I didn’t think I would go forward with writing this but at this point this feels like a chore to complete. I know its vital for me to write somewhere because I just end up taking out my stress physically but nothing is clicking in my head at all. This is like the fourth time I just didn’t sleep at all. I spent it all distracted on media to pass the time, telling myself that I’ll do work eventually. I get so worked up about it and I don’t even have anything due for a good amount of weeks. Sometimes I just want to move out and force myself away from anything digital, it’s a mind degrade for me. I guess the good thing is that I don’t got to worry about waking up at 1 in the afternoon.
There’s not even much connection I relate with it, but I can definitely get the headache bad enough to feel my mind rotting on absolutely nothing. Why can’t I just go to sleep at 8PM or something, it hurts so bad. Is thing another form of self pain because I wish I could stop. Smash all my devices and swear myself away from anything like that for life. I have things to do, people to love, and problems to fix. This is the only chance I get to read and write about myself and it gets harder and harder to get into. My mind is pleading for shut eye and I’m jumping back to the same things that made me happy in the past all night. I don’t even understand how at some point I was able to wake up at 5 to get to work. There’s so many easy solutions, I’m just making this issue dramatic like what I fucking do with all my problems. I’m nothing more than a mess of dramatic bullshit. I don’t even know how I’m functioning right now. I had to hide my vent art from my public media profile because my mom didn’t like it and wanted me to draw something more peaceful. I understood but damn was I really that immature to be drawing stuff like that? My head can take the worst physical and mental hits in these rare moments and still somehow function. I write run on sentences without a guide just to keep me going before I break down again. Though I hope writing this will give me a false sense of security that’ll keep me in a mood to hold off my pain for the next day or two.
I have no place to cry or get angry, I did this to myself and I must face the punishment. I will learn from it I tell myself. I’m already getting furious over the smallest things holy shit I’m gonna fuck up this day again I tell you. I laid on my bed for 5 goddamn minutes then looked for things to keep my mind to. Do I just take a nap all day and become a crooked nightowl will that fix my problems. I gotta keep something moving before I snap. My foot is bouncing like a motor, it’s eating me alive. I need to be at school again, I can’t handle this. I need a job but I can’t get a job. I need to get a car but I cant go out and test because I cant take the fucking time to do something I need to do how did I do something like this no problem in the past. Do I need to be delusional to get things done what the fuck. At this point I’m trying to find problems to work on. I have never lived a hard life and trying to seek it is just a sin in my eyes, I deserve the strongest punishment. Why do I enjoy seeing my vision go blury and my mind feeling terrible headaches. Why do I wish I was seeing worse happen to my body and vision. Why can’t someone just kick my jaw or slap me till I wake up, I have never experience true pain and I wish I lived a real life. My mind is so backwards and I’m losing the ability to cry just like in the past. I can’t hit my skull hard enough this is fair. This is no longer some dumb study this is just me pleading to myself. Like at this point I stayed up this long just for a challenge almost. Imagine not having to sleep, how powerful you could be. What the fuck am I trying to prove. I’ll get over it and sleep eventually.
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