Bar Close - Politics or Teletubbies in 2020 - public

Two people in the bar while I’m cleaning:

Ones “Crazy Charlie.” He’s telling me about how the government and Starbucks are now working together to change the weather; “I mean, you’re gonna tell me that they release pumpkin spice lattes and the next day it’s 30 degrees cooler?!?”

The other ones some dude I’ve never seen before but has had three shots of whiskey and four beers in less than an hour and demands that I’m giving too much attention to Charlie and his conspiracies.

“You’re my bartender. It’s your job to listen to me too. It’s why I pay you.”

Hmmmm. Okay. You all know me too well. I immediately zone out looking at this guy trying to figure out why he reminds me of the green teletubby.

“But all lives matter” I hear him ramble on

Man, I wish I was cute enough to be the baby sun that would laugh at the teletubbies. Oh, I think I’m smirking now, oh whew, mask is on, he can’t see that and misconstrue it for acknowledgement that he’s not remotely racist. I catch another line of the sad white sacks old fart diatribe;

“You know but he was a criminal and they found all this stuff on him after the fact and he had a knife or a gun…”

What the fuck was the red ones name again? Po? Ah fuck yea. Po. Tinky Winky, Dipsy…and ahhhh goddamnit what was the last one?

“We don’t need that many mailboxes anyways but you know what…”

God why do I just wanna say ‘LALALALALALALA’ out loud?
OH WAIT OH FUCK THE LAST ONES NAMED LAA-LAA!!! Yes! I fuckin’ broke my mind puzzle again! HAHAHAHA

“…wait why are you laughing, what did I say that was funny.”

“Well sir, do you fancy yourself a criminal?” I asked.

“That’s a personal question.”

I laugh again, “Well I’m not trying to invade your privacy at all. Frankly I don’t care about your past. I’m taking it from the truck I saw you get out of on your maskless walk up to my front door that you drove here. The only thing I’ve been keeping track of is what you have drank. You’ve had three beers and two shots in less than an hour.”

“Yeah but I’m not even drunk, I drink a lot more at home”

“Well my friend, I’m sure you do, but putting aside your rationalized behavior, you’ll be a criminal in about 45 seconds after I finish this sentence. There’s no way you’re sober now, and I’m not a human breathalyzer but I don’t think you’d pass an actual one so when you get behind the wheel of that truck and stick your keys in it, you’re a criminal. What makes you any better than any other criminal other than you haven’t been caught by the system? I’d hate to drop the Bible verse about ‘judge not lest ye be judged’ but since you already broke the unwritten rule about not talking about politics in a bar I guess we’ll touch on religion too.” I finished to take a breath through my covered face.

“Are you saying I’m as bad as someone that has a felony warrant out man?” he asked me with an angered inflection.

“No, I’m saying you’re a criminal if you get in that truck, and what makes you any better?”

With a huff, puff, and a scoff, old white fart bag weeble wobbled off his stool and shimmied out the door.

I couldn’t believe it but there was a $1 bill under his bottle! My lucky day!

I turned around and went back over to Charlie. I could see the smile through his mask.

“Wow,” he said, “I really like when you work.”

I giggled.

“So Charlie, what flavor does Starbucks release to make it winter and will you give me the heads up?”