Endings in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019
- Nov. 18, 2019, 4:58 p.m.
- |
- Public
Play is over. I am feeling physically sore and very tired. But that isn’t the only aftermath left, of course.
Honestly, I’m not even sure if “Emily” will follow up with me about anything. She did specifically tell me that she was quote “very much interested in having sex with me.” A beautiful woman that I am extremely attracted to telling me she is interested in sex with me… and I didn’t have to marry her, beg her, or let her get smashed first. Didn’t have to go to months of counseling for it either. That in itself is enough to push me. Not the potential promise of having a sexual relationship with a complicated beauty; but the idea that someone could/would tell me like that. As opposed to… the honest emotional pain of my sex life to this point in time.
Because of course, there is Wife. Clearly, people will say that I am now closer to divorce ONLY because of Emily… and to claim that she isn’t a part of it would be a lie. But ultimately it is the confluence of it all. A play where the theme was “you might be better off”… the fact that we are now officially in a 5 year cycle. I mean… 2009, 2014, 2019… I don’t want to wait around and stay miserable and do all of this again in 2024!
But… here’s the problem. I actually know exactly how Wife, my therapist, and our couple’s counselor is going to react. And the truth is? I know I am too weak to argue against all 3 of them. Best I can do? Tell them all specifically “My marriage has felt like being punished for an affair I didn’t have. My WHOLE marriage has felt like a punishment. So frankly? That is where I am right now. If I am going to be punished for something that I haven’t done… that I expressly NEVER did.. then… color me pissed.”
Because honestly… I’ve realized that I am exhausted. I have been absolutely busting my ass for this marriage for 8 years and… I don’t have anymore energy to fight. I’m so tired of putting energy into this marriage and getting scraps in return. And frankly… I DO get that Wife is trying. I appreciate that. But honestly… I think she and I would be much better as friends. I think demanding her to be emotionally available and physically intimate is… actually a cruelty. If that isn’t who she is… me demanding it of her just… isn’t fair. To either of us.
Plus… this has now become a 5 year cycle. 2009: we should break up, I’m not getting what I need. Oh, stay? Okay. 2014: we should divorce, I’m not getting what I need. Oh, stay? Okay. 2019: we should divorce, I’m not getting what I need. Why should I stay AGAIN?! My therapist will tell me to. Our couple’s counselor will tell me to. Wife will downright BEG me to. And I won’t want to disappoint anyone so… I may crumble. And Lord knows my parents are both supportive of me being emotionally healthy but also don’t want my marriage to end.
But ultimately… seriously… my wife has pretty much told me she’d prefer I look at porn and masturbate as opposed to having what I would conclude to be a healthy sex life.
And the truth is… because of that? I’ve already started to disengage. My head has been on a swivel. I’ve been comparing dating apps. Frankly, even if “Emily” hadn’t come along… I would likely have started to pay for a dating app and cheated on my wife within the next six months anyway. But since “Emily” did come along?
My wife, who has spent almost every night with me mostly naked sleeping next to me… can’t or won’t do or say anything to make me feel attractive. Lord knows she can’t bring herself to do more than a peck on the lips. No lingering kisses. No foreplay activities. No foreplay conversations. And no sexual intercourse. Meanwhile… I honestly do have people in my life (not just “Emily”) that compliment me, tell me I’m attractive, tell me that I’m a good guy. Strangers make me feel more wanted than my own wife. And that is a hard thing to deal with… especially “for years on end.”
And at the end of it? I think that I was honestly emotionally done about 3 months ago. The reason I’m still “trying” at all is because I don’t want to seem like a jerk. I mean… Holiday Season… Wife turning 40 next year… Wife not having a job or a means to provide for herself…. Those are the reasons that come up when I think about sticking around. It isn’t “I’m losing the love of my life” or anything like that. It’s all strictly pragmatic issues. Not wanting her destitute, not wanting her getting all of my money, worried about the Dog. Those kinds of things. And doesn’t that say a lot right there? I’m not even so much worried about hurting Wife emotionally just worried about her ability to live without relying on me all the time.
So I typed up an e-mail to my mom about all of it. Because… Mom, Therapist, Counselor. The three women (besides Wife) who will likely have the most to say about how I’m feeling. I’ll certainly report back here on things.
One concern? Talking to Wife about it. Because we DO need to talk. Absolutely. But… I also kind of don’t want to do it until we get to couple’s counseling. Because… I mean, shit. This week we’re supposed to discuss the sex thing. AGAIN. And Wife, because she already told me, is going to say “Sex is penetration. That’s… that’s it. That’s what I think about it.” Which… I mean… even if you don’t hold sex in high esteem, the lack of words like “pleasure” or “connection” or “fun” tells me what I need to know. And I’m not having it. Wife wants to be in a monogamous barely sexual relationship… I disagree. She can and will protest to state that she can get better and do more but I would argue that… frankly… I’m owed. Call me an ass on that but there it is. I would say that I should either have an Open Marriage, we get a Separation where we can see other people, or we begin divorce proceedings. And.... oooo, that is going to be an ugly discussion.
hippiechica15 ⋅ November 18, 2019
It does seem at this point that you just are not romantically compatible. I agree with you that maybe it is cruel to expect Wife to provide those things. I'd def wait for your session to breach the subject though. A separation would probably be good for you.
DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ November 18, 2019
You're not closer to divorce because of Emily. Sometimes, a person or situation acts as a big spotlight and gives you more clarity. Emily, and the play, may just be the spotlight that gave you more clarity. If you leave, you won't be leaving for, or because of, Emily.
I can't see how the therapists could push back. Wife has all but said (or maybe even said) sex isn't enjoyable. Whichever way this goes, one of you will be unhappy. Or, at the very least, not completely satisfied.
Would Wife okay extramarital activity? I mean, if her view is that is is just penetration and that's all, what's the big deal? You're already living in a room mate type situation anyway and have for years. These therapists expecting unending waiting is.....ridiculous to me. Marriage needs intimacy. You all don't even seem to have non sexual intimacy. Without meaningful connection, intimacy tends to get lost.
Anaiss ⋅ November 18, 2019
You've been fighting divorce for a long time. It's noble of you, but life is short. At some point you have to make changes to be happier. My BFF Brian and I started out as a couple. We lived together for 3 years and had a blast. But we realized that we were really good friends, and we loved each other, but we weren't in love. He moved out, and we have remained best friends. We live 2 doors away from each other, vacation together and spend holidays together. It's been 17 years now.
AppleGirl ⋅ November 18, 2019
I think at least a separation is in order. You’re torturing yourself and her otherwise.
An open marriage leads to more stress, and you’re still supporting her while taking the pressure off of her to be a wife.
Always Laughing ⋅ November 18, 2019
I agree that you broach theses things at therapy.
caramelchicken ⋅ November 18, 2019
I agree that Emily isn't the reason for you being on the brink of divorce/separation, she and the play has just highlighted your current situation. She has made her attraction to you crystal clear, the ball is now in your court. If you want anything to happen you'll need to make the next move, and I'm sure she's deliberately done it like that, knowing you're currently still with your wife and will need to work out where to from here.
No therapist should ever tell their client what to do when it comes to decisions like whether to stay in a relationship or not. Regardless, you've spent more than enough time, energy, etc on trying to fix a marriage which was never great to begin with. You don't owe anyone anything. You don't need to justify anything. You're unhappy and have been for a long time. It's okay to acknowledge that you're done. You can ask your therapist to help you work out a plan of how you're going to initiate a separation.
Amaryllis ⋅ November 19, 2019
"I think demanding her to be emotionally available and physically intimate is… actually a cruelty." Yeah man. This is what I have been trying to say, and I feel like people keep misunderstanding me saying that I think you shouldn't be upset (you have every right to be) or that I think it's "fine" to never have sex with your spouse who wants sex (I don't.) The issue is specifically if she doesn't want it asking her for it is not right, even though it makes everything I said before that statement incredibly frustrating and tragic. These are the kind of irreconcilable differences that cause continuous harm and are worthy reasons for divorce. Hugs.
Catleesi Amaryllis ⋅ November 19, 2019
^Same.
Deleted user ⋅ November 19, 2019
I agree with the others who say that Emily is not the reason for the divorce. She and the play have given you a new perspective. That there is hope of a better life waiting for you outside of this marriage.
And as far as looking like an asshole because the holidays, 40th birthday etc. You’re going to probably feel like an asshole your regardless of timing. And other people in your life are going to have their opinion. There’s no “nice” time to divorce.
Catleesi ⋅ November 19, 2019
Emily seems to me to be the evidence you've been sorely waiting for to let yourself know that you ARE attractive and that you can have a different life you want outside this marriage. In saying this, I'd be careful after getting out of this separation/marriage and immediately jumping into something. Resolving your emotions and thoughts so you don't bring that mindset into a new relationship I think would benefit you.
Perpetually Plump ⋅ November 19, 2019
Unpopular opinion: cheat on your damned wife. Just do it. You're a control freak that is so focused on being perfect and flawless and above everyone else that you need to do this thing that is wild, unpredictable, unorthodox, uncouth, uncharacteristic, and unsavory. Rip off this shell of perfection you're hiding under. Do this. Rend this facade into pieces. And then start the rebuild process. And accept yourself for your flaws and imperfections and for who you really are. But don't think you're going to have a relationship with Emily. She's screwed up, too. Polyamory is an excuse to be emotionally unavailable and uncommitted in a relationship. She doesn't have the capacity to be in a relationship with you, and you absolutely, under no circumstances, are ready for another relationship. And definitely not with her. Just go bang her. Do this for you and for your wife's freedom and sanity.