Insecurity. in Mental Health

I was going to title this entry “Fear,” but I realized that my fears are rooted in insecurities. My dad died. Of course I’m depressed. I can tell myself, and everyone else, that he’s better off now, not suffering anymore, and that’s true, but still…

I was already feeling off-kilter. Fearful and depressed and having negative thoughts and really, really fighting to overcome them. And then… I lost another person from my life. And it just feels like that’s all it’s been for awhile, one after another after another. And yeah, the majority of people I’ve “lost” in the last year were toxic people that needed to be lost anyway, but not all of them were toxic. No, some of the people I’ve lost, it really hurt to lose them. I didn’t want to lose them all.

And now I just feel this looming sense of inevitability. And I know it isn’t rational. Intellectually, I know. But knowing doesn’t stop the emotions themselves from flowing. And when the negative thoughts are like a tidal wave and I can’t fight all of them off and the thoughts trigger the emotions and then I’m drowning. Like… The Great Alone-ing is almost complete. That’s the current, overwhelming emotion. Eventually, I really will be the crazy old lady in a cabin the woods, alone but for her cats.

I know that doesn’t have to be my reality. I know that I am in control and I have the choice, I have all of the choices, they are all mine to make. But sometimes it’s hard to make the right choices when it feels like my entire life is centered around loss. I know it’s not, but it feels like it is right now. Like it’s just inevitable that I will eventually have no one left. No one will know me. Yes, it is negative self-talk to even give voice to the feelings. Yes, I’m hurting my own feelings. I don’t know what else to do. I need these things OUT of me. I should probably be painting but even that doesn’t feel right at the moment.

The worst part about being alone is that no one knows when you’re hurting unless you tell them. There is no one to see, no one to notice, no one to care. I know people care about me. I know I am loved. But no one sees me like this. No one to notice and love me extra when I really need it. That’s all. I just wish I wasn’t alone right now.

I’ll make it through, I always do. I am always stronger than I give myself credit for. But, right now, right this minute, I am not okay.