Processesing in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

So… I HATE that I have to say this before I write… but… I’m processing some painful shit that has deeply impacted me to my core. If this entry inspires you to jump to your critical, “god you suck”, “isn’t it fun to be a troll” type of mindset… don’t write a note. Because instead of peacefully ignoring it or deleting it or reporting it… I may be inspired to turn my anger and pain onto you. I don’t want to do that. I just want this to be a place where I go and process how painful some shit has been. Or as it was once said: DO NOT DELIGHT IN ANOTHER’S PAIN; LEST YOU BE MET WITH SOMEONE WHO DELIGHTS IN YOURS.

I have been feeling a heavy weight, a sadness, gripping tightly around my heart. And I have no one with whom I can discuss this. So, I feel I must share this here despite that this will retread some information that is known to those who read me.

I was raised in a firm Christian Conservative manner. Purity Culture was a requirement and contracts to remain pure were simply a part of every day life. As a part of purity culture, though, I was told of the importance and miraculous nature of marriage. Finding someone to love, someone who loves you in return, and agreeing that your marriage and your love is stronger, more important, more sacred than anything either one of you individually could accomplish. So… no sexy times for me until you’re with the woman you are absolutely going to marry!

I met that woman was I was 21 and she was 25. She was beautiful, interesting, and had many shared interests. We could talk all night, or sit in each other’s arms watching television. We would explore the city, her taking pictures and me enjoying her company. Sometimes she would surprise me on campus by rollerblading to the Student Union with lunch. It was… perfect. It was everything I had ever wanted. And I knew I wanted to marry this woman. We began a physical relationship that did, occasionally, involve sex. Truth told… she was my first and I was her 16th; but that only bothered me in the sense of psychological concern. IE: I felt sex was important to share with someone you cared deeply about, she felt sex was something to do with someone you were dating. So whereas I felt my having sex with her was a strong sign of my feelings for her, I could not assume that her having sex with me meant the same.

But then we got married. SURELY that eliminates all doubt and acts as proof to each other and to the world that Husband loves Wife and Wife loves Husband and the two wish to put their marriage as a priority in their lives. Except… it wasn’t like that. For the next three years it was… actually considerably unpleasant. The wife became an angry, hostile woman who would demand the husband spend his time serving her despite his own commitments and schedule. Gone were the shared interests, gone were the walks together, gone were the late night talks. Unless you count the late night yelling where the wife would discuss at length the only topic she cared to discuss: how much she hated her job and her life. Of the only topic the husband wanted answers to: what he could do to fix the marriage and maybe bring their sex life back. Because, you see, in the three years after being married… the wife refused to have sex with the husband. And as any other sexual expression had not been a part of their relationship… the physical bonds disintegrated. And yet the husband was adamant. This was his wife. So while he would continue to pursue a career, and one that he hoped would allow his wife to do anything in the world that she wanted, he would also commit his energy to making sure the marriage worked.

But nothing he did could fix it. Ever. Taking different jobs. Moving to different cities. Making EVERY resource available to his wife resulted in further conflict, further distance. There was no healing, there was no reconciliation, the relationship began to erode from “Sexless Marriage” to “Distant Roommates.” Ultimately, the husband demanded that the couple seek Marriage Counseling to save the marriage. After all, the marriage is more important than either individual. After a year of couple’s counseling in an environment where anything the wife wanted to do, she was able to… nothing had changed. In truth, the wife became even more distant. Even less an active part of the marriage. It was as though, ultimately, she had given up on the marriage at some point long ago and the only one trying to keep it alive was the husband.

So I accepted defeat. There was nothing I could do. There was nothing that could be done. We had the conversation about legal separation. We filed the paperwork. We discussed how this was not something done lightly. But that my wife needed to figure out what she wanted in her life. Sitting still, doing nothing, not pursuing a career or hobbies or interests or life was… no way to live. Especially at the cost of her marriage. Completely shutting down on oneself and on the people you care for… is a sign that something needs to be taken care of. And if, after all of my resources and assistance and encouragement she had actually gone backwards in making anything of herself… she needed to figure it out on her own. Find what brings you life.

She moved out in March. Had new boyfriends quickly. This… angered me. 15 years of me and my family’s emotional support, resource support, financial support… fifteen years of giving her access to whatever might have been helpful to her, only for her to never take any steps forward in her life. And as soon as I say, “Maybe work on yourself by yourself” she’s already hooking up with other guys.

She and I spoke recently about my anger. That if I had to summarize the anger as much as possible, it would be the simple phrase Get your shit together! Because this separation could go one of two ways… we resolve and return, or we get divorced. And if her life decisions were to continue to act like a 14 year old girl, moving from guy to guy and never growing as a person or doing anything for herself… than not only would our marriage never heal, but she would continue to be miserable. She would invariably find herself in the same relationship she had with me… where she was miserable all of the time and did nothing… but the chances of having that relationship with someone who would not show her the kindness or patience that I did are extremely high. How many men would wait half a decade for their wife to decide to have sex with them again? How many men would take no exception to a wife that sat around at home all day without a job while also not taking care of the house? Ultimately… less for our marriage and more just so that this woman that was a large part of my life for 15 years wasn’t in a hell of her own making… GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

Apparently, she had communicated this conversation to her boyfriend. Who decided that it was clear and convincing evidence that I was still in love with her; so he broke up with her.

She came over to the house the next day because she was too distraught to be alone. She came to her Separated Husband’s house because she was so emotionally impacted by being left by a man she’d known for less than two months. I showed patience and kindness. I encouraged her that it meant that the people that cared about her genuinely want her to get her shit together and then… like an idiot… like an ass… I did what all trial lawyers know not to do. Never ask the last question. Always stop one question sooner than you want to because the last question you ask is about personal curiosity and almost always hurts. And I fucked up and asked the last question: Did you have sex with him? The answer, not surprisingly, was yes. So there you have it! Sex with her patient, understanding, kind, generous, hard working husband was at best a chore for her after we got married. I would say, honestly, that between “I do” and “We should separate” we had sex less than 30 times in ten years. And yet two months of “Something is wrong in our marriage and try to work through it as we might, it isn’t working. Let’s take some time.” TWO MONTHS of that and she’s already having sex with someone else.

But here’s where it gets really shitty. Every psychologist, psychiatrist, behavior expert, marriage counselor, and yogi have and will say the same thing, “This behavior is not about you, but her. The fact that she shut down after you wed is an issue she needed to deal with and never did. The fact that she decided to cut off emotionally and sexually after the wedding is an issue she needed to deal with and never did. The fact that she decided to further and further withdraw from life and the relationship in general is an issue she needed to deal with and never did. The fact that she ran directly into other men and had sex with them is her choice and her issue and does not reflect upon you at all.”

Fine. Let’s pretend I even believe all of that. Do you know what that actually translates to? “Sir, your entire marriage, your entire sex life, and the last 15 years of your own life have had nothing to do with you. They were all about a woman who decided to not care, not participate; and then make these choices after you separated.” In short: YOUR ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL LIFE HAS NOT BEEN ABOUT YOU. Grrrrrrrrrrreat. Not making me feel better. Honestly makes me feel worse that someone can marry me, stop caring, stop wanting to be sexually intimate with me, and then after I leave the picture… she is throwing herself at someone else and having sex with him. You’re saying “it’s not my fault” and that I shouldn’t take that “personally” but do you know what? FUCK THAT. 15 years of a relationship? 10 years of a marriage? 10 years of being emotionally and sexually rejected? Only for that same woman to hop into bed with some stranger after less than 2 months? And I’m NOT supposed to take that personally? I’m not supposed to let that cast everything about myself as a man, a husband, a sexual partner into stark question? How about we just come together and admit the reality of the situation? Even if all of her choices were selfish, self-centered, and didn’t contemplate me in the least… what you’re saying is that I should try not to be deeply impacted by the only woman I’ve had sex with, the only woman I’ve married… rejecting me for years to throw in with a stranger within 2 months. NOPE. I’m not that strong a guy. And I know it is a big turn off for women but, fuck… let’s play in this pool of reality! My self-esteem, my self-confidence… is shot. Is dead. Is on a ventilator in the ICU. My ability to think that I might offer a woman anything in the bedroom? WAY more than dead. THAT takes on paranormal levels of dead… killed, resurrected as a zombie, killed again, called from the spirit world as a demon, vanquished, summoned as a ghost, and is now sitting in the Ghostbusters containment unit. THAT dead.

So that’s where I am right now. Drowning in a sea of hurt, anger, and unhappiness. Because “whatever you want in life, provided you work on this marriage and interact” was an unacceptable offer; but “fuck this dude because he’s here and not your husband” was a prized deal.