Emi in ❅journal 2019❅

Yesterday Isaac came back and talked to me for a hour or two, it was nice. He gave me permission to I guess explore while he’s gone sexually which kinda shocked me. I saw it as cheating, but he said it isn’t with permission to do so. I must be super uneducated on relationships, more than I thought.

Anyway, Emi wanted me to enter a sexual relationship with him or someone else. He basically explained it didn’t have to all by sexual unless it was my choice and that it would help me learn some stuff to do with Isaac. And maybe, Isaac wants me to do it.

He also started saying some not nice things about him but he stopped when I started crying. He apologized and we talked about some other personal stuff regarding him that confirmed my suspicions of one of the reasons he so shut out from the world. And why he thinks he’s a monster or a freak.

When I met Emi, he was a tad bit more social and even joined a call with me, John and someone else to watch a anime that just came out. Then we just stopped talking when I started dating Ali. I felt so bad,I could never find his account and he put his status as in the hospital/while never being online. So when we started talking again I was estatic.

My friend whose also male but like the only one who hasn’t tried to stick their dick in me, I told the entire situation and he was mad at my boyfriend for just being okay with me messing around with Emi. He said it’s fucked up and he described Emi as a guy whose just horny. And told me some guys just want to fuck. I’ve done some things for friends, sexual yeah because that’s what good friends do but Emi wanted I could not.

I have boundaries I’ll never cross, I still have SOME dignity left after everything that has happened to me. But Emi…I’m all he has from what he’s told me. And I feel bad, because he’s clearly traumatized from something he thinks saved his life but it didn’t. And he seems to have some awareness of it but me saying it to him made him closed off. I guess it will take some more time to get threw to him.

What does Emi think of me? I don’t know, from what he told me it’s basically what I expected. But there’s something he won’t tell me, I feel it. Everything is so weird.

I’ve been writing letters to everyone I feel has a big impact on me currently and I’ve gotten three done. Each talks about some heavy stuff and the one for my friend who overdosed was so angry it shocked me. I don’t understand where all these emotions we coming from but they are there and I guess just have been buried for weeks and months.