Lights come on in 2020

1:21pm

So, I’m sitting here alone in the office for the next minute or two and I figured I would start typing out some thoughts. There’s been so much going through my head lately. Various realizations and what not. I feel like I probably need to type them out to process them fully.

See, last weekend I started to feel pretty bad about certain things that were [perceived by me to be] happening in my relationship. I felt like we hadn’t really connected with each other since Christmas. I mean yes we were still hanging out and definitely talking every day but something felt off. The weekend following Christmas EC had either passed out from partying a little too hard or just plain ol’ fallen asleep all 3 nights. So there was no walking me home, or fun makeout sessions, even on Saturday when we were supposedly celebrating our 6-month anniversary. Then Monday [our actual 6 months] I was a hormonal mess all day and New Years Eve he stopped by for like 3 minutes then took forever to go home and come back. All I wanted to do was spend time with him. It was my first New Years actually having someone to be with and I was so freaken bored that night. It ended ok but it certainly lacked fun for me. So by Saturday every thing just felt off. I’d done some crying and had quite a lot of emotions running through me. He showed up in the morning to drop off the trailer and then said he’d come back soon [but took forever again].

Honestly, it just felt like he was finding any reason to spend time away from me and I wasn’t trying to be clingy but it was my last full weekend and I wanted to enjoy it with him. I guess maybe I felt a bit neglected in comparison to how he’s usually trying to spend every waking minute with me. Even H next door gave him a hard time on Sunday night about hiding and showing up late on Saturday.

After he arrived, and I got out of my head a little, we actually ended up having a really nice rest of our weekend. He house-sat next door so we got some nice alone time together. And this is where I’ve started to have some lightbulbs go off and realize what exactly I was feeling.

A part of what he was doing reminded me quite a bit about the way he acted before we started dating. His actions back then [disappearing, not texting back, etc] make a lot more sense now that I know he was seeing another girl but at the time I didn’t know that. So of course it sparks thoughts of him talking/hanging with someone else.
Now, I have zero reason to believe that he would, or is, cheating on me. He’s expressed very clearly that he is not interested in having more than one woman. He knows exactly where I stand on the subject and he feels the same. He’s also constantly telling me how much he loves me, how lucky he is, how absolutely attractive he finds me, etc. So I’m not exactly worried that he would do it, but ha ha tell that to my brain.

Another light bulb is that there is very clearly something inside me that refuses to accept his words as truth. All those beautiful amazing things he says to me. I realized that I might be hearing them and acknowledging them, but I am not accepting them. I think I would feel even more loving feelings for him if I could simply accept them as fact.
I know that a huge part of this is coming from my past. From all the men that said pretty words and never meant them. Especially TF. As much as I’ve grown and moved on from that fiasco, I know that I am still pretty messed up from it. The huge difference being that at the time I knew TF was bs-ing me but I ignored those feelings. I have had zero red flags or negative internal reactions when EC says such nice things. And yet, I still can’t soak them up and believe them fully. This is definitely something I will be working on in this new year now that I’ve concluded it’s a problem. I really hadn’t noticed it before.

I think I want to talk to EC about these things. I know he showed concern the other day when I was sitting around all sad looking. But it’s hard to have these conversations. I’ve always been so private. I’ve never really allowed myself to be vulnerable with someone, mostly because I haven’t felt completely safe with anyone. And I do feel safe with him. I have done plenty of involuntary crying in front of him just because my emotions are so strong and I really am quite sentimental on the inside. So I want to have this conversation but I don’t know how to find the right time or space to do it. I don’t know how much he wants to hear about my past but I feel like it might be necessary to say, “hey, this is how I’m feeling, this is probably why I’m having these feelings, and this is what I’m doing to change them into something positive/productive.”

You all know that typing those words in your online journal is a lot different than sitting across from him and saying them in person. I’m going to try though. That’s my goal. I’ll for sure work on myself in the meantime while I gather the courage. I want him to understand where I’m coming from and know that it’s not always his fault.

Stuff to work on for sure. I really just needed to get the thoughts out. To realize that it really is all in my head and mostly stems from old wounds. Maybe partly due to society and all the stories I’ve heard of no good men. My fear of being abandoned and completely falling apart again. You know, all that good stuff. =\

I guess instead of weight loss or financial goals I’m going to go ahead and have my new years resolution be about making sure I don’t screw up this really amazing thing I have going and self-sabotage like I’ve done so much in the past. Time to continue that work on my inner-self!

rose.
4:44pm