More thoughts mainly for myself in 2019 Amazing Stories!

I think I might have been in hardcore denial about the possible Avoidant Personality Disorder diagnosis. I’ve done A LOT more reading. And honestly, in my last session my therapist mentioned that Schema Therapy was proven the most useful treatment for this diagnosis but she wasn’t specially trained in that form of therapy. So, I’ve been having this underlying fear that when I see her again in the middle of January, she’s going to be like “yeah, so Schema Therapy is what you need. Unfortunately that is something that counselors have to receive specialized training on in order to successfully conduct with their patients, and I haven’t received that training. So you’ll need to find that sort of therapist, and I’ve done all I can do for you through CBT, and I can no longer see you.”

That is the underlying fear. She brought up this diagnosis towards the end of our session on Monday. I was in too much of a “oh shit” shock moment to ask many questions. Part of this disorder is an extreme worry of what people think about you. I was wondering what she thought about me too much in order ask questions. Part of this disorder is the extreme fear of rejection. I was also too busy worrying about what could possibly come of this treatment-wise (new therapist? cut off contact with current therapist?)

Unlike the Autism spectrum where social inhibitions have kind of been around since birth, the social inhibitions formed from this personality disorder is formed as a sort of PTSD response to either parental or peer rejection (or both!) during the teenage years. When I read her handout explaining that I was like “that was grades 7 - 12 for me (both parental and peer rejection).”

I found this online, and its rings true for me:

**Two main influences on the development of APD are :

1) PARENTAL REJECTION

2) PEER REJECTION

Let’s look at each of these in turn :

– PARENTAL REJECTION: according to research conducted by the psychologist Kantor, parental rejection is the environmental factor which is most strongly associated with an individual’s later development of AvPD. This is borne out by the fact that those who suffer from AvPD are far more likely than others to have experienced rejection; furthermore, their experiences of rejection have commonly been found to be particularly intense and frequent.

Parental rejection will often set up the mindset (either consciously or unconsciously) in the rejected individual which runs along the lines of: ‘If my parents can’t accept me, how can I possibly expect anybody else to?’ This can have a catastrophic effect upon the person’s self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. It will often, too, lead the individual to become profoundly self-critical, even to the point of self-hatred.

– PEER REJECTION : if, when we are young, our home environment is rejecting, critical, hostile and undermines our sense of self-worth, but, on the other hand, outside of the home we have many experiences which are positively reinforcing to us (e.g. supportive teachers, friends or other social networks), the latter experiences may enable us to develop sufficient PSYCHOLOGICAL RESILIENCE to protect us from the worst emotional effects of our home-life.

However, if a young person is rejected not only by parent/s but, also, by siblings and peer group, AvPD is far more likely to develop in later life, especially if the various rejections continue over a sustained period.

The experience of continual rejection and humiliation can lead to the individual internalising others’ negative view of him/her (ie coming to see him/herself in the same negative light in which others appear to see him/her).

This leads him/her to become yet more self-critical and to feel even more inferior. These feelings of worthlessness lead to even greater withdrawal from others, and, thus, increases to an even greater extent, the person’s loneliness and sense of isolation. In the mind of the person becoming increasingly cut off from society, the rejection by his/her peers seems to justify and validate the parental rejection. In the end, the individual may retreat so far from others that AvPD develops.**

Basically its a coping mechanism formed from Childhood Emotional Neglect (sometimes physical neglect as well), and it stunts the child socially/emotionally. The child/teenager doesn’t learn how to communicate their wants/needs when the other kids do, and if they do try, they get rejection/neglect/unmet needs. As a result of this consistent response from parents/peers, the child never learns how to perform socially, build relationships, and TRUST anyone. (I have significant trust issues.) The child sort of “shuts down” and internalize everything that a normal kid would verbalize. This then negatively affect self-esteem and self-confidence and impairs their social development significantly, including the inability to make conversation around new people or make consistent eye contact with people the person already knows (also me).

I don’t know if any of that makes sense. Yeah, I’m able to put myself in new social situations on my own, but have I been able to do it consistently? No. Have I been able to hold a conversation with a new person at the level of a 31 year old adult? No. Do my friends who know me closest here still tease me (meant in a joking way) about my social awkwardness? Yes. And do I perceive that teasing as sort of a ‘negative rejection’ because they aren’t teasing everyone in the room (only me)? Yes. People with this personality disorder are pretty sensitive folk.

I’ve been reading articles since 8:30am and it is now 2:30 pm. Literally everyone else in this company took the day off.

Last updated December 28, 2019