Two in a row. in Mental Health

I feel like I keep messing up. I don’t talk about the right things, or say the right things sometimes. I feel like it annoys you and then I ask myself, “Who should I be so as not to annoy him?”

And I really don’t even like myself at all for asking myself that question. I’ve spent all my life being and doing and saying what I thought would be the most pleasing to the people around me.

Everything in the whole world is different for me now. I’m different, and people treat me differently, look at and see me differently. I can see it on their faces, hear it in their voices. Everything and everyone is different to me now. Yeah, some people still look at me like I have three heads, but that’s okay, they’ve always existed. And maybe some things are just things I didn’t notice before, maybe they aren’t new. Like how I can see sometimes when a man is looking at me like a woman. I mean, looking at me how a man looks at a woman, not as… I don’t know, a cook or a friend or a random nice lady. It flusters me, to be honest. But it’s also… nice. After feeling hideous and/or invisible for so long, it’s nice to feel seen again, and especially nice to feel seen as a woman.

Oh, I feel like I’m messing even this up right now. Unedited never works out for me because I can’t always translate feelings to words and I end up bumbling around and saying shit that gets taken all the wrong way.

Sometimes I think i should just keep it to my goddamn self.

(okay, now I’ve gone and pissed myself off at myself)

You say that exactly who I am is perfect, that you love exactly the me that I am.

I gotta stop myself, I have to stop. There is no sense in looking forward to the end when I have you now. I won’t sacrifice this for my fears. No more.