Hike and Feelings About Possible New Diagnosis in 2019 Amazing Stories!

I’m back at work today. I only got Christmas Eve and Christmas day off from work, but I think I’m okay with that. I’d been in kind of a funk the past few days, which resulted in me having a pretty low mood Christmas Eve. I HATE when I let my mood get that low, but it also serves as a motivational tool to change it around as quickly as I possibly can because if I don’t, it spirals out of control. I forced myself to make plans the next day for Christmas Day. I actually really wanted to go skiing, but I didn’t have enough mental energy for that. So I decided I’d go on a hike where I could still get to play in snow once I got high enough in altitude, and if for some reason I just couldn’t do it mentally/physically, I could turn around without having spent the money for a lift ticket/rental gear.

The hike was good. I did spend roughly 2 of the 5 hours I was out there in a shit mood, but the reliable ole endorphins kicked in once I was getting closer to the top and realized I was going to make it to the top, snow and all. (I have done this hike twice before but never with snow as a factor) Here are some pics:

So as far as the possible new diagnosis from my therapist, I’m still organizing my thoughts and trying to construct a respective argument that pretty much goes along the lines of “while I think I have some of the symptoms of the diagnosis, I do NOT think I meet enough of the criteria as stated in the DSM V to be diagnosed. All the symptoms that I have overlap with many other diagnoses.” She thinks I have Avoidant Personality Disorder – which is in the Cluster C (Anxious, fearful) group of personality disorders

Symptoms of Avoidant Personality Disorder (I’ll put an X next to the ones that I feel describe me):

Social inhibition (X)
Feelings of inadequacy (X)
Hypersensitivity to negative evaluation (X)
Anxiety about saying or doing the wrong thing (X)
A need to be well-liked
Avoiding situations due to fear of rejection
Avoiding intimate relationships or sharing intimate feelings
Avoiding social situations or events (X - But I’m trying REALLY HARD to work on this one)
Avoiding interaction in work settings or turning down promotions
Avoiding conflict (being a “people-pleaser”) (X)
Low self-esteem (X)
Lack of assertiveness (X)
Extreme self-consciousness
Viewing oneself as socially inept or inferior3 (X)
Lack of trust in others (X)
Self-isolation
Failure to initiate social contact (X)
Anhedonia (lack of pleasure in activities)
Anxiety in social situations (X)
Avoiding making decisions
Vigilant for signs of disapproval or rejection (X)
Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval (X)
No close friends/lacking a social network
Unwilling to take risks or try new things
Fearful and tense demeanor
Misinterpreting neutral situations as negative

Criteria per the DSM-5 (I’d need to meet at least four of the following). I’ll italicize the ones I feel I meet and then write about the ones I feel I don’t:

-Avoidance of occupational activities involving significant social contact out of fear of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

-Unwillingness to become involved with others unless you are certain that they will like you

Holding back in intimate relationships out of fear of being ridiculed or humiliated

Preoccupation with criticism or rejection in social situations

Inhibition in new social situations due to feeling inadequate

Feelings of being socially inept, unappealing, or inferior to others

-Hesitation to take risks or do new things out of fear of embarrassment

So like, I put myself out there. I join team sports where I don’t know most (if any) of the other players on the team. I don’t NEED to feel certain that they will like me before I show up to the first practice. I typically go with “if they’re not my people, I don’t have to go back” sort of mind set. I tried that running group. It was fun, but I lost motivation due to a few things. First: the time change. Running in the dark even with people is not appealing to me. Second: the group seemed to be comprised of happily married couples, which was a bit discouraging to me. I want to meet other singles. I went to that Bingo night without knowing another soul there and had enough fun that I was there from 8pm until 1 am. Granted, I wasn’t really able to make conversation that well, but I feel like a person with this personality disorder, wouldn’t have been able to get themselves there. I don’t personally feel like I have trouble with intimacy. I took a pretty big risk in leaving a bad marriage and initiating the divorce process. I also took a risk in putting in my 3 weeks notice here at work a few months ago without having another job lined up right away, thinking I’d definitely be leaving. Personality disorders are on the more extreme side of things. I also read that people with this personality disorder actually prefer loneliness over possible rejection. I don’t prefer it at all. It just happens a lot because I never learned HOW to make close connections.

I feel like the symptoms I do meet are symptoms that fit many other diagnoses. I always wondered if I might be on the high functioning end of the autism spectrum. It presents itself differently in females than males and most of the studies are on young boys. I brought it up to her at one point, but she didn’t really think that was it. I think she’s taking my extreme shyness and introvertedness and calling it a personality disorder. I won’t see her for 3 more weeks though, so I have time to present my case of “while I think you’re close, I think you’re wrong because…” and honestly if I did have this personality disorder, would I even be able to “confront” her about it? Would I have ghosted her a long time ago like Tinder dude ghosted me?

Also, I don’t want any comments on here blasting her if you feel like she’s off the mark. That won’t do me any good either. I need to remain in a positive mindset about this in order to be constructive with my thoughts. Like I said, the symptoms match, but I’m not fully convinced the criteria does. But, if you feel she’s right you can totally let me know and why. I’m trying really hard to figure this out.

Edit

Shit. Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m just in denial.

Last updated December 27, 2019