On My Phone in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020
- June 11, 2020, 3:54 a.m.
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- Public
I am writing this on my phone and I hate doing that but… damn, do I need to write. I mean… I honestly know what all of you are going to say. Honestly. While I would love notes… I’m pretty sure I know exactly what many would say.
I’m not doing okay. And the suck of it is: it boils down to a dissonance between my logical mind and my emotional mind.
Item 1: This week, I was supposed to be in Okoboji. I was, to be honest, a little worried about it. Okoboji has been a Family Retreat Area since I was 5. My father took us there every year. Our National Family Reunions are held there every 10 years. Iowa Prosecutors go there every year for our annual training. So… it is a place that has a LOT of meaning for me. And I was worried that going there this year would just… make me sad. Remind me how this year I would be on Okoboji with no family… not even a wife. I’d be there alone. That worried me. So I had a plan where whenever I felt lonely in Okoboji, I’d explore the parts of the town that I couldn’t explore with family. Bars, clubs, random spots that I could just go to. Instead? No Okoboji. Just… more training, work from home, daily grind, sink into misery bullshit.
Item 2: I discovered that Nancy is still seeing her boyfriend. In fact, his two kids love her. Yeah. Known him for a blink of an eye and is already hanging with him and his kids. Doing Family Dinner and Weekend Hangouts. And yeah… I get it. Perfect situation for her. The whole “happy family” existence without doing any of the work. And yeah… I get it. Nancy’s choices don’t reflect on me personally. But… fuck it hurts! I mean… for over a decade nothing I did was good enough for her. Nothing I could do as a husband seemed to matter to her! And yet… in a few short weeks, she’s already found someone else? And had sex with him?! I mean… seriously… while my logical mind says “her damage does not reflect on you”. But my emotional mind screams* bullshit! How can you be with someone, know someone for so long and treat them like that… only to replace him and treat your new man better WEEKS later?! I know you’ll all say “don’t worry about it” or “it isn’t about you” but… can you at least understand how all of this makes me feel absolutely valueless? How the woman who knows me best, was able to treat me as completely without value, and then replaced me like one would replace a lightbulb… that… god… that hurts so much.
And here’s the bitch of it all… there isn’t a single person who can make me feel better. Honestly. Parents, sibling, even Victoria. Because at the end of the day? All of them have a spouse to go home to. That is one of the reasons polyamory pisses me off right now. Because I don’t want to be a fuck buddy to someone. I don’t want to be the side relationship for someone. I want to fucking matter. I want someone to love me. Why couldn’t my wife love me?! What’s wrong with me?!?!
Wrennie ⋅ June 11, 2020
I'm really sorry.
& I keep thinking about how in a very short time from now, she'll be doing the same things to him as she did to you, & now there are kids involved. Didn't think I could like her much less but...
DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ June 11, 2020
You have every right to feel the way you do and it's normal! I remember writing almost the exact same thing in my journal why am I so unlovable? Why can't he just love me? Why wasnt I good enough for him??
Nancy is in the early stage of her "relationship". It appears....picture perfect. The same with my ex. He was off having the time of his life while I picked up the aftermath of ours together, licking my wounds, wondering if I'd be alone the rest of my life since I obviously wasnt good enough to be someone's partner.
In reality - and I feel this may also be true of Nancy-- he was still the same toxic person who took everything and never gave. Eventually after the "honeymoon period" of the new relationship, the became apparent to his partners who then started down the same path I took, which was trying to "fix" a problem they didnt even realize has always been an issue for him in relationships. They tried to be the heros who would save him and then him around. In the end, their relationships all met the same fate as ours did. Right now, Nancy is in a "job interview". She is trying to show her worth as a partner. But she won't be able to sustain it. You know this. And this guy will eventually see it. It may take a few months, it may take a couple of years. But she will revert back to her default mode, which is take and give almost nothing substantial back.
In the meantime, I healed properly despite the feelings I had that were very similar to what you feel now. I worked through my grief, my failure, my anger, my sadness. It took a bit of time. The first 2 years were hell. Even 5 years later, I had pangs of sadness even tho I was with a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. The sadness wasn't a longing to go back, at that point., but more of a sadness that I failed at my marriage and family and wasn't enough.
My life with him seems like a whole other life that I would ever go back to. You'll get there eventually. It takes time and the current issues in our world is only making that healing much harder to navigate.
Hang in there.
Pretend Mulling ⋅ June 11, 2020
You have every right to be mad. And I think kentuckygirl has a good point: For what it's worth, Nancy hasn't changed. Give it some time, and she'll go back to being on relationship autopilot.
Always Laughing ⋅ June 18, 2020
Be angry, be hurt because what she has done is worthy of those emotions. Her new guy is prb not that great of a guy because his choice to introduce his kids to someone he was gonna end things with is not cool. I know that doesn't help you, but quality is better than settling and you want quality in your life.