Day One in Current Events

I struggled to fall asleep a bit last night. I’ll be honest that I’m used to playing Skyrim until my eyes bleed. I haven’t given my meds much of a chance to do their duty. Whenever I try my monkey brain takes over. The last two times that I slept at Bev’s house I did not even sleep. I’m going to have to explore and master meditation. I’m turning into a hippie. My monkey brain is not thinking about anything toxic. Just existential stuff. I was feeling a little bit nervous last night. I think that every single human being would be nervous the day before starting a new job.

I woke up just before 5 without the use of my alarm. Am I finally a member of the 5am club? I’m a bit sore from working out for hours and hours over the last few days. Just trying to outrun my anxiety. Overfunctioning is one of those characteristics that I need to own. It comes with gifts. I dug out Brene Browns Rising Strong that I started last year. If I have to hear about Lake Travis one more time… I decided to read that for a bit while I drink my coffee. Trust - in ourselves and in others- is often the first casualty in a fall, and stories of shattered trust can render us speechless with hurt or send us into defensive silence. Maybe someone betrayed us or let us down, or our own judgement led us astray. I still haven’t owned my story about what happened to me with my last job. This time last year Karamjeet was driving me crazy. I was slowly watching me lose my job. I was so stressed out by her and her nefarious ways and her attempts to corrupt me and my work ethics that I actually broke out into shingles. I was also experiencing a direct retaliation from my employers after I tried to expose the Operations Manager and MeToo him. I anticipated this outcome. What actually hurts me is Karamjeet. She was not a part of that situation. I invited her to come work with me after her store burned down. My employees were telling me that they’ve overheard her telling people, in Punjabi, that she wants to get me fired and take over the store to hire her employees. I didn’t believe that a human being could betray somebody who just saved them from unemployment. I was wrong. She backstabbed me just like everybody said she would. That’s what hurt me. That’s what still hurts me. Then they fired all of my friends. By definition experiencing a pain more than once is suffering. Do you know what has me the most nervous about this new job? It’s in the area that Karamjeet lives and it is highly likely that I will run into her. I’m terrified that she will try and get me fired again just for fun. I wasn’t even offered a reference when they all let me go. After thirteen years of service. They all felt personally attacked and victimized when I went after their privilege. Oh well! This will fade away from my mind once I start something new. I don’t need to get too attached to this job like I did the last one. It’s not a career choice. I don’t have to be a lifer. A wellness coach with a dietic license is still my main quest.

Oh man, I’m starting to feel woozy from the nerves. I have to dig my car out soon. The drive is going to suck because it snowed last night. I’m not packing a lunch because I don’t know if there is a fridge there or anything. I’ll buy dry food on my break. Chips and salsa or something. This is what orientations are fore! ugh. I just wish that there was some orientation process here and that my first shift didn’t have to be eight hours long. I’ll be honest. My first impression of them is not very good. I just don’t feel like I’m in a position where I could be picky. The application process was shitty. Online only and their form did not ask for much. Clearly, they don’t want personalities. Becky with the good hair barely did a proper interview. I didn’t even get eye contact. She wasn’t rude but I could tell that she was very strung out. She complained about her deadlines and how little resources she has. The company doesn’t sound like they have their ducks in a row and that they’ll just make that their employee’s fault. I could be wrong, this could be a good place. I just feel like I was only hired because she has 70 positions to fill. I’m just a body. Anyways, I got to go now. Ugh. My nerves are so shot and I haven’t even started yet.