A Normal Entry in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So… last night and today…

Last night before I left work, Wife asked me to pick up some Vice Grips as the Washing Machine Repair man came back (3rd time) and “fixed” the machine… it did not fix the machine. Bought the vice grips, some juice, some soda, and a bottle of rum. Came home, helped Wife try to fix the machine. It did not fix the machine. We’ve now been without a washing machine for the entire month of November. Frustrating.

Wife told me that this week was a big study week for her; that she has papers and projects and labs and loads of homework to do. Which… somewhat confuses me. She’s been doing hours and hours and hours of homework this whole time (unless she, as has been suggested, waits for me to get home before even starting her homework) so what the hell? But all right.

So I gave the dog a walk. Difficult to do considering that it gets dark out before I come home from work; but I strap a flashlight to my head and do it. The dog needs her damned walk and she hasn’t had one since… maybe Thursday or Friday of last week.

I got home and poured myself a drink; watched the latest South Park; then started making dinner. Yup. I can’t help but go to that same place of thinking… Wife only had Lab today. She had school from 1:00 to 3:00. She didn’t walk the dog, she didn’t do homework, she didn’t make food, she didn’t clean the kitchen… quite frankly… what the fuck did she do all day? I mean… maybe she did yard work? If she did, she didn’t tell me and it was too dark to see it when I got home… but… really? I get so confused as to how she can come across as so… incapable sometimes. So… I made dinner. Brought it to her in her Study Room. She asked for a drink. I had finished mine already. So I poured her a drink and poured myself one. I finished my dinner, washed my plate, went to her study room. I took her plate and washed it. She said that she didn’t like the drink I made her and asked me to finish what was left. So I finished that drink and washed the glass. Then I went downstairs to play video games and poured myself another drink. So… yeah… the bottle of rum is almost gone already. And most of it wound up in me. And I think that says a hell of a lot. That I’m so… tired of being “lonely married” that I let my drinking get out of control. That is highly inappropriate. Especially since I absolutely did get to the point of drunk last night. Like… the kind of drunk where I take off all of my clothes in the basement before walking upstairs to go to bed. It is a weird thing I do when I am drunk; but my brain will say “Bedtime!” so I get into my pajamas “nude” where I am and then go to bed. Yes, I’m weird. Deal with it.

But then I’m quick to throw in my own little “remember to not fall” in to say… I sleep naked. I almost always sleep naked. I have slept naked since before I was in college. Technically, if a woman that was sleeping next to me wanted to, my “bits and pieces” are there every night. And you’re telling me that for a combined total of 80 months (or more)… my Wife hasn’t felt the urge or desire? So… yeah. Even knowing it is a “her” issue… that kind of thought still leads to me having significant self-esteem issues.

So, I wake up at 7 and… really don’t want to get out of bed. Not in a “I’m hung over” way… that happens extremely rarely unless I’ve been drinking wine or vodka (my family is cursed with good genes to rum and whiskey)… but I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep and pretend that another day wasn’t happening. Which, again, tells you a lot about where I am right now.

Got to work, nothing doing. My schedule has three things on it for today:

(1) Clean

(2) Magistrate Matrix

(3) Set Up Car Appointment

Oh, the “Set Up Car Appointment” thing just reminded me of something from last night.

So, I text my parents (including Wife in the texts) and say “Washing Machine is still broken, Car Appointment likely in Ames, so I may come down and stay the night on Friday.” They respond with, “Okay but we have your niece staying with us that night and she already claimed The Bermuda Room. Blue Room okay with you?” To which I say, “Yeah” because hell, the Blue Room was my bedroom from ages 5 to 15. Yes, the bed can only fit one person, but we knew Niece would be staying with them this weekend anyway.

So… a few minutes later I hear Wife ask me to come into her study room. She wants to know why I’m “acting like I’m going alone.” To which I tell her that I was planning on going from work to the car appointment, since going from work to home to car appointment would require that I go in the opposite direction. I mean, if she wanted to come down on Friday, she could but I thought that driving 20 miles in the opposite direction was pretty stupid. She then jumps to her next issue with what had just been discussed. “If we’re both there on Friday, then we need the Bermuda Room. Two people can’t sleep in the Blue Room.” I explain to her that Niece is already slated to be in the Bermuda Room and I’m not going to boot her. To which Wife asks what my idea to fix the issue is… and I tell her that I’d just sleep on the couch in the living room!

I mean… I get it. This week, she said “I love you” and I did not say “I love you” back. She is probably highly aware of how I feel right now. So she doesn’t want me sleeping without her. But… again… I have to interject… “sleeping next to your husband” is the level of engagement you’re going with? Seriously?

BACK TO THE WORK ISSUE

My schedule has three things on it for today:

(1) Clean

(2) Magistrate Matrix

(3) Set Up Car Appointment

Clean. My desk needs it badly. Badly badly badly. But I am so apathetic right now. Like… why clean my desk, it doesn’t matter.

Magistrate Matrix… I have 39 hearings tomorrow. Holy balls!

Car Appointment? Likely something that I’ll have to do during lunch.

So as I sit staring at my computer… “Emily” comes on. Asks if I want to get a drink with her on Thursday. I just… go with what I want. I say yes. It’s JUST A DRINK and it is JUST GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE that I want to have as a friend. Yes, this friend has expressed an interest in me… I’ve had friends do that before and we remained friends that did not engage in a physically inappropriate relationship. JUST GETTING A DRINK isn’t a major issue.

But already there is a pit in my stomach because I know Wife will be upset. “Hey honey, I’m gonna go get drinks with some people tonight.” Which will be responded to with, “And I’m not invited?” To which I’ll say, “You’ve got homework to do. Don’t worry about it.” To which she’ll quickly say something along the lines of, “I can do it afterwards. Where are we going?” Forcing me to basically say, “No, honey. You are not invited. I am going to get a drink with a friend, then I am coming home after we’ve talked.” And… just… I’m not thrilled about this whole shit. Because honestly… if I tell Wife that I am getting a drink with “Emily”… Wife will freak out because she already views “Emily” as a threat… which, obviously, of course she should. But then… is this really how things are? You care now at the last possible second because you realize that not only could I be gone, but that I could possibly be gone and engage in a relationship of some kind with somebody else? Really? So this is more of a “greed” thing than a “I genuinely love my husband and have shown him that I care about him”?? Bothers me. It just reminds me that this whole time it hasn’t been Wife and Chris building a life. It has been Chris building a life and Wife occupying it.

But here’s the thing… after speaking with “Emily”… (not just about getting drinks but having a genuine chat about work space feng shui and the like)… there are two things that have changed from when I walked in this morning.

(1) I am actually going to clean up a bit of my desk
and
(2) I can feel my heart beating. It’s weird… most of the time my heart is… dead. Like… 40 to 50 beats per minute. My heart is now probably somewhere between 60 and 80. It is… interesting.