Naked. Uncomfortably Stark Naked in Musings

I feel like this quarantine for me, personally, is a very super self-reflective period. Yeah, Liam is around and we have our mutual dog… and I exist with him in the confines of our home, but truly it’s really brought out the true insanity out of both of us.
All my little quirks and rituals that he just circumvented because he was too busy to even mention, he’s very sweetly curtailed them. Stupid things he absolutely hates, HATES, that I take a shower and slap on lotion and hair product to go to bed and then I just wake up and do the same thing. He’s so handsome with his glasses and tells me kindly, but also roughly “hey babe, you look beautiful either way, you’re gonna wake up and take a shower and do this all again? It just seems silly, and if your doing it for me, then just know I’m not worried about it. I mean I love you but you’re gonna make the sheets weirdly dirty” And I looked at him like…”damn your right” but also like “damn let me live!” But at the end of the day, he’s right… and it’s kind of silly, ritualistic and I really do, do it for him and it’s intrinsic… if I didn’t have to lay down next to a hot dude every night, I’d most likely skip the lotioning and the hair products and most likely I’d also skip the night shower, to be honest.

But the juicy details of my quirky, strange existence… are as follows:

I know when Liam wants sex… it’s like clockwork… he wakes me up before walking Warby, gives me a peck on the lips and then a peck on the forehead, the cheeks or the tip of my nose.

That morning he gave me the ritual… and I was totally down… he leaves to walk the puppy… and I just spring out of bed and get dressed; my favorite jeans, my favorite white t-shirt—I know that Liam likes to see my feet and he likes to see me barefoot in jeans…

Liam comes home and I guess that’s my quarantine signal to him… I’m barefoot in jeans, and a t-shirt. He takes of the leash off of our puppy, throws his keys onto the counter… and then looks over at me… “you’re not coming out for a run with me babe?” And if he were a cartoon character he’d be the swaggy wolf, with eyes bursting and his tongue rolling down from his mouth. I looked over at him and said “no babe, I’m just gonna make us breakfast, go for a run, I’ll have food for you when you come home” I know I wear my emotions on a sleeve and as much as I want to play it off as cool, he knew what I was doing, and I knew what I was doing.
“Yeah” he nodded his head licking his lips, smiling “okay, alright” he picked up his keys “well I’ll see you like this when I get back home or?” And I looked back at him and he twirled the keys on his finger…” think about it.. I gotta go run…” and the door slammed.

I was just like… what the fuck does he mean think about it? Does he want to see more ankle on me in my jeans? Does he want me to go to the bedroom and completely transform into my woman costume? Like it’s all new to me… I don’t know the nuances of Liam the bisexual guy, Liam the guy who likes Crossdressing…

So I FaceTimed him as I’m making blueberry pancakes and he’s jogging down to the west side highway.

And he’s bouncing up and down jogging and I know I’m bad at communicating—but I blurted out and asked him straight on “what do you mean OR?” He looked at me through the camera lens.. and I felt like my butthole had dropped, my balls became a leaky faucet “I can’t stop loving you kid!!” He said as he smiled “I said Or, because I said Or…” he said as he giggled. ” if you’re in those sexy jeans, all barefoot with that white t-shirt giving me my breakfast just get prepared to get the lights fucked out of you… OR if you have on those heels, and that pretty little lingerie papi bought for you prepare to get the lights fucked out of you too” he laughed as he jogged.

And I was like “Liam! What the fuck do you want me to do?!”
And he responded really, super deviously… “I know what you want, your turn to know what I want…” and he just laughed mischievously, slid the phone in his pocket and right before he hung up, he said “I’ll be home in like 30-45 mins. I want a snack for Warby. I want my pancakes. I want my Andy. Figure it out” and he hung up.

I stood there dumbfounded… flipping pancakes… like holy shit this motherfucker… this sexy ass motherfucking piece of shit asshole butt muncher dick licker!!!!

So I finished the pancakes in 5 minutes… and I’ve never put on makeup as fast as I did, with eyelashes, contour etc… ripped off my boy clothing and threw on this weird fishnet thing, and a thong that doesn’t cover my halls or dick, slipped onto that wig and threw on the heels, and as I heard the keys jingle on the door, I threw on one of my long hooded duster… and put his pancakes in a dish and he opened the door… watching me fumbling in fucking stilettos, nervous, weirded out, going in through my head like ‘is this the way that Liam is gonna love me? Because this isn’t me’ he glanced over at me, Warby runs toward him and he gives him a treat… and I mean no matter how absolutely awkward it is for me, he walked over to me and kissed my neck and slid his hand underneath the black duster and pressed me into him and said “you’re fucking beautiful, you know that?” And I felt like I melted in his arms… and he just held me, rocked me back and forth, and it’s weird to be a girl… the way he treats me compared to me being a boy… it’s fucking weird!! I don’t know exactly if it’s arousing, or if it’s concerning. As the microwave counted down he ripped his shirt off in a weird way that he has never done with me presenting as a boy, and he walked around the kitchen counter sat down at the bar stool and it felt like he expected to be served… which isn’t the way he treats me as a boy… he would either serve himself, or if I serve him he’s eager to wait for me to either eat next to him or sit next to him. And he literally started eating, before I even had a chance to eat or sit by him…

I mean I don’t know what womanhood is, and I don’t want to diminish womanity, but it reminded me a lot of the way that me and my brother would just wait to be served and fuck it if my sister or mother were eating…we ate when we were served, we didn’t care about chivalrous etiquette…

I sat next to Liam as he ate and I drank some shake that I had made the day before… and we interacted and he was very kind of barbaric? I wanna say…
“Babe how was your jog?” I asked.
“Good” he said as he was inhaling the pancakes.
“Okay…” I said confused drinking my shake.
“You’re so pretty, princess” he said as he kept munching down on his pancakes like the fucking Cookie Monster.

I felt like I was waiting on him hand and foot… which, I do, do in boy form—but it was like a very different type of Liam that I was interacting with… Liam always wants me to sit down, or “I can get my own water babe, you cooked for me” and I’m not going to lie and say that I was so “ew, where’s my gay man?” I was kind of pleasantly turned on by it.

I cleared the table and he pulled off his shoes, his socks, his jogging pants, he was left in his boxers … and I’m cleaning the dishes and he creeps behind me and kisses my neck…his breath smells like syrup and he says “take this shit off beautiful” he slipped off my duster, threw it over the counter and I was left there exposed in this full lace body suit and a thong that didn’t cover my balls or dick, in stiletto heels, behind a 6 foot 2 tall man trying to wash his dishes…

And my mind was grinding, I’m confused. I’m concerned that this is the way he wants our life to be and I’m not this way. It feels erotic to be treated differently because of how I project myself, but it’s not my real self.

I guess this all transferred to Liam and he turned me around, picked me up and sat me on the counter… and he said “I’ll love you as a woman, I’ll love you as a man, I’ll love you as a plant, I’ll love you as a cloud, I’ll love you in whatever way you come, you hear me?” He said kissing me, pushing my hair off of my face… “I just love feeling you, seeing you so delicate” as he slipped the strap down my shoulder “I love knowing that you need me” as he dropped down his boxers and intertwined his hands into mine. “I know you’re a man Andy, and I know you know I’m a man and I’m your man” he unlocked his hand and brushed my wig hair behind my back and he let my other strap come down. He wrapped my legs around him and carried me to the bedroom…layed me down gently on the bed As he wrapped my legs around him and whispered “you’re my princess” he said as he penetrated me. He orgasmed in literally 90 seconds. Haha! Oh my God I adore this guy. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

And as he laid in his post-orgasm euphoria, he made me realize what it is that he seeks true, real, actual fulfillment from in our relationship…

It’s not sexual… he feels fulfillment by being a protector and a provider. He’s been waiting to come to the rescue and he’s been patient and with every turn I’ve let him down. All of this time I’ve been so concerned with being emasculated, and here is Liam—who allows me to emasculate him.
And I mean I know he enjoys me crossdressing for him, but it’s not because he’s seeking to be with a woman, it’s that he’s seeking for the love of his life, to for one small moment in his life, be vulnerable, be helpless, want and need to be rescued, to be soft spoken to his man, to for brief a moment in time to trust Liam, to not undermine him, to praise him.
Yeah… I know it’s weird and it’s a mind fuck… because after those 90 seconds… he held me in his arms and he pulled me to the bathroom…

And the most awkward feeling was, him pulling off my shoes and throwing them behind me… running the shower, kissing me… pulling off my wig… and I was flinching… and he kissed me… pulling the straps down off of my body suit—and revealing me as a guy in makeup… and his sweet glances and his tender kisses… “be delicate and tender with me Andy” he said as he kissed the palm of my hand… and I felt strange, like he touched something in me that didn’t feel bad, but also didn’t feel good…
He swiped his thumb over my face and he asked “tell me how to take this shit off your Beautiful face, babe” and I just pointed at the vitamin E oil, and he figured out his way… as he massaged it into my skin, over my eyes and he freaked out for a second “oh fuck babe, I think your whole eyelash came off!” And I laughed and told him “no, those are just false lashes” and he gently rubbed my other eye and said “damn, you do all of this for me?” And I nodded. Once my face was immersed in oil and I looked like a flesh colored slime monster, he looked at me… and I just stood there naked, but completely and utterly naked; physically and emotionally.
He kneeled in front of me and kissed my hands… and he said something that broke me… it shattered all of my defenses and I have never felt more naked in all of nakedness…

“You’re so beautiful. I can’t even believe you’re just mine.”

And I don’t know what broke in me… I still don’t… but I’m happy that it was Liam… and that he truly makes me feel safe… I’m insane and sane in his arms, in his eyes, I’m man or woman in his eyes, I’m gentle and rough, I’m strong and I’m weak, I’m expensive and I’m cheap, I’m up and I’m down, I’m then and I’m now. I’m not just a cactus like I was told before, just beautiful to look at, but untouchable, unreachable.

I don’t know. I’m confused and all of these emotions are so new… and I want to scurry away from them, but I’d rather just allow myself to be exposed and raw and allow him to carry half of the burden I’ve carried by myself.

And I love him. He annoys me. He leaves his beard clippings in the sink. He puts on his socks after he’s dressed and he ties his shoelaces with two bunny ears, he bites his cuticles, he unconsciously scratches his balls in public, he thinks that Twilight and Harry Potter are the best and most important literature ever written, he buys multiple of the same pants, socks, undershirts, shirts like he’s a fucking Simpson, but it’s cause when he likes something he likes it and I can’t understand why I love him so much more for being such a wonderful fucking weirdo.

And I can’t imagine raising My/our family with someone else.

-Andy