Wishing in First entry

So. So much has happened and I’ve been just trying to deal with it. Yesterday my wife called and asked me to come home. Km sure you could have imagined what I said, of course! Then came the catch. She wanted to go out without telling me where she was was going. In my gut I didn’t like it, but I knew that I didn’t truly have a choice. I did ask her if she was going to be with another man and she said emphatically NO. Still, I didn’t have a choice. I packed everything up and came home. I was thinking as I packed everything I and I remember she had just texted me and said her Dad was just placed in ICU with Covid 19. I called her and said, if you are going to see your Dad, I understand and I support you, you don’t have to hide it from me. I dont remember what she said. But I left it there. When I got home, she was already gone. I called her and asked where she was. She had already gone. She said it doesn’t matter. I said I wanted to really pray over her before she left. She broke down and said you can pray now. I prayed for her dad, I prayed for her safety and I prayed for her heart.

This morning I sent her a Bible verse and only said I’m still praying for you. She replied and said she was at her brothers and was going to her moms to help her out. That was it. Later in the day I messaged her and said if you need more time I totally understand and will work it out. Then her sister text me later thanking me for letting her sister come out. Oh the irony…my wife then text and said she was flying back at 830 am which is 1130 my time and wouldn’t be home until 540 with the flight time and driving home. I’m going to move upstairs into our spare room to give her the space that she needs.

I feel I am at a cross roads. I dont need her to pour everything out to me, but I do feel like she needs to intentionally needs to stop being deceptive. I am now at a point that I don’t have to be connected. I said a quote that said when a women says I need space, it means she hurts and she has to heal something you can’t heal.

Also, I have grown much closer to God. This is the number one place that I was failing and truly the causation for all of this. I’ve done anlot of soul searching and a lot of praying. At this point I realize i can’t control it. Showing her that I’m a better person wont work. Right now, I need her to get right with God. When i told her we needed to pray on Saturday she said she didn’t feel we could because what she was doing. I told her that’s not good. Her relationship with way more important than our relationship. It did give me insight into her struggle. Clearly it’s not as cut and dry as I thought it was.

Tonight I was on the couch and I started to feel incredibly lonely. It was time to put the kids to bed and I knew after that was going to be alone. It was the absolute worst feeling ever. I did have the anxiety I normally have, but just sadness and loneliness. I think of all the feeling a person can have, loneliness is one of the worst ones. One where you just feel like you’re really not connected to anyone. I called my friend from work that is much further along in a divorce he doesn’t want. The similarities are quite shocking. I am starting to feel this becoming more common. I think that it’s a sign the end times are coming. The Bible says kids will turn on parents parents on kids, wives on husbands and husbands on wives. I remember when I was younger I would hear stories of husbands just walking out on their families and I never understood how a man could consciously do that.

Lastly I leave you with this, please pray for my Fsther in law. He’s litterally the cornerstone of my wife’s family. He need an amazing miracle. God knows his and inkbownhe can do it. I also ask you pray for my wife’s heart. That it will break down and the Spirt of conviction fills her heart. Lastly please pray for me any my loneliness. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I dont have to have it solved right now, but I still feel so isolated.