Distance in First entry

So, I am here at my shutdown trying to give her space trying to work things out in my head. Playing every detail over in my head. I’m starting to be able to calm down slightly. I’m surrendering into the situation. I realize I’m powerless. I’ve pulled contact back to 2-3 times a day. With that I try to not put pressure on her with this situation. I’m noticing what I perceive as a few changes. She seems to be direct, trying to keep her guard up and be cautious. I went running yesterday. 3 miles, in hope of burning energy so I can sleep. I tried to call her before I started jogging. I wanted someone to know incase something happened. When I left I felt much better, though I didn’t feel different about the situation. I got back showered and when to get a haircut. She had texted to make sure I made it back ok. I was in the shower and then getting a haircut. I called tonlet her know inwas oo. She answered. We talked about our days and chatted for a little while. It was nice. Towards the end I said ok I’ll let you go unless you have something else you want to tall about, I love you. She paused, started to speak and said not today, maybe tomorrow, I love you too. I felt excited and scared all at the same time. My hope is the distance has allowed her to figure out that we have potential. Process the reality of the situation and how this whole thing plays how with the different scenarios. I still feel like I’m having the waves of doom flooding me at different times. It’s like my heart rate shoots up, I cant breathe. I feel like I’m trapped in my own personal hell. I’ve turned to prayer which I was doing this before, but a side effect of having a lot of time is you have a lot of time to pray or drive yourself crazy. I can’t handle crazy anymore. Though in sure I still have some ahead of me. I still hold hope that she will step back and realize we can do this.

I felt today I had to tell my bosses. It only seemed fair and the responsible thing to do. The reality is that I’m overseeing a 2 million dollar project with limited experience that ends very quickly. I’ve been over my head from the start. They both were incredibly supportive. When I told my big boss he actually caught me off guard. He throughout 5 or 6 different scenarios that he would be open to to help things. I could work behind the scenes on this project, I could work from home 2-3 times a week. If I needed to go home now he was completely supportive. I could move to a different position within the company. It was pretty amazing to tell the truth. Both bosses reiterated they would rather accommodate this situation than have me leave. Which is nice because o put so much pressure on myself to do well. All the hard work and sacrifice has finally paid dividends. My goal was to earn my spot. That is typically established within the first year or two. You are being assessed and the determination for your potential is made. The question is the cost too high? If we can come out of this whole, then I don’t think so. If I lose my family, it feels like it’s a waste. I wish I could find a work structure that could improve this situation.