Marriage in Journal
- June 12, 2020, 7:53 a.m.
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- Public
I feel like I’ve fallen down a deep dark hole, but perhaps not as bad as it could be. That’s how I always feel, though. In he depths of depression, I deny my own pain and focus on self erasure.
I’m indebted to a friend for pointing that out. Self erasure.
I am anxious and scared and focusing on the negative. Yesterday I was full of hope and optimism and looking forward to talking things out to a solution. When no such solution happened, I crashed. I ran away. Actually, he ran away. And that made me mad.
Angry, in fact.
I was too angry to do anything except walk away from his dismissal. He called out and I kept on walking.
There’s no excuse for dismissal of someone trying to share their thoughts and feelings. Especially when you’re married.
He didn’t apologize, either. Which I realize now. I didn’t even think about that until now. Sheesh. It hurts now to realize that. Another thing to confront him about when he wakes up.
I guess it’s really no wonder why I feel depressed today.
I’ve got this terrible horrible useless draining habit of overthinking. It’s so difficult to stay in the moment, partly due to the Freeze/ Self Erasure response. It’s almost impossible to stay centered. I say impossible because while before it was totally unconscious, at least now I know what is happening in retrospect. Hopefully at some point I might know when it’s happening in the moment.
I’m an adult now. Getting my psyche to understand and adapt to that is the difficult part. It’s so much work. But I forge ahead.
A Pedestrian Wandering ⋅ June 12, 2020
It is so much work, not just adulting, but marriage. Especially marriage. If you don't feel hopeful about it, the world stops moving and even if the sun is shining, it's not shining on or for you. Hope you can hang in there until things things turn right side up again.