i haven’t updated in a week or so. not trying to scare anyone, really. it was more of a two-fold logic behind it.
1) i attempted to go the lexapro route on sunday, after another rough day of trying to deal with symptoms on my own of the depersonalization. even with the less than stellar psychiatric meeting and my therapist seeming miffed at the psychiatrist as well, i finally got tired of feeling like i was spinning my wheels in place, to speak. i popped my first pill on sunday at 2 pm.
two hours later, i was nauseous. ten minutes later, i was vomiting. then my anxiety spiked, my leg wouldn’t stop shaking, my teeth will clenching, my heartbeat spiked over 100 while laying down, i couldn’t stop sweating, and my head felt like sparks were crackling all over it. this went on for more than eight hours. i tried to shake it off the best i could, telling myself that “it’s the process, these antidepressants always have terrible side effects, right?” and finally got a few hours of terrible sleep.
monday was more of the same, with the only differences being that i lost my entire appetite (and now that i’m -28 pounds from my peak two months ago, not being able to eat is dangerous) and i didn’t vomit, although i almost did . i sent a message to my psychiatrist with the list of side effects and a general “hey, this seems like an extreme amount of symptoms, is this normal?” the next day i got a message from her rn basically agreeing, and they halved my dose for tuesday.
oh boy. tuesday.
took my half dose, having already woke up from three hours of sleep with more nausea. two hours later, got sick again. vomited. told myself that, well, this is me for the next few days and possible weeks. this sucks, but it’ll pass, maybe.
two more hours passed. then, i felt every ounce of strength leave my body at once. i literally couldn’t speak. i couldn’t formulate a thought, a word, i couldn’t type, anything. my girlfriend came in to check on me a few times, and literally all i could do was flail my arms and hands at her, eyes half open. i thought, “shit, i guess this is it, huh.”
i actually thought i was going to die from this shit.
luckily, Elizabeth forced me to drink water, then soup, and although the rest of the night was still just as rough as the previous two, i managed to get through.
i haven’t touched a dose of that fucking shit since. i know antidepressants/lexapro can help people, but medications in general just do not seem to sit well with me at all. between the ativan memory loss and now this…i’m going to deal with being depersonalized with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), mediation, and time. fuck anymore pills.
2) it got depressing, only posting updates about how i’m suffering/depressed/depersonalized/yadda yadda. and i think by seeing these posts and the responses from people to them, it kinda made me feel guilty about the position i’m in. so many people have reached out and said wonderfully kind words, given advice, the like. and i’m just…not in a great position or mindstate to respond to them. it’s weird. like, i don’t wanna sound like a broken record with people when it comes to this shit.
now, with the three days of the lexapro, i noticed something peculiar. my normal crying spells (when the depersonalization was most intense) and anxiety attacks had switched to panic attacks, usually very soon after waking up. a panic attack i had on thursday was particularly rough…but i couldn’t cry. i just had a blank look on my face and a rapid heartbeat. my emotional blunting is fading away; i teared up talking to mom yesterday, but i’m still a bit dull.
but, there’s a tiny bit of hope and good news yet. the last two days, i’ve had the morning/wakedom panic, but not quite as severe as days past. i’ve been able to drive again (just a mile or two, but still) and go for walks again. i’ve gotten back into video games a bit (got win number 25 on warzone last night, whoopie and shit) and my sleep has improved greatly, now getting 6-7 hours a night and not having as much trouble falling asleep, as during the lexapro days i kept thinking about death and the void before sleep, which really fucked up my attempts to get some shuteye.
i’m even finding tiny bits of the day, no more than a few seconds or minutes here or there, where i have a semblance of duality with my mind and body again. they are fleeting, and the comedown always makes me feel uneasy as i slip back into depersonalization, but it shows me that there may be a turning point yet. i need to reintegrate into the real world more to keep making progress. i am terrified of coronavirus and shit, but once my state dies down in terms of cases, i’ll need to go back to the bars, arcades, poker rooms, etc and get my routine back. being inside for the entirety of the last month aside from random walks i think has prolonged this mental disorder well beyond what it would’ve been if i had an event to work the next week, i think.
i don’t think i’ll have another update for a week or so. i’m going to pour into this CBT/meditation/exercise routine and continue trying to rebuild my brain. my memory is still shit, but i think that’s now more the dissociated brain than any long term damage.
there’s hope, though. and that’s good, yeah?
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