I hope everyone had an enjoyable December 25th! After Christmas Morning, Brunch, loads of eggnog, a nap, and dinner… Nala and I returned home. Nala was exhausted as she hadn’t slept all day and she sauntered into the Master Bedroom, leapt onto the bed, and instantly fell asleep. I retreated downstairs to enjoy video games. FINALLY got one of the fecking achievements that has been glitching in one of my games. It makes me slightly more hopeful that I can 100% this game. Though… I’m not as precise a shot as I would otherwise like to be and one of the achievements is “Perfect Round at the Shooting Gallery” so… it might take me quite a lot of time!!
I am… conflicted. What else is new, right?
Conflict 1: Work. I’m here, I’m present, I’m at work… so I should be doing all the things that need to get done. But I’m the only attorney in the building right now, there is no court open for the remainder of the week, and I’m mostly an answer service for law enforcement right now. The conflict? That push/pull between “Get something done” and “Sod that!”
Conflict 2: After work plans and decisions. Do I buy alcohol so that I can “hide my brain” tonight? Do I stay upstairs with Nala and Martha and watch television, do I go play video games, do I continue to read my book? Do I try to exercise a little? Do I jerk off? Do I try to make dinner? Do I print off cooking recipes? I could do any of that… but much like with work… I don’t really feel like doing anything. Right now, I’m of a mind to buy rum, hole up in the basement, play video games and jerk off. But I know that the inclusion of alcohol and pornography will do nothing to help me get to my goals of being more active, more attractive, and more available.
I don’t know. I think the tiredness of the holiday season blending with my new existential funk is just… playing with my energy.
As my separation continues forward and my perusal of local dating sites brings me to a haunting realization… I’ve been self pleasuring a great deal. Nothing wrong with that, of course. But it does lead me to an inflamed desire to experiment, to try to learn and enjoy new aspects of life. To, maybe for the first time, stand with confidence and a firm idea of exactly what I want. I’m not expecting perfection. At this point, I’m not even expecting relationship… but I do know what I want. And I know what I want to try. The problem comes with the great bridge between where we ARE and where we WANT TO BE.
One avenue for me in that regard comes with trying to re-mold my body. In 2019, I managed to lose 24 pounds. Just a few pounds shy of 2 stone. My desire, however, was to lose at least 2.5 stone (about 35 pounds) and to work on getting into “visually pleasing” shape. I appreciate that there are likely many women in this world who would see someone like me and think “hot bod unnecessary.” After all, I have a steady, well-paying full time job… my own house… no children… no debt besides mortgage… I have been described as a unicorn, honestly. But for what I’m looking for… healthy and attractive would do me a world of good.
And what is it I am looking for? One wouldn’t think it too insane but perhaps it is a tall order. I’d love to find a geeky/nerdy woman who liked comic books, anime, and science fiction. One who enjoyed playing video games and board games. One who enjoyed reading and the last book she read wasn’t “over a year ago.” Someone who equally enjoyed exploring the world and staying in. Of course, I would want to be physically and intellectually attracted to her. And I would like her to be sexually adventurous. At least enough to engage in costume and/or role play and/or oral and/or exploration of the various kinks in this world. Obviously… and I do have to state this due to my history… I would need whoever this mystery woman was to not be totally deranged… someone who isn’t likely to have a complete psychotic break and attempt to murder or stab people.
So… yeah. Maybe asking for a bit much? lol.