Hope in First entry

So, I have taken steps to better myself and prepare myself for the future. I have met with my Pastor and counselor. Both have said I am taking positive steps in dealing with this. I feel good about how I have handled it. I still have some sadness that she is still going down the path of destruction. I discovered yesterday she is off of her medication. This explains a lot. She feels this is who she truly is. She doesn’t realize the medicine balances her. She still has emotions and still functions, but she doesn’t hit extremes. I’ve tried to encourage her to seek counseling. Pick the person. Go to who ever you want. I wont speak to them unless you ever want me to. She thinks I am turning people against her. That couldn’t be further from the truth. As I build a support network for myself I tell everyone that they shouldn’t take sides. If she reaches out give her love that she needs.
I am preparing myself to take the next steps. I have to file for custody, but it’s a 6k retainer and I don’t want it on our combined credit card. She wouldn’t be responsible either way, but still, it doesn’t seem right. I’m not sure how she will respond. I’ve repeatedly told her I don’t want to do any of this. It’s a mistake. I’ve tried to keep the door open and love her through this. I am just trying to get the courage to do what is necessary. There are so many answers that I don’t have. Like what am I going to do about work if the kids can’t go to school? I know God will provide. I may not have the answer right this moment, but it will come. It still doesn’t feel real. It’s like a nightmare that doesn’t end.
The meeting with the counselor was good. I explained the situation and what I knew to this point. We ran out of time, but we are meeting on monday. I’m not sure what will come of this, but I hope to come out of it stronger and I’m better positioned mentally and spiritually to love her and reconcile or I am prepared when God opens the door to the right woman. I hold out faith that she will come around.
My meeting with the Pastor was positive. He said he was surprised I started by owning my portion of his we got to where we were at, but still recognizing her actions are her responsibility. We prayed and I felt the spirit. I know God is with me. He will lead me out of this. I stand here weak and move forward in his strength. The glory for my outcome will not be mine. It will belong to God. If you guys pray, please pray for strength and healing for me and pray that she seeks the help she needs. I don’t want anything negative to happen to her. Her pain she has created has been hers. Today I have a heavy heart, but I know I must press on.