In a weird way, all my favorite hobbies outside of skating and gardening is studying or practicing machine learning. Not just the boring “make the machine efficient at XYZ” but rather using it to emulate nature. I’ve never been so eager to learn and fully understand how biology works, the idea that anyone could recreate bacteria via simulation captivates my head with excitement and creativity. It’s nothing new, but like learning about outer-space at a young age, it just begs me wanting to create it myself. I believe digital automation is just another step in civilization like cars or factories, and as much as people ponder to use the tools of today to make more efficient systems for tomorrow, I’m left almost addicted to trying to simulate an insect.
Like all things I get into, I get needlessly deep into wondering if I’m just reinventing the wheel. What’s the point of anything at that stage? Everything you create and put your heart into was not only done years past, but way better. Do I do it for attention? I’m so glad I left social media, but it still just garbles my head. I look back to myself only a few years younger and saw my dedication and joy in creating these simulations in both games, articles, and VR. Because I was blind to the the issues regarding life and work, I lived in absolute bliss. Now I have an amazing partner/family and a whole dump-load of repressed emotions that haunt me over the smallest shit.
Ok, so now what? What if I used my new knowledge to help my interests in animation? What if I made something that could help me think and process my feelings?
The more I think about it the more it makes sense, the product might be awesome to show off, but I really had the most enjoyment while I was making it. A journal full of notes, a bunch of books from Amazon, dozens of scripts and webpages, all for a hobby! It kept me busy and motivated to work on other things. Could I just be feeding my ego?
It all kinda comes at a cycle, except I’m not able to get as much done. I’ve filled my heart with so much life and love over the past years that I no longer tend to my reality escaping desires through work. I hope one day I can use this knowledge to help others, but honestly I don’t care as long as I can support myself.
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