Highlights from Last Night in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

  • Nov. 16, 2019, 1:42 p.m.
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I sent my therapist an e-mail explaining things. In our session, I had discussed the problems with wife and I had discussed quite literally the “scenarios” I posted here as to how I would feel if “Emily” told me she was attracted to me. As you know… “Emily” did tell me she was attracted to me. So I sent my therapist an e-mail.

My therapist wrote back, to summarize, “No cheating. I know you. You can justify it to yourself intellectually, you can sell it to yourself emotionally; but deep down, you would feel guilty and terrible about yourself. DON’T put yourself in a position where you are experiencing short term benefit for long term costs.”

I’ve been checking Prosebox Notes a lot. Because… frankly? This is literally the reason I started writing in Open Diary all those years ago. I’ve been writing this the whole time pretty much as a “Really, what should I do about this shitty situation?” Well… no more time to write, no more time to argue, no more time to try to convince myself that everything will suddenly get better if I’m just as patient as a saint.

Except, that isn’t what some think. Actually. One of the notes that I emotionally and intellectually understood but… honestly was kind of angry about… suggested respecting Wife’s time table. That if she was trying now, I need to give her the benefit of further patience because she IS trying. And I want to argue that because frankly… I honestly feel like I’ve been bleeding my time and potential and patience. I feel like Omaha was downright abusive… and she improved from that into less abusive… and she’s improved from that into negligent. So yeah… improvement. And that is good. But… seriously… I think it is honest to say that after all this time? To get to “openly caring, conscientious, and intimate” would be another DECADE AT LEAST.

MBFITWW was at the show last night. THE FIRST THING HE SAID after the show was over was “Holy shit, dude. That girl playing Emily was gorgeous!! What is her story?!” Well… her story is that she said she’s attracted to me. And I’m in a marriage where I haven’t felt of value in many many years. So… at least from my perspective? THAT‘s the story.

And when the show ended last night, “Emily” said that she really enjoys talking to me and wants to get a drink sometime.

Meanwhile, I get home from the play and.... MBFITWW is sitting there with my dog… my Wife nowhere to be seen. Ah, she’s locked herself away somewhere to keep doing homework. I start drinking with my friend. (Not that there SHOULD BE, but I’ll note that there is no dinner or food or anything). Wife comes out of her study room around 11:00 or later. Is upset that I’m drinking. Downright tells me to get some food. Orders me, really. Y’know… instead of making me something because she wants me to eat; she just orders me around.

Then this morning… I have a massive cramp in my leg. I was upset that it hadn’t gone away, actually. You see, last night I woke myself up because my leg moved wrong in my sleep and my calf muscle flexed and didn’t unflex. Thus the cramp. So… my morning starts in a place of discomfort and pain to begin with. Wife is… taping her homework together. Because while I was at the play; Wife went out and didn’t (despite how many times I’ve told her) put Nala in her kennel. So Nala ate the Newspaper and part of Wife’s Homework. I’m not even sympathetic or concerned anymore. I’m pissed. This isn’t just about keeping Nala from destroying shit; this is also about keeping Nala fucking alive! Imagine if she got into something that she choked on or poisoned her?! For fuck sake woman… this is a living creature, at least PRETEND to understand “responsibility”.

I decided to tell Wife about one of the more interesting stories from last night. She cut me off in the middle of it and said, “You told me last night. You must have been too drunk to remember” (and yes, disdain and snark in her voice). So I spun it back around quickly (with snark) saying, “Or I’m prone to telling the same story more than once like someone else in this house!”

So that’s where I am right now. My parents and Wife’s parents en route to our house. My leg killing me. My wife pissing me off when she isn’t ignoring me (what else is new?) And a beautiful, if complicated, woman who is so obviously gorgeous that my best friend was blown away by her appearance.... and this woman wants to get a drink with me.

And I sit. Knowing what the moral choice would be. Knowing what the ethical choice would be. But angry at the concepts of morals and ethics because… I’ve followed those paths my whole life and it lead me HERE.


woman in the moon November 16, 2019

You know, right now, I am in a difficult position too. Very different from yours but still bad. I should go to my diary and write about what's bothering me. Not bothering me, but just what's bad in my life.
Your situation is impossible. Mine is too. Yet.... there is probably a way out for both of us - and I don't mean running away to Las Vegas together.
Guess I'll go write about my situation. Best luck with yours.
Maybe you do need to cut your wife loose. But I wonder.... I'm sure not sure.

Park Row Fallout woman in the moon ⋅ November 16, 2019

Thank you for your notes, your support, and your consideration. I truly wish and pray for both of us. Good luck and God bless!

Amaryllis November 16, 2019 (edited November 16, 2019)

Edited

Your struggle with Emily reminds me of my struggle with MarriedGuy at work. We have been essentially alone together 9 hours a day since August, and we've managed not to touch each other, because it's the right thing to do. Hugs. I believe in you.

-d November 16, 2019

My very best advice to you, is to at least separate from your wife. Try it out. It doesn't have to be permanent. You need some space to work on yourself, without feeling resentful every day over how your wife is treating you. It's not even about having the chance to be with someone else. It's really about giving yourself the time and space necessary to heal from the emotional damage she's been causing you. You come home nearly every day, soooo frustrated. And every day she neglects you, it pushes you further and further away from ever saving your marriage. The best thing to do if you REALLY want to save your marriage is get some space between you before your resentment builds up to irreparable levels. She clearly also needs to work on her. This will give her the space to do that as well, and maybe after a couple months, it will give you both a fresh start.

DE_KentuckyGirl November 16, 2019 (edited November 16, 2019)

Edited

Having somewhat been in your place, I don't know that I'd agree with your therapist. Some may look at it as "you've invested so much time, don't throw it away." That was my thinking for years. Then one day I woke up, and thought "I've wasted this much time and it keeps going back to what it has always been, no matter how much therapy we do to and promises made. How much more of my life am I willing to throw away?"

Even with that clarity, it was so hard because.....I did love him. And I wanted a life with him. It was just a sudden "I am continually waiting for something that hasnt manifested and likely never will." Was more of an epitome. I made my decision and began mourn that loss, and was also terrified I'd made a huge mistake on many occasions. Especially when he begged and made more promises but actions went back to what they'd always been as soon as I'd begin to rethink....

I don't know your whole life. You only share what you want and that's all I have to go by in my brief passing. The pattern is there. This story is not uncommon.

I agree with others. Some separation may give you both room to really consider this from a different emotional perspective.

ODSago DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ November 17, 2019

I do, too. Not that that should matter to the writer we are noting but it seems so clear to me, outside the entire picture that I wonder what need keeps him there, being tormented.

stargazing November 17, 2019

Yea, I'm not sure I'd agree that you need to go with your wife's timetable. You could be 80 by the time she decides to meet one of your needs. It's absolutely nice that she's making an effort, but I can't help but feel that it shouldn't be that difficult. But I do agree with your therapist. I don't know you in person, but I get a sense from what you write that you would end up feeling guilty if you did anything with Emily. Unless you separated from your wife and you both understood that you'd be dating while separated.

Deleted user November 18, 2019

You are a person with a time table too. You’ve been going off wife’s time table for years.

I also think your therapist is right about not cheating.

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