Marriage Counseling in My Life

Today's session was pretty volatile. G thinks I've done nothing to change, I think he's a totally different person than he used to be, yadda yadda yadda. M, our counselor, finally said in her meetings with us individually, we both seem to wonder if we're right for each other. We both question if this will work. Yet we never discuss that prospect WITH each other. She asked if we wanted to be married and G said yes. I said I don't know. I know he thinks I've put no effort in, and he will blame me if/when this fails. I told him how he's so different and he doesn't want to do anything; he said he'd 'love to on the weekends. I said not as a family always, I want to be out with PEOPLE, with friends! We are together 24/7. I need more. He didn't like that. He said I'VE changed because I have friends now, that the 2 years of me making new circles of friends and branching out has meant an adjustment for the family. I was so irritated and told him he made it sound like I'm out partying constantly when in reality I maybe meet a friend for dinner once a month, and once in a while a friend has all of us (us means FAMILY and he opts not to go) over. He made it out like I've done a bad thing having friends....? I said I never had that previously because I was a SAHM all day and worked at night and Saturdays; so the rare family time we had WAS family time, and my girls at night at work were my friends I saw and talked to every day. When I went back full time, it was a whole different story and it's been a process making friends, keeping friends, etc. I'm so happy to have what I have right now I can't believe he actually spoke ill of it. He got angry when I brought up how he doesn't take care of himself, letting his blood pressure medication run out, and I mentioned he must be depressed because he isn't the same. "I'd say I am depressed!" Well then DO SOMETHING. GO TO COUNSELING LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD. I am so frustrated. M asked us to do 2 things between now and the next visit for each other and asked what it would be. He immediately said he'd got to the next social thing; I kind of scoffed and said those rarely even happen. Long story short, we're told to again to speak 15-20 mins a night, no tv no distractions. She wants us to really talk about how we feel. To maybe even discuss that this might NOT work out. So we'll see. It was not a fun appointment. And I just don't think he's going to ever understand. My mom called this morning to talk about things. She seems to think that I think being a single mom and going through divorce would be easy. ????? I went through the most recent laundry list of things Greg's done and she was mostly speechless. I did say that I realize I may have high expectations. But even if guys are mostly the same, at least some contribute in SOME way - some putter around the yard and take care of that, some are great at fixing and updating stuff around the house, maybe they're great in bed, or they take the kids off on fun excursions. I get none of that from Greg. This isn't a partnership. Mom said the kids would be absolutely devastated - this was shocking, actually, because my parents divorced and of anyone I thought she'd be more...they'll be fine, etc. She thinks L would blame me, like my brother and I blamed my dad. I said "You sat us down and Dad said he didn't love you anymore and was moving out. That's practically the rule book for how NOT to handle a divorce. We would, I'd hope, mutually tell them that things weren't working and we were splitting up. No blame, not one sided."
I have no qualms about divorce being hard. I'm not an idiot, I'm a child of divorce! I never, ever wanted this. But I also think having such a sucky marriage as a role model for my kids is awful parenting, and I think being 35 years old and so unhappy and miserable is not okay. I deserve affection, love, someone kind and caring. I do. :(