Crowded Solitude in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

I was in Lowe’s the other day after work to pick up a few things, a stiff bristle brush to clean up the underside of the mower, some new leather gardening gloves, and some masking tape to protect the car’s paint while I used a headlight restore kit. I was in the paint department looking for the tape, and there was this girl by the paint counter, looking at samples. She was stunning. Olive complexion, dark blonde hair, overalls, red shirt, lean build, and the most captivating green eyes. I passed her twice, trying to be not so obvious, but what I really wanted to do was just stop, and tell her “you have the most absolutely fantastic eyes”, then casually stroll off. If I had, and she had made some shock value joke, I’d have just been putty in her hands. I have no idea who she is, I’ve never seen her before, and it’s not likely I’ll ever see her again, which is much to my misfortune.

I’ve made another comment about my misfortune to MC and her lack of… Yeah anyway. But I cracked off with something like “the only one who would miss me is the cat”, and she tells me I’m worng and she’d miss me. I responded with “yeah” and kinda steamed off for a while. She’d miss me? Really? I’m obviously not important enough to be her first choice, or to fight to keep a friendship with, but she’d miss me. Huh. Well, after telling her I wished she’d missed me a year or so ago, I’ve not said much else. She messaged saying the heat (80°F-ish, but I’m from 100-110°F-ish heat in the summer) was unbearable and she hoped I’m okay. I gave a two word reply and that’s been it. And no, it wasn’t F off. I’m not angry with her, I’m just frustrated. I can’t get any sort of read on her. But there’s also questions I’m not asking, so, eh.

But this just all has me aggravated with being single, even though I know trying to date someone here when I’m not planning to stay is simply not fair to her - whoever she might be. But it’s a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. I don’t want to be single, but I don’t want to hurt or be hurt by someone else. I guess if I found someone who wanted to move away from here it might not be too bad a thing.

I sometimes wish I’d not written off S. Yes, she could be whiny and annoying, but that wasn’t always the case. Sometimes she was great to be around. And I had a thought about the last time I saw her, sort of a “what if”. She was more insistant about me coming home with her that night than she’d ever been. I’ve been wondering if maybe she was planning something more than sleep to happen that night. Realising it now is too little too late, but it could have been a point where things between us would have improved. But no, I didn’t want to go that far out of my comfort zone. This is what happens when I’m alone too long.

They say a 20 second hug can do more for your mental state than antidepressants can, and I’ll tell ya, I could really use one, or ten, about now. My anxiety and thus stress is through the roof. I don’t feel safe here. There are protests in Seattle almost daily, and too many of those turn into riots. I’m worried it’s going to spill over into the suburb I live in, and given my neighborhood already isn’t great, and I’m not far from downtown, well, put it this way, I don’t walk to the corner store anymore. Except yesterday, first time in months I’ve not taken the car the block or so to get something. It’s part of why I’m not “getting out there” and trying to meet someone. Yes, I have the capability of remedying my woes and the knowledge of how, but not enough urge to follow through. That and the stress and anxiety of everything is playing up my depression, so I can barely get done what needs getting done, much less getting out of my house to find a date. The last date was that girl I met through work, and yeah, that just went so swimmingly well. Another internal conflict to contend with. I would love it if a girl in my neighborhood took the initiative to catch me out front getting the mail, or in the alley putting the van away after work, to start a conversation, and get the ball rolling. I know the kind of girls I find attractive - which is a short list - live in a short walk of me. But that’s just a daydream.

I miss my friends. I miss E and her kids, I miss MH and her boys and niece and nephew and parents, I miss K and all her insanity, and I miss D with his common sense and business sense, and BS with his cool eclectic personality. I miss Nana, and AW. They’re all 2,500 miles away, and they all want me to come home. And I want to go home. Being alone isn’t good for me. It never has been. The only way it’s going to change is if I do something about it.