The incident in 2019 Amazing Stories!

I’ve been avoiding writing here because of something that happened on Friday, but I told my therapist that I journaled about it, so I may as well actually journal about it.

Friday was a pretty normal, standard day. I went to work, went to kickboxing after work, and then decided I’d stop at Walgreens to pick up a frozen pizza on the way home because I was starving. And frozen pizzas are great because they’re easy to put in the oven and provide for easy leftovers over the weekend. #SingleLyfe

Walgreens is pretty close to my apartment, so its the most easiest and convenient place to stop for these sort of purchases. While I was rounding the corner of the frozen food aisle, to head towards the cashier, I literally almost ran into him. Him being my ex-husband who I haven’t seen since he signed the divorce papers a little over a year and a half ago.

And he looked like ABSOLUTE SHIT.

I took a quick glance at “the dude who almost ran into me” and recognized him immediately. Recognized the glasses, recognized the grown out disheveled beard that he only grows out when he’s completely given up, recognized the angry yet distant glossey eyes glare in his eyes that he only has when he’s high and feels like everyone is against him. He looked awful. He gained a little weight and was wearing heather grey sweatpants. That part is new. He used to be a firm jeans wearer. There is absolutely no way he currently has a significant other judging by his current appearance and demeanor.

SO, back to the story. He almost runs into me, and I recognize him at once after only a quick glance. I pretend that I don’t though because he didn’t make eye contact and didn’t appear to recognize me. I pretty much look the same and was wearing workout clothes that he’s seen a million times. I continue my walk up to the cashier as if nothing is off even though my heart is pounding out of my chest. He still doesn’t recognize me and starts to follow me, presumably to pay for his items (my biggest regret of the night is not being able to see what he was buying because I’m nosy like that).

I continue my walk up to the cashier HOPING he catches on quickly because I’m fighting my urge to flee because I can’t turn around backwards and hide because he’s right there, and I can’t fly out the front door because I haven’t paid for my items and dropping my items where they were and then fleeing would cause a scene. I figured if he was too zoned/perhaps stoned to use his eyes for recognition, my voice would clue him in once the cashier talked to me, and at that point he’d be right beside me.

But, he ended up recognizing just before I reached the cashier and then high-tailed it away to somewhere else in the store and hid while I made my purchase and left the store.

I was so freaked out about the entire incident that I actually tried to convince my brain very hard that it made the whole thing up. But as I was leaving the store I saw his car in the parking lot (looking just as horribly as him) and the entire weight of what had just happened came crushing down.

Yeah, it could have been worse. There could have been a confrontation. But it was just how things ended a year and half ago and how he looks present day. Reminders of his promises to change. His threats of suicide if I ever left him. His “I’ll literally have no one if you leave” comments and his begging cries to try to keep me to stay.

But after seeing him on Friday, its clear that he has not used the last 1.5 years as an opportunity to change. It appears he has made no steps for self improvement. It was two days after Christmas that this had happened, and I admit I thought about him over Christmas. I hoped he’d either visited his family in Michigan or they had visited him. It didn’t look like he had visitors over Christmas (he would have shaved or at least groomed his beard as he always had. I didn’t either, but I took myself on that hike and try to keep myself occupied.

My nerves were completely out of control though when I drove out of the Walgreens parking lot. I texted my therapist asking if she had any opening this week because I was feeling very overwhelmed about what just happened and needed to talk to someone. This was around 7pm. She didn’t text back until 9 am the following morning (which, boundaries I understand, but the overwhelmed human in me was still sort of annoyed she couldn’t text SOMETHING back even if it was just the number to the crisis hotline). She said she didn’t have any openings this week (i’m assuming she’s one of the many people taking vacation time over the holidays, which I also understand but figured I’d ask anyway) and told me to journal about the incident and download a DBT app to help with my Distress Tolerance and Emotion Regulation. She also said in her text that she would e-mail me later some DBT groups I could look into.

She did e-mail me the DBT groups on Sunday, with one of them actually being an affordable group at $50/weekly session. Of course she also said in her e-mail that if I wanted to “pause” therapy with her to balance out costs if I did join one of these groups, she would completely understand. Of course, in my head I read that as “I hope you join these groups, so I officially can get rid of you”. That is in alignment with the underlying fear that came up after she mentioned Schema therapy last session and that she doesn’t do it.

So I’m slightly regretting even texting her at all after the incident. i think I’ve maybe texted her like only 3 other times in the time I’ve seen her, so it’s not like I overuse the privilege and she has given me prior permission to text her. I did, however, send an e-mail to the affordable DBT group on Sunday asking for more information. The group starts in January, so I’d sort of need to get on the ball pretty quickly. It is now Tuesday, and I haven’t got a response from them yet. Kind of in a holding pattern with that. My next appointment with my therapist remains to be in the middle of January, she didn’t offer an earlier appointment.

The other DBT groups are running around $125-$200 per weekly session and that just ain’t happening. There are online groups, but I’m a little too good at “just tell them what you know they want to hear” and not being my genuine self when I’m hidden behind a screen. So I don’t think the online groups would be very beneficial.

It just sucks because I gave him everything. I gave him the house and everything in the house. The only thing I took was the dog. He didn’t have to start completely over in a new place and buy all new things. And he’s done NOTHING with himself.

Glad I got out when I did I guess.

Last updated January 01, 2020