Back to basics in Weight Loss Surgery

So of course I’m sitting here not knowing what to do after my bad behavior in the previous entry so I go to my cards.

Strength in Reverse.
First impression to me is that I’m forcing something. which is exactly true. The card - if it was upright - shows a person in control of a lion without force or fear. I imagine since I got it in reverse, I’m probably trying to make that Lion do what I want but I’m not being gentle about it.

I get that.

Ace of Swords in Reverse.
Swords are thoughts. Aces are gift from God. If this was in the upright it would be an enlightened idea of sorts but I didn’t get it upright. I do know that what I did was a bad idea.

I feel like my cards are scolding me.

Queen of Pentacles.
The book talks about this queen being sensitive. And also talks about knowing your worth.
Even though this card is in the upright I looked at the reverse. This queen could use her own pain and guilt trips to get what she wants. That def was me this morning but in the upright I take it to mean I’ve learned my lesson. But also I hope my sister learns self worth!

6 of Pentacles reversed.
6 is balance, but not when it’s reversed. I wasn’t being very balanced or fair when I was giving out some hard truths to my sister as if I’m such much better than her. I judged her harshly, as if I’ve never been in a bad relationship or situation where I let someone walk all over me.

Angel Answers: Perfect Timing
I feel like that card means that maybe she needed to hear my rant at this time. But I also feel like I’m just giving myself an excuse to go off on her if I believe that.

I think she knows exactly the way the family looks at her for the situation she’s in. This is far from the only time she has yielded to him when my family didn’t think she should have.

She believes that she really does need to be a doormat to win this divorce. Maybe she’s right but it’s incredibly hard to watch. Maybe me telling her to grow a backbone will ruin her divorce. I don’t know.

Maybe it wasn’t perfect timing for her but it was for me. These feelings have been building for quite a while. Maybe something about that moment was the right time for me to release?
I don’t know, I don’t really like implying in anyway that what I did was right. I know it was not.

Animal Spirit: Lizard - dream the world into being
Daydream what might be. Dare to believe in your dream. Don’t give into your nightmares.

I do believe in the law of attraction and manifesting in what you want to happen.
Of course I’ve been doing it a lot for myself. Trying to FEEL myself in a new thin body. Trying to will myself to the moment in time when I wake up from surgery and am incredibly happy that I came through with no complications. I am willing it into being.

I do that for my sister some, but not as much as myself.

I can’t will in the future I want for her if she wants something else. I don’t know exactly what she wishes for because she doesn’t believe the way I do and I don’t think she has much time to think about her future in a positive way. She’s always worrying about what’s coming up.

I’ll try and more activity will into being Her happiness and Emma’s happiness. It’s not hard to imagine us all happy.

I don’t have to specifically think about a house or a car or details the way I would like them to be. Just that we are celebrating the end of the divorce and that everyone is happy with the results.

I think part of my anger is the fear of the worst case scenario for her, which partly is that she doesn’t get to live her life the way she wants to because she forever goes along with what the asshole says.

I WANT HER TO HAVE FREEDOM.

That’s what I want more than anything.

For her to have freedom to just BE the mom or person she wants to be in whatever environment she wants to be in.

Hell, if she said she wanted to move to California with Emma because that’s where she could be free and happy then I would want that for her! I want her to feel free and in control of her life.

On one hand I feel like she does want that too but on the other hand I worry that she doesn’t. That she wants him to direct her life and she wants to complain about him directing her life forever.

Sometimes I feel that she wants no responsibility and that’s why she lets him do all this shit.

For example, she does not want Emma to go to a face to face school. She has told me this. And I feel like if the asshole said, I want her in a face to face school, no remote learning at all, she’d do it!

And then she’d be happy to complain all the while about how this is not what she wanted but she had to do it because he’s the dad. Things like that.

I am worried she wants to be controlled and leave all the decision making to him because it’s easier to complain than to confront him.

I’m literally sick to my stomach when I think of the fact that that may be the person she is right now.

But I should take my own advice and stop worrying about what I can’t control and focus on manifesting freedom and happiness for her future.

The only other thing I’m thinking about is the fact that I told her not to talk to me about him anymore.

She has no one to talk to but when I hear of what she lets go on I get enraged.

I don’t want to go off on her again. But I also don’t want her to have to sit with all her feelings by herself because she can’t talk to our mom and her friends can’t really relate.

I want to be able to just shrug off what she says and fake sympathy for her but I knew from the get go it was going to be hard for me and when she told me that story this morning about Instagram I fucking flipped without a second to think or remind myself that I should try to be on her side and sympathetic.

No I laid right into call her weak and telling her husband should dress her from now on.

I felt what Will felt - for just a moment.

I think that’s what it was. My mom does it too. Goes the fuck off without thinking, which is why I don’t tell her anything about my life and why my sister is leaning that way too.

That light switch, can’t stop, rage moment. And even while it was going on, my mind was saying NO! NO!! NO!!! Cause I KNEW I was doing the wrong thing but I HAD to say it, I HAD to.

And you might be like No, no one HAS to insult someone else, but I was so angry, it came on so fast and it was out before I could stop myself and now I regret it. I am partially happy I got it all out but regret that I said it in a way that hurt her.

I don’t want to be that person.
I imagine Will lives with a lot of regret. He’s done this his whole life to his family and his friends.

I also felt kind of “above” Will mentally, spiritually, whatever you wanna call it because I could control myself to not say things I knew I would regret.

There’s LOTS of different times in my entire life that I could have lashed out at people. The thoughts were there, in my mind - on my tongue and I didn’t because I knew they wouldn’t be forgotten.

My sister will never forget that I called her weak and a victim.

And my sister has said things to me that I haven’t forgotten. She doesn’t have the control I do but she’s much more controlled than Will.

I know I’m gonna apologize. I have to. I just don’t know how to go forward after that. Cause she’s gonna keep doing things that anger me in her relationship. I don’t know how to be ok when I feel like she’s fucking up her life.

Last updated December 20, 2020