My BFF in Free Therapy

TW, this has death in it.

So if you read my first entry here you are well aware that school was not a very pleasant experience for me. My BFF of course was not in my grade. I knew of her before, because her brother was in my grade, but we started to talk and stuff when I was in 9th grade and she was in 7th. The high school was jr and sr connected together grades 7-12.

We were both on the swim team together. At that time I was actually a very good swimming, often beating all the boys at a swim meet. Oh to see the opposing side look at me in scorn and say I was just a dumb girl, and then I would LAP them in the 500! OMG that’s making me laugh. At least I was good at something at one time in my life.

My BFF was a very good swimmer as well and we became close. There weren’t many girls on the boys team, you had to have a certain time to make the team and it was harder than the time for the girls team.

As time went by we were in show choir together, regular choir, in plays and musicals, and of course swim team, oh and we both were decent skiers as well. We got into all sorts of mischief and were thick as thieves as some people would say. Her mother was so nice, and would bake stuff and bring it to us in the living room while we played fetch with her cat Jasmine. We would ride bikes together, cruise in my convertible, just everything. We made a pact that we would both go to the same college and live together.

She was the same size as me and borrowed one of my dresses for a prom she went to. We did the whole kooky blood sister thing, hey, it was the early 90’s. I loved her so much. And don’t take that to say I was sexually attracted to her. I wasn’t. I just loved and adored her so much.

My senior year was awesome. First period I had band, 2nd was biology and my BFF and I sat together. We then went to Choir together and then I had Music Theory 2 and then lunch. Then I had acting with her and then English class. I have so many precious memories just rushing through my head right now.

It was very common for her to come to places with my family, and for me to go to places with hers. In August before I started college she asked if I could go to her lake house with her, and my Mom said no, which was weird. She always let me go. My Mom just said I am the mother and I said no.

My BFF and I had ridden our bikes over to another friends house, sisters…we chatted and did stuff with them for a while, and then we looked at the time and she said, well I need to get riding to get home my Mom wanted me back by 6. So she got on her bike, and she rode off whistling. I can picture her so clearly.

She was going to be gone a few days, so I went and did some things with some other friends. One of the craziest things that has ever happened to me happed to me that night. I was at my friend K’s house and there were like 10 of us there watching a movie and hanging out like teens do. All of the sudden I got this horrible feeling. It was like there was a shock going through my body and right then in the middle of the movie I knew something horrible was happening to someone I loved. I did not know who, but I felt the whole thing. I felt her die. I know, you think I am crazy, but I have people who still remember this, because they were with me, and when I met up with K a few years back she even mentioned it and how much it freaked her out. Anyway I was crying and being freaky and then I felt her hug me. She gave me a hug goodbye on her way out. My dear sweet BFF…but I didn’t know who it was. (I will say, I knew when my older neighbor who I loved died, and when something happened to other people I was close to. My Mom said she had the same thing happen to her before she had any chemo.)

So anyway, that happened but we didn’t hear any sirens or hear any news right then. I went home and went to bed and was a little discombobulated.

That morning my parents both came into my room before I was awake. They both looked very pained and I was groggy from waking up. My Mom sat down on my bed and said, honey, we have something we have to tell you, because we don’t want you to turn on the radio and hear it from there first.

And then they proceeded to tell me that my bff was in a freak accident and she had passed away. She had jumped off of the deck into the lake right when a rodent chewed through a wire that helped the boat come up into the boat ramp. The water was charged and she was frozen and unable to move so she drowned.

As I am typing this and bawling my eyes out I realize my parents really should have had me see a counselor. I am feeling this so deep in my heart and it was so long ago…

I listened to the radio say she was dead, I read it in the paper, I heard it from other people but I wanted it to be a lie.

When it was time to go to her viewing I drove to K’s house and then a whole group of us walked down Main Street to the funeral home. I had cried for hours and hours by that point…None of us really said much of anything. And then we got to the funeral home, and we went up those steps. The HS counselor was there and said he would talk to anyone who needed to. The funeral directer pointed to a room to the right on the left hand side. Outside the room was a board with a ton of pictures of her. Her Aunt was there and she hugged us all and said we could go in and see her.

I let the other kids go up first and it was pretty quiet and somber with the only noise being crying. Her brother was in another room and most of them went out to talk to him and give condolences. And I went and I looked into the blue casket (blue was her favorite color) and there was my BFF. She was so pale, and still and she would not have approved with how they did her hair, it just wasn’t quite right. She was wearing a blue and white dress I had seen on her many times before.Oh my dear dear BFF, I just love you so much…so much. And I am not the kind of person who says that. I never ever said to her that I loved her. I am sure she loved me too.

I don’t know how long I was there for. I hugged her mom and cried with her for quite some time. And she told me she wanted me to be in the funeral since I was her best friend. I went back into the room and said a last goodby to my BFF, and then walked back to K’s house, just with K, everyone else had left by then.

When I went home I told my Mom that I was going to be in the funeral. My BFF was Irish Catholic and my Mom had a thing about catholic churches and never setting foot in one(This might end up being another therapy issue, My Mom and her weird controlling ways…) but I cried and said I had to go, she’s my best friend. So she gave in and told me I was not allowed to bow down to a priest.

Word got to me that I had to go and talk to the priest, so I went to the church and rang the bell they told me to and he came out and invited me in. He sat down with me and said, I have known BFF since she was born. I baptized her, I watched her grow up. He was very kind, and he said that he knows it hurts so much right now, because even though this was the first time he had met me, he had heard about me through her…and that she is not suffering right now, that he believes she is in a much better place and that we will see her again some day. He told me what I was supposed to do and he made sure I understood.

The day of her funeral I rode in the car with my parents. They sat in the back of the church and I sat in the front with her family. I saw all these people crying, like the English teacher, and I don’t know why I found that weird. Of course they are going to cry. But it was just so weird. Some stuff was done, and then they brought her in her casket down he middle aisle. Her brother was sobbing over the casket. Like just fallen apart. I am happy to report I did the thing I was supposed to do without falling, breaking anything, or doing anything sacrilegious.

I did not go to the graveside service, but I did go to her grave that night. I sat there and talked to her. I just couldn’t get over that just a few days ago she was still here, here in this world. How could she leave me like this? Why? WHY WHY WHY? I visited her regularly. When I came home for the weekend I would always go and see her. The last time I was there I took Eliana. She was only 2 so she had no clue, and I wished so much that my BFF and I were meeting together with both of our kids, instead of her being in the ground.

Oh my sweet darling BFF, I would like to think that we would still be close to this day if you hadn’t been taken from me so soon. I still love you oh so much.

(This took 2 hours to write because I cried so much.)

Last updated July 05, 2020