which in the modern age, I suppose means looking through memes until I go home.

Well, here’s a sign that I need to deal with my trauma better. Saw a list of “creative baby announcements” and… I actually started feeling myself get angry, then sad. I mean… one of the big things that finally really pushed me to the point of divorce? Nala. If you can’t be arsed to walk the dog… I’m not even saying every day, I’m saying a few times a week… then how you gonna raise a kid? If you can’t be arsed to cook ever… I’m not saying every day, I’m saying a few times a week… then how you gonna raise a kid? If you can’t do more than watch TV and play cell phone games… then how you gonna raise a kid? And then when she went back to school?? The “I have to do school work 12 hours a day for 2 classes, take care of everything” when while I was in law school, it was “Chris takes a full course load, busts his ass, works a part time job, and helps with everything around the house”?? All that together.... how could I ever even HOPE to have a child with this woman at some time?? And then it all added up. All of the distance, the lack of affection, the total lack of interest in me or my life, everything wrong with our relationship just… finally felt too much.

Do you know what I hope for? Like… really, seriously, passionately hope for? Certain scenarios.
(1) I would love to see me and a wife, totally in love with each other, in the kitchen making something tasty and healthy. Has to be both because we like flavor and we want to live healthier lives. That would be one of those “Fun and Functional” moments
(2) I would love, on a gray rainy Sunday afternoon, to look up from my book and see a wife, lying on her stomach on the couch, also reading. That would be one of those “Warm, Arrived” moments.
(3) I would love to see me and a wife, very comfortable with one another, in one of the Fire Place Having rooms, just lazily watching the telly or doing something where we’re sitting together and either we start holding hands or our heads lul towards each other and we’re just sitting, enjoying the fire, enjoying each other’s presence. That would be one of those “Warm, Feeling Connected” moments.
(4) I would love to have one of those lazy days turn playful then sexy. In passing or absently just… swat her butt or grab it or… something playful… and she would respond. And as we got playful, we’d get cuddly, and then passionate. We’d feel a need for one another and follow that need. That would be one of those “Fun and Sexy” moments.
(5) I would love to have the conversation about having kids. We’re sitting together eating dinner and we’re discussing it but it feels less like a conversation about our future and more like a conversation about our now. And one of us speaks up and says, “So, should we start trying?” And that first night of “Let’s make a baby” sex is intense and wonderful and full of hope.
(6) I would love to have one of those “okay, so where’s the nursery” discussions. The kind that start out like a casual “just thinking out loud”” conversations but by the end of it you’re already writing shopping lists.
(7) I would love to have one of those days where you both just wish you could have each other but the kids need attention, and so you have to wait until, by the end of the day, you’re both too tired; but as you lay together in bed, you’re just happy to have each other there.

These are things I think about sometimes. Maybe romanticized. Maybe unrealistic. But this is the stuff I honestly want in my life. It would certainly counteract the ugliness I deal with at work. But also… those just feel… like human moments… two humans recognizing each other’s humanity and embracing it.