Fear in First entry

Tonight is night 2 of my struggle. After so much progress and things were going so well, we have a test. She’s out of town for work and my.mind wont freaking stop. What about Covid, the other men, what is she starts drinking and makes a stupid decision, what if she realizes being alone isn’t so bad, what if she has been faking. I realize I can’t control.any of that, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. It doesn’t get better. When she gets back I have to go out of town for 2 weeks for my job. I bow my fears are irrational, but they still exist. Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, part of me thinks if she was to just go or cheat again, it would simplify things. I dont want it, but I have delt with a lot over these years. I truly love her and I believe we make eachother better. Right now, I’m purely verbalizing my insecurities. These are the deepest thoughts I would never tell anyone. I’ve delt with 2 affairs many years of abuse. The fact is both times she has tried to leave she has said that I deserve someone better. Maybe that’s projection, but it’s not necessarily completely false. Now that things have somewhat regained normalcy l am reflecting on the situation and the last 15 years. I have owned my part and she has owned hers very broadly, but acknowledged she had contributed to things. She has her moments of remorse. They are sporadic, but I see them. I dont want to give it up. The kids, the house, the convenience......I feel like I’m so broken, if I were to date or try to find someone else, I would be so broken as a person that I couldn’t have a normal relationship again. Is that weird?

With all of that said, I could totally see the both of us talking and having a happy relationship. Smiling, great sex, supporting eachoth. It’s a dream I float often. I’m not sure exactly how we get there, but it’s what I want. I feel like she is always trailing me emotionally and logically by about 2-4 weeks.

How do I trust again? How do I trust she isn’t up to some nefarious activity? I mean she had started a home search, started the process of looking for a house. Meaning she applied for a home loan and been preapproved. Like WTF!!! The more I think, the more angry I get. The more I realize the hidden feelings of betrayal I am holding. I must process them. Not sure how, but this is at least processing them.