Wrap Up in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019
- Nov. 16, 2019, 10:11 p.m.
- |
- Public
Show happened.
Roughest one yet; but people still loved it.
The actress playing my sister was a little over the top today; so I pulled mine back as a compensation. Still hit the real tears, though.
In Laws were happy to see me act finally. Never seen it before.
My parents were thrilled to see me back on stage. It had been such an integral and necessary part of my existence for the majority of my existence that it was nice for them to see me “return to myself”
Wife? Mostly just shrugged. It’s the first time she’s ever seen me on stage. It is a show that she should recognize hits pretty close to home for us.
Her comments? “Lydia over acted; the set looked like it was from the 1970s; and ‘Emily’ is incredibly gorgeous.” So I asked her about the content of the play. “Well, I’d already read the script. Sure it makes me sad but I ‘d already read the script.”
Great. Thanks. Glad you can’t discuss whether you now find me to be an amazing actor or a subpar actor or have any specific comment on your husband’s acting job. Also glad that you don’t have any insights or reactions to watching your husband act out “his struggles about divorce” in a play. Not to be too insulting but… woman, your emotional quotient is dead.
So tomorrow is the last night of the play. And I was thinking about it.
Everyone is happy it is done. They’re like “This was a lot of fun and I love doing it; but it is nice that it is over.” But I’m not in agreement. I missed acting. I have deeply missed spending time with other people. I am honestly going to miss seeing “Emily” almost every day. Essentially, for me, while everyone gets to “go back to their lives” when this is over? I have to go back to Act 2 Scene 1. That is my life. The guy sitting there at the table thinking to himself “I don’t have someone that is going to marry me after I burn down their mom’s house. I don’t have someone that is going to sleep outside my bedroom or yell at handsy teenagers because they miss me. I don’t have that kind of love. I thought I did. For five years, I thought I did! But I didn’t. I never did.” That is my exact line in Act 2 Scene 1. That is what I get to return to.
So… yeah, friends of theater. I’m happy that “Allison” gets to go back to being a mom and plan her wedding. I’m happy that “J.D.” and “Julia” get to return to their lives of working and living together and enjoying life as a couple. I’m happy that “Thomas” gets to go back to fulfilling his 5 year plan in an attempt to become a voice actor. I’m happy that “Charlie” gets to go back to being a little girl in Elementary school. I’m happy that “Emily” gets to spend more time with her family. SO… hooray for them that they get to return to the lives that they put on hold to come play pretend on stage. But that is the hard, scary, uncomfortable truth of this play for me. It is so much, too much, like what I’m actually dealing with.... that I don’t get to hang up the character and go back to living life as ME. I get to hang up the parts of theater where I am hanging out with other people. I get to hang up the parts of theater where I have somewhere besides my home to go to at the end of the day. But the 35 year old childless professional facing potential significant life change because of marital problems?! I don’t get to hang that up. I get to return to that. I get to live that. So… I won’t rain on anyone’s parade. I’ll celebrate the end of the show and smile and wish them all luck and hope to see them again. But I won’t be happy. I’m not thrilled that the show is coming to an end. Because when the curtain falls for the last time? It isn’t the end. For me. It just means that now I have to deal with all of it in real life.
stargazing ⋅ November 16, 2019
I'm sorry your wife's response was so disappointing.
Perpetually Plump stargazing ⋅ November 17, 2019
I am not even slightly surprised. She can't look outside of her self to even contemplate providing praise for her husband. She's used him as a punching bag for so long, that providing him with support or positive affirmations would go against what she can provide. I do enjoy that she commented on how gorgeous Emily is, and I hope there is an opportunity for him to tell wife that Emily has the hots for him and is poly and would be willing to kiss him on the mouth and then some.
stargazing Perpetually Plump ⋅ November 17, 2019
I can't say I'm surprised either. I don't know that she is capable.
hippiechica15 ⋅ November 17, 2019
Your wife's response is just gutting. Wow. I would be so upset if I was in a show and my husband didn't have real any discussion of it with me. Or a "Congratulations" or "Good Show!" I hope your wrap party with the cast is enjoyable.
I wonder if there are other acting opportunities available given the Holidays are so close? I think you should seek some more out, obv acting is very important to you. Even if it's small, it would be a good outlet.
DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ November 17, 2019 (edited November 17, 2019)
Edited
Kudos to you for getting through it when it hit so close to home. I once dropped a class because the book that was required reading hit so close to what was happening to me and my life and, I my case, I was already barely holding it together.
Perpetually Plump ⋅ November 17, 2019
I am not at all convinced that your wife is aware of the depth of your feelings on your marriage. I suspect she thinks everything is okay, because you are not telling her the honest truth about what's going on. When she makes comments about how you're not that bad, you seem to be white washing it. She's getting high praise for her minimal and ridiculous "efforts" in your marriage, and she seems to be of the mind that kissing your forehead is progress and therefore it's fine. So, I don't think it's reasonable to think she'd make the leap from thinking y'all are vastly improved to understanding the character in this play is you at this moment in time. She's not a mind reader. Have you expressed to her the struggle you're having with this character's emotional state being so much like yours right now? It would have been more impactful to tell her of the parallels and then let her watch you act out your feelings about your marriage through this character. I suspect she's going to be absolutely blindsided when she finds out how close you are to really throwing in the towel since it doesn't sound like you're sharing ant of this with her...
Perpetually Plump ⋅ November 17, 2019
The other thing I think needs to be pointed out is that you are not the only one dealing with shit. You seem to be wallowing in being alone and everyone else and their perfect lives and how much harder yours is and how fortunate everyone but you is because they get to shed their acting skins and go back to their perfect, ideal, lives. But that's simply not true. You don't know what everyone is dealing with. You have no idea how deep their problems run. Do you think a single person that spoke to me yesterday at the cheese festival had any idea that my life is anything but perfect? They'd probably be shocked to know I'm letting my nose carved up tomorrow. When I show up at the track, hair done, perfectly put together, BMW keys in one hand and lunch for my boyfriend in the other, that anyone looks at him or me and considers what our emotional and personal problems are? Even his co-workers aren't privy to more than our superficial stuff. But am I the only one dealing with skin cancer? No. And yes, I still feel sorry for myself. Is my boyfriend the only one facing a major job upheaval, no, but he's still feeling turmoil and concern. My point is, you're not alone. But by idealizing everyone else's perfect lives, it sure makes the darkness for you darker, I would imagine...
Down the rabbit hole... Perpetually Plump ⋅ November 18, 2019
Agree... plus you say you're the only one that has to go back to... get it straight, you choose to go back to.